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Boundaries are an essential element in all successful relationships. This is doubly true after infidelity. But how do you effectively form and implement useful relationship boundaries after your partner has cheated on you?
First and foremost, you need to understand that the boundaries set in the aftermath of discovery are almost always going to be about safety. Basically, you want to feel safe in your relationship, and you will need your partner to respect certain boundaries for that to occur. You probably don’t want to fully shut your partner out, nor do you want to fully control your partner’s every move, but you do want to feel safe in your interactions.
To this end, you will need to set both internal and external boundaries:
- Internal boundaries protect your thoughts, feelings, and behavior choices.
- External boundaries protect your body, control distance, and control touch.
It is likely your relationship already had both internal and external boundaries, though possibly such boundaries were implied or assumed rather than explicitly stated. After infidelity, implied or assumed boundaries are not enough. Moving forward, you will have to very clearly define and state the boundaries you need if you are going to stay with your partner. Moreover, it will be helpful to your partner and your relationship if you can state the purpose of each boundary you set.
Areas of your life and relationship that may require such boundaries include:
Physical and Sexual Boundaries: These involve the proximity of your body or things to another person’s body or things. Physical boundaries include the sexual aspects of your relationship. After infidelity, you may want to consider the following physical and sexual boundaries:
- Whether you will stay in the same household, and who will handle the various responsibilities of family life.
- Personal privacy regarding journals, therapy, phones, social media, and the like.
- Non-sexual touch: The level of touch and physical affection to which you are (and are not) open.
- Sexual contact: The level of sexual touch and interaction to which you are (and are not) open.
Emotional Boundaries: These boundaries help you manage and regulate your emotions. They help you engage in self-care when you are emotionally triggered.
Financial Boundaries: It’s entirely possible that your partner spent money on infidelity, possibly a lot. If so, you may want to set boundaries around personal and family finances, usually asking for full transparency with every dollar earned and spent.
Communication Boundaries: These boundaries typically focus on one of three things: (1) What you feel safe to talk about with your partner without the help of a third party (such as a therapist); (2) Respectful conflict resolution, such as when and how you will discuss and resolve disagreements; and (3) Who you will tell about the betrayal and what you will tell them. If you have kids, fro example, what will you and your partner tell them about your betrayal of the relationship? Also, finding safe friends with whom you can share your story of betrayal can be a vital part of healing. However, it is important that you rely on individuals who can hear your story without gossiping or judging.
Boundaries Around People, Places, and Things: Most likely, there are people and places that have been tainted by your partner’s infidelity. In such cases, you may need to set boundaries to feel safe. The boundaries can cover a wide range of issues, and they are specific to each person’s unique situation.
How to Set a Successful Boundary
Generally, when you set a boundary, you need to make it about yourself. In fact, if your boundaries are about controlling your partner’s behavior, you’re likely to get anger and resentment rather than cooperation. Successful boundaries are not about controlling the behavior of your partner, they’re about controlling your behavior in relation to your partner’s choices and behaviors. Their choices and actions belong to them, your choices and actions belong to you.
To this end, I recommend that when you set boundaries to help yourself feel safe in your relationship, you utilize the following four-part formula:
- Your Partner’s Behavior: When you are secretive with your phone use…
- Your Thoughts: …I can’t help but wonder what you’re doing. You might be checking the sports scores or texting your brother, but my mind tells me you’re looking at porn, or you’re on a hookup app, or you’re texting one of your affair partners.
- Your Feelings: With those thoughts, I feel the betrayal all over again. I feel unsafe, unloved, and lied to.
- What Would Help: If you would put an app like Net Nanny on your phone and other electronic devices and designate me as your accountability partner, I could check the app and know that you’re not cheating again. Being able to do that would go a long way toward helping me feel safe with you again.
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When you phrase boundaries in this way, you make them about you: your thoughts, feelings, and needs. Moreover, you clearly explain the need for this boundary in a way your partner can understand. At that point, rather than feeling controlled or manipulated by you, your partner can choose to help you feel safe. This may seem like a small difference, but it isn’t. In fact, a properly presented boundary—a well-reasoned request rather than an angry demand—can make all the difference in the world.
