At a young age, most people were taught to always behave, to never step out of line or to never be ‘selfish’ — especially little girls. This causes us to lack the boundaries needed to protect ourselves from people who try to take advantage of our kindness.
Teaching kindness without boundaries has translated into people growing up with an extreme people-pleaser complex. In a survey, 36% of people would probably identify as a people-pleaser and that’s a lot of people lacking healthy boundaries!
So, how do we go about remedying that? We learn to set boundaries and we enforce them — with consequences.
A lack of boundaries is the #1 reason people take advantage of your kindness
But before you panic too much, take a second and breathe — there is a solution. The Relationship Fitness Summit hosted by CEO of YourTango Andrea Miller is an entirely free and virtual event from September 25 to 28, where you can learn to master healthy relationship habits you can apply immediately to feel more seen, understood, and appreciated, just by signing up.
In it, motivational coach Mark Groves will share exactly why people keep stepping over your boundaries and exhausting you with their needs. When someone is being cruel or exploiting your kindness, Groves suggests there are two things people need to take a look at. One, they need to acknowledge that what the other person did wasn’t okay, and two, they need to ask themselves “Why am I tolerating it?”
He suggests that we think, “Hey, my husband or wife or partner is not changing. My friend never actually takes the feedback I give them and changes,” and asks, “What are you doing about it?” What boundaries are you setting that both protect you and reinforce them?
As Groves said, “A boundary without a consequence is not a boundary. It’s a suggestion.” Similar to training a dog or raising a toddler, there needs to be consequences. Otherwise, you let that dog or toddler step all over you.
Groves said, “The moment you let a dog do something once, it means all the time. So, it’s the same thing with people, you know?”
A boundary without a consequence is merely a suggestion
So then, how do we reinforce those boundaries? Most importantly, how do we reinforce those boundaries when all other options fail?
Therapist Kate O’Brien explained that if you want to say no, but the other person keeps pushing, this is a clear sign your boundaries are being violated.
YourTango Relationship Fitness Summit
How to protect your boundaries
To protect yourself, be “clear and direct with your needs,” says O’Brien. And if they can’t respect that then set limitations and consequences. Things like walking away, changing topics, or straight-up limiting interactions with the other person are all okay — and should be encouraged.
What if you can’t walk away or take a simple time-out from a person or situation? Then what’s the next best thing? O’Brien suggests that if you can’t leave, look for coping tools (that are healthy) and things you can control. For instance, closing the door, meditating, or putting on your favorite TV show are all valid options.
Understand that boundaries are never meant to control others. Rather, boundaries are the actions you take that protect you and make you feel safe. And though it might take practice, starting small and building your way up is a good place to start.
For more, tune into the free Relationship Fitness Summit, September 25 – 28, where you will have the opportunity to learn:
- The proven tools, skills, and strategies you need to improve your relationship fitness in ALL key areas of your life: in your work, with your family and friends, in your love life, and crucially, with yourself.
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The immense power of relationship fitness and how it is key to not only your happiness, longevity, health, and emotional wellness but also your financial well-being.
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The power of deep listening, accountability, and curiosity to achieve exceptional relationships.
- … and so much more!
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor’s in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
