One of the ways a romantic relationship grows over time is by partners developing a feeling of shared connection and intimacy. Most notably, this is described in a concept called including the other in the self (Aron, Aron, & Smollan, 1992). In this process, partners go from seeing themselves as separate beings to linked people, and eventually to overlapping and deeply connected selves. This psychological change is associated with greater emotional closeness, satisfaction, and commitment.
In practice, however, it is less clear how this attraction and connection process occurs. How exactly is each partner’s perception persuaded to change and that deeper emotional connection formed? Fortunately, research on two related concepts, we-talk and merged minds, gives us a clue. As it turns out, becoming more intimately and romantically connected with a partner is influenced by the words we use and the ways we communicate with them, too.
Research on We-Talk
Yes, the concept is pretty much just like it sounds. Couples use words that indicate connection and interdependence (we, us, our) instead of separation and difference (I/me vs. they/them). The question explored by researchers Karan, Rosenthal, and Robbins (2019), however, was whether this interdependent and inclusive language had any lasting impact on partners’ feelings and behaviors.
To explore that question, the team conducted a meta-analysis of 30 we-talk studies. Their results indicated that the use of we-talk had positive benefits for relationship functioning. Particularly, an individual’s use of interdependent language was related to their partner feeling more satisfied, attached, and committed. Use of we-talk also helped to defuse criticism, promote constructive solutions, and increase compromise.
Overall, Karan, Rosenthal, and Robbins (2019) suggest a simple change from “You and I can work this out” to “We can work this out” might create a noticeable impact on a partner’s feelings and behavior. So, if you want to build a better connection with a partner, phrasing conversations with them in terms of we, us, or our pronouns can help. Furthermore, if you’re dealing with a conflict or argument, stating that “We are in this together” could persuade more compromise, too.
Research on Merged Minds
Another line of research interested in interdependence in romantic relationships is the concept of merged minds. Here, however, we’re dealing with more of a social and cognitive perception of partners sharing a similar worldview and reality. As researchers explain, “Shared reality is defined as the perceived commonality of inner states (e.g., feelings, beliefs, or concerns) with another person about a target referent (e.g., an event, an object, or a third person)” (Rossignac-Milon, Bolger, Zee, Boothby, & Higgins, 2021). Thus, partners feel a merging of minds when they perceive commonalities with each other—which helps them connect with each other and feel more certain about the world.
Research by Rossignac-Milon and associates (2021) evaluated this shared experience of reality, in interpersonal interactions, through several methods. Overall, they found that such a connection is desired in relationships, couples work to achieve it, and they defend it, too. Furthermore, one of the main ways that a shared reality is established and maintained is by partners using language and expressions that highlight similarity and agreement between them.
Specifically, Rossignac-Milon and associates (2021) noted that expressions like “I was thinking the same thing” and “That’s exactly what I was trying to say” were used by individuals to express similarity of thoughts in conversation. Also, the researchers identified that expressions like, “I totally agree” and “That’s how I feel, too” were used to express agreement and shared feelings. These expressions of similarity and agreement indicated the formation of a shared reality between partners—and a deeper connection as well.
Language of Love
Taken together, these studies support a conclusion I share in Attraction Psychology (Nicholson, 2022) and other articles here—namely, words and language can have a persuasive influence on our romantic relationships. For example, the right use of conversation can influence romantic feelings. Also, referencing the relationship is one of the most influential strategies to persuade a partner.
Above, we note a similar effect as well. That is because all these persuasive strategies are tapping into the same social influence principle of unity. In short, then, language or discussion that helps partners perceive themselves as united with one another can foster positive feelings, cooperation, and agreement.
Given that, if you want to build a loving connection with a partner, use the right words. Refer to your relationship together. Use the shared pronouns of we, us, and our when speaking about past events, current experiences, and especially future plans. From there, use phrases like “Exactly” or “You read my mind” to highlight shared thoughts and increase the perception of similarity. Don’t forget to emphasize emotional agreement with “So true” or “You’re completely right” expressions, too. Overall, this will help your partner feel that we are in this relationship together, there is agreement and unity between us, and our connection is satisfying and committed.
© 2024 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved.
