While it is the normal order of things for a grandparent to die during the life of a child, such an event can be a salient moment: the loss of a grandparent may be your child’s introduction to death. And it will bring up all sorts of questions, worries, and concerns.
If a child and their grandparent were close, it is, of course, an extremely sad and painful experience. A grandparent can be a unique source of love, comfort, and support for a child. Grandparents often do not discipline as much as parents; they may indulge the child’s wants and needs more than the parents, and as such, the child may feel particularly upset when a grandparent dies.
When their grandparent dies, your child can have all new fears about death, and it may occur to them that you could die or even that they themselves could die.
This can raise existential issues for the child. What is death? What does it mean to die? What happens after you die?
These questions are difficult, and you may struggle to answer them.
But after the death of a grandparent, you can talk about what it means to lead a long and productive life. It can be comforting for the child to know that the grandparent was older and got to have many years of life.
However, the death of a grandparent is complicated because often is it a double loss. Not only does your child feel her own feelings, but she must also deal with the grief you and/or your partner feel. It may be a new and troubling experience to see you cry or be sad for an extended period of time—and you may be less available for a while, both emotionally and in terms of doing all the things you usually do for your child.
For example, Kyra was 6 when her grandmother died. They had not had a particularly close relationship as her grandmother had lived in another city and also because her grandmother was rather aloof as a person. But still, Kyra had questions. She asked her mother what happens after death. When her mother answered, “Nothing,” Kyra became preoccupied by the idea of “nothing.” What could it be like to be dead and be “nothing”? Where was her grandmother and what was it like for her? And what would happen when Kyra herself became “nothing”? Kyra didn’t speak to anyone about her worries, but she found herself thinking about being “nothing” every night while trying to fall asleep.
Or, for another example, Jacob was twelve when his grandfather died. Jacob loved his grandfather dearly and had seen him often during his first 11 years of life. He did all he could to help his grandfather in the last months of his grandfather’s life, visiting often, cleaning up his grandfather’s yard, and bringing him his favorite treats.
Jacob was alarmed as his grandfather’s appearance began to change. His grandfather had married and had children late in life and he was quite old, even for a grandfather. After his 89th birthday, he started to become weaker and weaker. He became pale, and he did not feel much like eating. He was thinner each time Jacob saw him. After visits with his grandfather, Jacob would go to his room and take a nap. Clearly, being with his grandfather was something he wanted, but it was also disturbing and depleting for him. Rather than facing his disturbing feelings, he preferred to sleep.
Jacob’s parents were worried about him and asked a friend who was a therapist whether or not Jacob should continue to visit his grandfather as frequently. The friend suggested that Jacob come to see him, and he took the time to sit down with Jacob to talk with him about his grandfather. Knowing that Jacob was interested in science, the friend thought that it might help to explain what was happening inside his grandfather’s body. They talked about aging and why certain organs begin to break down. Jacob’s grandfather was very old and he had lived a long, productive life. They talked about this and they also talked about how hard it is to watch as someone you love get closer to dying.
Jacob left the friend’s house in a lighter mood. Because he was a boy who used his intellect to help him understand and process things, he had benefited from learning more about why his grandfather was losing weight and what the future might look like.
Jacob continued to visit his grandfather often, and while very sad after each visit, he seemed more able to manage his sadness than he had been previously. He got a lot of satisfaction out of helping his grandfather, bringing him his favorite ice cream, and doing chores around his grandfather’s house and yard. Eventually, Jacob also brought his homework over to his grandfather’s house and sat in the living room doing his work while his grandfather rested on the couch.
When his grandfather finally died, at the age of 90, Jacob was very sad. But he wanted to go to the funeral and the graveside service and he wanted to help out at the reception afterwards. He wanted to make his grandfather’s last party nice and he worked hard to help his parents to prepare for all the visitors ahead of time.
Continuing Connections
Continuing connections to those we’ve lost are important. And there are so many ways that a child can feel a continued connection to a grandparent. Often they cherish memories of things they did together. Or they replay advice their grandparent gave them. Some love to hear funny or interesting stories about their grandparent, and some will want to have something that belonged to their grandparent.
But of course, not all grandparents and grandchildren are close and not all grandparents are kind. Depending on the type of relationship the child had with the grandparent, their grief and their desire for connection will vary.
Some children may want to visit the cemetery where their grandparent is buried; some may want to bring flowers or a stone to put at the grave. Some may want to attend religious remembrances, and some may want to do none of these things.
In all cases, even if the relationship with the grandparent was not entirely positive, it is important for the adults in the family to bring the grandparent up in conversation from time to time so that the child knows that when someone has died, they are not forgotten and that we can continue to think about our them and to process what they meant to us throughout our lives.
