From poking around your personal money matters to prodding about when you’re going to start having babies, intrusive questions can be cringy, uncomfortable, and irritating. When someone asks you a rude, invasive, or inappropriate question, your first instinct may be to throw some side-eye and say, “Mind your business!” While this approach can work sometimes, there’s probably a better way to go about it—one that doesn’t awkwardly escalate the situation but politely and definitively shuts down the convo.
What Are Intrusive Questions?
Intrusive questions dive into areas of your life or certain topics that are private or that you aren’t wanting, willing, or ready to share yet, if ever, with the person asking. They often supersede the social bond you have with the person inquiring, and usually put you in a defensive state of mind right off the bat.
“You might feel uneasy about how to answer these questions to preserve your privacy and model appropriate boundaries,” says psychotherapist Hillary Schoninger, LCSW. “These questions can be damaging because they can be jarring while holding an undercurrent tone of not being authentic, which can hurt our feelings and emotional stamina.”
People may feel like they have to answer the questions to avoid conflict, which can lead to resentment, frustration, or feelings of shame, adds Catherine Nobile, MD, PsyD, a psychologist and director of Nobile Psychology.
These topics range from highly sensitive personal information—like how much money you make or whether you plan to have a child—to topics that can easily erupt into a debate that you may not be interested in debating, like politics or religious beliefs. What they all have in common is that they can make the person being asked about the topic very uncomfortable.
What to Say When Someone Asks Intrusive Questions
No matter the snoopy question du jour, you can always respond with a simple, “I’d rather talk about something else” or “Can we change the topic?” or “This topic makes me feel uneasy.” Still, navigating these situations with a bit of finesse can help ease any tension and prevent the asker from asking again in the future.
“[Friends] can ask these questions, but so can dental hygienists—and your response might be wildly different for each. Depending on the question and how intrusive you find it, the response might be different, too,” says Jenny Dreizen, a modern-day etiquette expert. “If you’re just interested in shutting down the conversation in a conversational way, try saying ‘Big question!’ and then just move on conversationally.”
If it’s someone you trust more and are interested in getting to the bottom of the question—like it’s being asked by your bestie and you know she generally means well—you can try a softer approach like, “That’s an interesting question. Why do you ask?”
Beyond these generalities, here are some examples of what to say when someone asks you an intrusive question depending on the topic.
Having Kids
- Our family feels complete.
- I/We are enjoying life as it is right now.
- This is a topic I/we are keeping to ourselves.
- I’d prefer to keep this subject between me and my partner.
- We’re still figuring that out. How have you been?
- That’s a big topic I’d rather keep to myself for now.
Money Matters
- You want to talk about money right now? In this economy? No, thank you!
- Money comes and goes. What else do you want to talk about?
- I’m doing what I need to take care of myself.
- I prefer to keep that private. Let’s talk about something else.
- I think I’m gonna save that one for my financial advisor.
- Money’s a tricky topic. Let’s skip it today.
Body Changes
- I feel good in my body.
- Bodies are bodies and change all the time. What’s new in your life?
- Please don’t make comments about my appearance.
- I’m keeping my health journey private.
- I value your care, but I’d rather not talk about it.
- Thanks for noticing, but I’d rather focus on something else today.
Relationships + Dating
- I’d like to keep that information between me and [person].
- I appreciate your concern, but this is a sensitive topic for me and I’m not ready to share.
- Right now, I am enjoying where I’m at.
- I’ll update you when I feel comfortable doing so.
- I’d rather discuss something else.
- I am/am not dating right now.
Religion and Politics
- That’s a complex topic that I don’t want to get into right now.
- This is a personal journey and I want to keep it private.
- We may not see eye-to-eye on this one and I’d rather talk about other things with you.
- I’m choosing to stay away from polarizing conversations today/tonight.
- We can agree to disagree without going into details.
- I don’t have the energy for that one today.
When asked an intrusive question, you can be direct (“That’s not an appropriate question”), keep things private (“This is not something I want to discuss), change the topic and redirect the conversation, be indirect (“I’m figuring it out”), or walk away if the intrusive question becomes an aggressive interrogation.
After using any of these responses to intrusive questions, you can move on quickly by asking another question about a different topic. Redirect the question to them by asking about how they’re doing, what they’re looking forward to, or revisiting a topic you’ve discussed with them.
Why Do People Ask Such Nosy Questions?
People ask intrusive questions for all sorts of reasons, including genuine curiosity, a desire to connect on a certain topic, nosiness or lack of social awareness, or to simply start a conversation. But even if people are kind and well-intentioned, they may lack awareness about how they’re crossing a line when broaching these sensitive topics.
“Sometimes, people are socially awkward or lack emotional intelligence and, as a result, they are less aware of when a question is intrusive,” Dr. Nobile says. “Other times, people might believe they are being helpful or empathetic when, in reality, they are asking a very intrusive question.”
Catherine Nobile, MD, PsyD
Sometimes, people are socially awkward or lack emotional intelligence and, as a result, they are less aware of when a question is intrusive.
— Catherine Nobile, MD, PsyD
She adds that what is considered intrusive also depends upon what is defined as public or private, and this definition varies across cultures and contexts based on different social norms. In other words, what’s free game for some people may be completely off the table for others.
Keep in Mind
It’s OK and natural to feel flustered by these sorts of intrusive questions, but remember that you don’t owe anyone private information about your life unless it’s a topic you want to discuss. Most people will catch the hint pretty quickly, and if they don’t then you can communicate directly. You also always have the option to excuse or remove yourself from the conversation and connect with them more cautiously moving forward.
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