I remember when I was in my twenties. Believe it or not, all I wanted was to be a wife to someone who appreciated me. Guys had no problem sleeping with me. They genuinely liked my personality too.
But you know what? Until my husband, not one of them seriously saw me as wife material. They future-faked me. Eventually, I got married. Lo and behold, when my exes saw how I treated my husband, they whined and said they’d have “loved to be him.” My reply: “Uh, guys, if you did, I’d have been a wife and this would have been you five years ago. Knock that off.”
That aside, I often asked them why they didn’t see me as the right wife for them. More often than not, they ended up saying something foolish. My curiosity and very open discourse with people taught me a bunch. These three factors are the most common culprits — and why you shouldn’t judge based on them.
Here are 3 odd things men care too much about when it comes to finding a wife:
1. How many partners a woman has had
Every woman you meet is going to have a past. What she’s done with others does not have a bearing on her loyalty to you. What she’s done with others also doesn’t have a bearing on whether you will be the best she’s had.
The fact that this is standard shows how insecure many guys are. One study found that men perceived the past intimate history of a potential romantic partner as more important than women did.
If you are judging a marriage partner based on the number of partners they had, you probably aren’t looking at the right factors. Not many people marry the best they ever had, otherwise, I’d have been married off before I graduated high school.
Believe it or not, some of the happiest marriages I have ever seen are between adult video stars and their partners. It doesn’t matter how many people that person has been with. If they choose you, they are choosing you. Besides, there’s something to be said about the experience they bring into bed and what it does to your intimacy.
Ketut Subiyanto / Pexels
2. How conventionally beautiful she is
Do I mean that you should date someone you find unattractive? Nope. Quite the opposite. I’ve seen a lot of men who have been passionately in love with girls who didn’t match societal standards. What happened to those women?
Let me tell you, as one of those types of women: they were brushed under the rug and kept as “dirty little secrets.” They were treated well as long as they were not in public. And they were never committed to it. It hurt them. Oh, and because they were treated this way, they (erm, me) had to get years of therapy.
Women who end up being one man’s “dirty little secret” often find themselves in better relationships later on. And when they do, they often end up wifed-up in pretty decent situations. Meanwhile, those men just shot themselves in the foot. They complain about dead bedroom relationships, resent the “trophy wife” and then cheat to get their rocks off.
Is this you? Well, good going. You sure married smart. You learned a very valuable lesson: every trophy eventually loses its shine.
3. How much money she makes
I’ve had quite a few exes who were deeply intimidated by the amount I earned. Every single one of them took it out on me in at least one way. A lot of guys want to be the primary earner and want to be seen as such by friends. One poll done by the Pew Research Center found that about 48% of men who are married to a woman would prefer that they earn more than their wife.
So, when they have a girl who earns more than them, they cheat to make themselves feel better. Or abuse them. Or use them for cash, but they don’t marry them. It’s a very bizarre thing I’ve noticed and one that I can’t understand.
Christina Morillo / Pexels
Currently, I financially support my spouse. He does most of the repairs, cleaning, and social planning in my home. It’s great. It’s a partnership we both thrive on. The only thing is, our roles are reversed — and that’s okay. I can’t believe some guys would say no to that.
If you took a close look at each issue, you might notice something. Each of these “marriage factors” stems from insecurity. A man who is confident enough to love someone who is his equal or higher is a good man. And he’s the man who has a happy love life. It’s when you let your fears control you that you end up hurting yourself.
In most cases, what you should look for is someone who wants to better you, improve your life, and also take care of her matters. Look for personality and genuine caring, not surface-level stuff. Marriage should be about uplifting both. If the factors you’re looking at are shallow and meant to entertain insecurity, don’t be surprised when your marriage doesn’t serve you well.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
