Morning friend,
I’m in Austin, Texas this week for some training and it’s hot, hot, hot, and humid. I’m not used to the humidity after living in Arizona (my hair doesn’t like humidity either). But Austin has a very eclectic vibe, and I wish I had a little more time to explore.
If you haven’t already signed up, I’m giving a workshop on Tuesday, September 24, in preparation for Domestic Violence Awareness Month in October. The workshop is called, If He Doesn’t Hit You Is It Still Abuse? Sign up and learn what beliefs you might need to break up with that have kept you stuck in fear and shame. If you have a friend who you think might benefit, give her the link to register too. You must sign up to attend. And as always there will be a robust Q & A time after the workshop is over. If you can’t show up LIVE on the 24th (noon or 7:30 pm ET) you will get a replay of the webinar (only if you signed up) but you will miss the chat and the Q & A – which are often the best part.
Today’s Question: Can you please describe the Biblical differences between forgiveness and reconciliation?
My husband has confessed to his years-long indifference, abuse, neglect, and deceit, toward me and our children. I feel I have forgiven him (placing him on the hook with God and off the hook with me), but I simply do not trust him. How does one truly reconcile in such a situation? I have no idea how to do this in an honest way. Am I being ungodly to not want reconciliation at this point?
Answer: This is such a good question and sadly there is still a lot of confusion and misapplication of Scripture in answering this question.
Maybe here is where some of the confusion lies. As believers, we are called to be like Christ. Jesus forgives. When Jesus instructed his followers to pray, he says, “Forgive us our sin, as we forgive those who have sinned against us.” (Matthew 6:12-14; Luke 11:14). Tall order. Forgive? Even if they never ask for forgiveness? Yes, Jesus did. While being tortured by the Roman soldiers, Jesus prayed, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34). On the cross, Jesus was crucified with two thieves. Did Jesus forgive just one thief? Or did he forgive both thieves? Yet only one received this extravagant pardon by acknowledging his need for such a gift. (Matthew 27:38-44, Luke 23:32-55).
There is some disagreement whether the Bible commands we forgive someone who has never asked for forgiveness or shown any repentance. I don’t have the time to unpack those arguments. Plus, your question isn’t around forgiveness. It’s around “Does forgiveness automatically require reconciliation?”
From the two examples above, where Jesus forgave, there was no mention of any reconciliation with those Roman soldiers, the religious leaders, nor the one thief on the cross who rejected Jesus as the Messiah. Other places where we see forgiveness given without reconciliation would be Jesus with Judas and his betrayal. Paul refused to take John Mark on his second missionary journey (Acts 15:36-44) because John Mark had deserted Barnabas and Paul earlier and broke Paul’s trust. Yet, later on, after some time passed, Paul did regain trust in John Mark and it appears that reconciliation did occur (2 Timothy 4:11).
Paul counsels us that as much as it depends on us, be at peace with others (Romans 12:18). Jesus said, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23,24). Jesus also teaches a bit further on in Matthew’s gospel that serious sin damages relationships and without acknowledgment of the sin and the impact it has caused, relationship reconciliation does not happen. That does not mean you should treat someone harshly who sinned against you and is unrepentant. But it is clear, that the relationship changes (Matthew 18:15-17).
Therefore, I think we can assume that Scripture teaches that if there is genuine fruit of repentance, there ought to be some kind of reconciliation. The body of Christ is described as a family. If someone is truly repentant for their sin, as Jesus’ followers, can we begin to see and treat this person as a family member (brother or sister) rather than an outcast or enemy? I hope so. I think this is what Jesus wants for his church when he says leave your offering to me and go be reconciled to your brother or sister first.
However, this next truth is critical to also accept. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily erase the impact or consequences of sin. Sometimes sin has serious life-long consequences, even when forgiveness is generously given. If you kill someone while driving distracted or reckless or drunk – you can be sincerely repentant, never repeat that behavior, and the person you killed stays dead. Even if the family of the victim forgives you, you may still lose your driver’s license or go to prison.
I believe one of the reasons God made exceptions for divorce is that the marriage relationship is unlike any other relationship. It is a partnership for life that requires the deepest levels of trust and safety to maintain the well-being of the entire family. When someone repeatedly breaks that covenant trust through sexual sin, abusive behavior, or other kinds of serious deceit and betrayal, that deep sense of trust and safety gets damaged. And, depending on the history and pattern of those behaviors, that damage may be permanent. Even if the offender repents, the marriage may still die.
Does that mean biblical reconciliation is not possible? No, but I don’t believe marital restoration is required to have biblical reconciliation. God is not asking you to give someone you don’t trust or feel safe with full access to your heart, mind, body, and finances. He says above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23). God allowed divorce because He understands that repairing the deepest levels of marital trust and safety is not always possible after serious repetitive harm and/or betrayal.
So how might biblical reconciliation in an honest way be possible for you? If your husband is truly repentant, then I would hope he understands that the consequences of his repeated, sinful behaviors have damaged your sense of trust and safety with him, and that returning to a marital relationship is not possible for you right now or ever.
However, perhaps in time as you bear witness to your husband’s changes, you may be able to regain a bit of trust and safety. Not in a marital, husband/wife kind of way, but in a way where perhaps you could both attend some family celebrations like weddings, birthdays, holidays, or graduations in a congenial, respectful way without pressure, fear, manipulation, or resentment.
I hear your heart. With Jesus, you can love and forgive someone without anything required from them. Sometimes the fear and past harm are so great, that just to be able to love and forgive that person is a miracle. Don’t put pressure on yourself for the next step. God will show you what you need to please Him (not others) most.
Friends, what are your thoughts, does forgiveness require reconciliation? And, if you don’t think it does, how have you navigated the pressure from others who think it does?
