Every relationship has highs and lows, but when the bad outweighs the good, it may be time to reflect. From dwindling intimacy to constant disagreements, there are definite signs your relationship is over. Learn how to know when to end a relationship by recognizing these crucial indicators.
Key Takeaways
- Persistent breakdowns in communication and growing emotional distance are red flags that a relationship has run its course.
- A lack of physical and emotional intimacy could point to a deeper disconnect between partners.
- Unresolved conflicts, over time, erode trust, respect, and the bond that holds a relationship together.
- Recognizing these warning signs can help you determine whether your relationship is worth saving or if it’s time to move on.
- Not every tough moment signals the end — sometimes, it’s an opportunity for growth and reconnection.
Signs Your Relationship Is Over
1. You’re living more like roommates than partners
The spark that once lit up your relationship now feels like a distant memory. Physical affection? A relic of the past. Emotional intimacy? Locked away in some forgotten vault.
While long-term relationships inevitably face challenges, if your most meaningful interaction is centered around deciding what’s for dinner, it’s a sign that something deeper needs attention.
When discussing intimacy, it’s impossible not to mention Esther Perel, the renowned psychotherapist and author of Mating in Captivity. For nearly four decades, Perel has been studying how couples can keep the spark alive.
She famously writes “Eroticism thrives in the space between the self and the other. Intimacy is about closing that gap to feel safe, but desire requires us to preserve a sense of mystery.”[1]
When partners become too enmeshed and lose their sense of individuality, the delicate balance between closeness and distance — so crucial to sustaining desire — disappears.
Without this balance, it’s easy to slip into a dynamic that feels more like cohabitation than connection.
2. Every conversation feels like a battle
What once flowed effortlessly now feels like navigating a minefield. Even a casual “How was your day?” can spark tension.
Frequent snapping, passive-aggressive remarks, or worse — complete indifference — signal a deeper communication breakdown.
Dr. John Gottman’s concept of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, introduced in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, identifies criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as key behaviors that indicate serious relationship breakdowns.
These toxic patterns are predictors of divorce and, when present, suggest that the relationship is veering into dangerous territory.[2]
If conversations are now met with eye rolls instead of mutual understanding, it’s a sign that the relationship is in a critical state.
3. You feel alone, even when you’re together
One of the cruelest ironies in failing relationships is that you can be physically close yet feel completely emotionally isolated. You find yourself pouring a glass of wine and feeling lonelier with your partner than you ever did when you were single.
Psychologist Dr. Guy Winch calls this “emotional neglect,” a state where your emotional needs go unmet despite the presence of your partner or even living with someone.
Winch emphasizes that when a partner continually fails to meet your emotional needs — whether through indifference or lack of empathy — this creates a form of neglect that can be just as damaging as physical or verbal conflicts.[3]
A powerful example of this is seen in the film Revolutionary Road, where Frank and April, though married and sharing their daily lives, become emotionally disconnected.
Despite being together, their emotional neglect leads to feelings of profound loneliness, mirroring the kind of isolation many people experience in real-life relationships.
Feeling lonely in a relationship is a painful experience, often signaling a deeper emotional disconnect.
4. The idea of a future together fills you with dread
Once, your daydreams were filled with shared visions — a house with a tree in the yard, spontaneous trips, and maybe even kids. But now, those daydreams feel more like distant, solo getaways, where quiet independence sounds far more appealing than the life you’re living.
If the thought of spending another 5, 10, or 20 years with your partner fills you with dread instead of joy, it’s a wake-up call.
If the thought of your shared future fills you with a sense of entrapment, like the bittersweet ending of La La Land — where love isn’t enough to unite two diverging dreams — it might be time to question whether you’re prolonging a future that doesn’t bring either of you happiness.
5. Your fights never seem to end
This one hits close to home because my first-ever real relationship ended with the words: we will never stop fighting.
Everyone argues — conflict is part of life. But if you’re constantly fighting about the same things and it feels like a much darker, more depressing version of Groundhog Day, it could be a sign of irreconcilable differences.
According to Dr. Harriet Lerner, clinical psychologist and author of The Dance of Anger, chronic conflicts often stem from deep emotional patterns and unresolved pain. She highlights that these recurring arguments may point to an underlying power imbalance or unspoken fears that haven’t been properly addressed.[4]
In other words, if you’re always fighting about the same issues, it might signal a need for deeper self-exploration and firmer boundaries, rather than just patching up the surface-level conflict.
6. You’re more interested in fantasy than reality
Everyone indulges in a “what if” moment now and then — it’s part of being human. But when your daydreams about someone else start becoming a daily escape, it’s no longer just harmless imagination. Instead, it could be a sign that something deeper is missing in your current relationship.
Drifting into fantasies about another life or another partner often points to unmet emotional needs. According to Dr. Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist and expert on love, when our brains aren’t satisfied — whether it’s emotionally or physically — they naturally start seeking fulfillment elsewhere.[5]
This can manifest in daydreams about what life would be like with someone who seems to “fill the gap.” It’s your brain’s way of chasing dopamine, the neurotransmitter responsible for pleasure and reward, and it can be surprisingly easy to get lost in that chase.
But the more time you spend fantasizing, the less likely you are to address the root of the problem in your relationship.
If you find yourself escaping into these thoughts too often, it might be time to take a hard look at what’s really missing — and whether your reality can meet your needs before you get too lost in the “what could be.”
7. You can’t remember the last time you were happy
When was the last time you truly laughed with your partner? If you’re struggling to recall, that’s a red flag waving furiously in the wind. Emotional fulfillment is the bedrock of any healthy relationship, and without it, everything starts to crumble.
A longitudinal study published in Social Forces found that remaining in a long-term, low-quality marriage significantly lowers overall happiness, life satisfaction, self-esteem, and even physical health. In fact, people in unhappy marriages often fare worse than those who divorce, as they experience higher levels of psychological distress.[6]
In Eat, Pray, Love, Julia Roberts’ character walks away from a marriage devoid of happiness, setting off on a quest to rediscover her own joy. It’s a reminder that when the fun, excitement, and emotional connection fade away, it’s often replaced by frustration or numbness.
If the joy has vanished and left behind an emotional wasteland, it’s time to take a serious look at what’s gone wrong and whether it can be revived.
8. Your values no longer align
In the early days, you might have been on the same page, sharing goals, and dreams, but as time passes, people grow — and sometimes, they grow apart.
A 2023 study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin highlights that aligning on core values is essential for a thriving relationship, as misalignment can lead to deeper emotional disconnection and chronic tension over time.[7]
This kind of growing distance is vividly portrayed in Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, where Nick and Amy’s relationship unravels as their values, desires, and personal growth veer in opposite directions. What starts as a seemingly perfect marriage devolves into manipulation, secrecy, resentment, and a lot — I mean, a lot — of crazy behavior.
If you’re finding less connection and more tension, it could be time to reflect on whether you can find new common ground — or if you’re growing in completely different directions.
9. You resent more than you love
Resentment is the quiet (literally) storm that can wreak havoc on any relationship.
Maybe it’s the time he wasn’t there for you when you needed him most, or how he consistently dodges responsibility at home. Over time, these unspoken frustrations build up like layers of dust, until you’re choking on bitterness instead of breathing in love.
Dr. Terri Orbuch, also known as “The Love Doctor,” has written extensively about the dangers of unresolved resentment, particularly in long-term relationships.
In her book 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great, she explains that resentment often builds quietly, fueled by unmet expectations and unspoken grievances, creating a distance that becomes harder to bridge the longer it’s left unaddressed.
These frustrations tend to fester, leading to emotional withdrawal, communication breakdowns, and a growing sense of disconnection between partners.[8]
If you find yourself more aggravated than affectionate, it might be a sign that your relationship is stuck in a toxic loop, and the love you once had may be fading beyond repair.
10. You’ve stopped trying to resolve problems
Endless fighting is one thing, but when you stop caring enough to even fight for your relationship, that’s a whole other level of disconnect.
A longitudinal study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family followed 79 couples over a 14-year period, observing how emotional withdrawal during conflict resolution played a significant role in determining whether the relationship would last or end in divorce.[9]
When partners become emotionally detached, conflicts are left unresolved, which gradually erodes the foundation of the relationship.
If you’ve stopped trying to fix what’s broken, it might be because deep down, you’ve already checked out. It’s a sign that, unless you’re both willing to re-engage and address the root causes, your relationship might be heading toward its expiration date.
11. You don’t feel supported
Relationships are about teamwork, but if you’re constantly the one holding everything together — emotionally, financially, or in any other way — it breeds resentment.
Nedra Glover Tawwab in her Set Boundaries, Find Peace explains that mutual support is essential for a healthy dynamic. When you’re left feeling like you’re going it all alone, that imbalance can strain even the strongest partnership.[10]
This is perfectly illustrated in The Break-Up when the main characters argue about doing the dishes. It’s not just about the dishes, of course, but the deeper issue of feeling unsupported.
If you feel like you’re doing all the heavy lifting while your partner coasts, it’s time to assess whether this relationship is still a team effort or if you’re the only player on the field.
12. You’re staying out of fear, not love
Fear is a powerful emotion, fear of being alone, fear of change, or even fear of starting over.
But if fear is the only reason you’re sticking around, it’s a clear sign you’re not staying for the right reasons.
As Cheryl Strayed so wisely wrote in Tiny Beautiful Things, “Don’t surrender all your joy for an idea you used to have about yourself that isn’t true anymore.”[11]
Staying in a relationship out of fear is like living in the ghost of a love that’s long gone. You deserve a partnership that fuels you, not one that’s driven by the dread of what might happen if you leave. If love is no longer in the equation, it’s time to acknowledge the truth, even if it means facing those fears head on.
13. You’re already thinking about the breakup
If you’ve mentally drafted the breakup speech or started envisioning how you’ll divvy up the streaming subscriptions, then you’re already halfway out the door.
Emotional disconnection is the first step toward ending a relationship. When your mind is preoccupied with how it will end, it’s a sign that you’re emotionally disengaging.
If you’re frequently imagining life post-breakup, it’s time to confront the truth: You’ve already begun the process of emotionally checking out. The question is, do you really want to give it another try, or are you just delaying the inevitable?
How to Know When to End a Relationship
Recognizing the warning signs is one thing; knowing when to actually call it quits is another.
It’s important to interpret these signs and assess whether they indicate a relationship that’s beyond saving or just going through a rough patch.
If emotional distance, lack of intimacy, and constant fighting have become the norm, and there’s no motivation from either side to patch things up, it might be time to call it quits. On the other hand, if both partners are willing to acknowledge the problems and work things out, there may still be hope.
Here are some questions to help you decide:
- Are you both willing to make changes? If only one partner is putting in the effort, it’s unlikely that the relationship can be saved.
- Do you still respect each other? Without respect, even love can’t sustain a relationship.
- Are you avoiding the real issues? Sweeping problems under the rug will only make things worse in the long run.
- Do I feel like myself in this relationship? A healthy relationship should allow both partners to feel comfortable being truly open.
- Do I feel safe, loved, heard, and seen in this relationship? These are the green flags of a strong and nurturing connection, so when you don’t feel valued, cherished, and emotionally safe, it’s a sign to leave.
7 Warning Signs of Stress in a Relationship
1. Decreased physical intimacy and affection
One of the first signs that a relationship is affected by stress is a noticeable drop in affection and intimacy.
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that external stress significantly reduces partners’ ability to engage in positive interactions, including physical intimacy, and increases the likelihood of withdrawal and negative exchanges.
This phenomenon, known as the “stress spillover” effect, is often misinterpreted as dissatisfaction within the relationship itself.[12]
When partners stop being intimate, they might worry the relationship is coming to an end. But experts will tell you that fantasizing about better times or wondering if it’s time to move on might simply be a reaction to the stress you’re both enduring.
Rather than sweep it under the rug, address the stress to avoid letting it erode trust and connection.
2. Increased irritability and hostility
Studies have shown that external stress increases the likelihood of conflict in romantic relationships, with research from the Journal of Marriage and Family finding that couples under significant stress experience a higher chance of arguing over minor issues.[13]
When small irritations grow into big blowouts, it’s not a sign your relationship is broken; it’s the stress talking. Recognizing this can prevent you from letting the relationship slip into resentment territory.
Ask yourself: Are you really mad at your partner, or are you just overwhelmed by external pressures?
3. Withdrawal and lack of engagement
When people are stressed, they often withdraw and disengage, no longer sharing their thoughts or spending quality time together which ruins relationships from the inside.
This lack of engagement can feel like the beginning of the end, but it’s usually a signal of external pressures.
If you’ve found that the usual fun and connection have faded, it’s crucial not to ignore these signs. Instead, you need to focus not only on trust but also on re-engaging in the course of the relationship by sharing your thoughts, goals, and daily lives.
It’s easier to let go of your toxic ex than it is to maintain a meaningful connection if you’re constantly swept up in external stress.
4. Conflict over small issues
To know when a relationship is affected by stress, look for minor disagreements — like who forgot to take out the trash — that suddenly feel like deal-breakers.
Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family suggests that couples under financial or work-related stress are more likely to experience conflict, with disagreements happening more frequently and escalating faster.[14]
If you’re constantly fighting over small issues, that’s a sign that the stress is distorting how you and your partner interact. Rather than letting the relationship spiral, address the underlying stress.
When you focus on what’s causing the irritation, rather than blaming each other, you can let go of the small stuff and reconnect in a meaningful way.
5. Misinterpreting temporary problems as relationship issues
It’s easy to misinterpret stress as a sign that your bond could be weakening. You might assume that frequent disagreements or a lack of closeness are indicators that your partner is losing interest.
In reality, stress is often the asset to a relationship breakdown, creating barriers to meaningful connection. This misinterpretation can erode trust and respect, making it difficult to have engaging conversations.
By understanding that stress is a factor, partners can avoid tipping the relationship over the edge into unnecessary dissatisfaction.
6. Difficulty showing empathy
One of the key signs that a relationship is struggling is difficulty in showing empathy. While a great deal of love may still exist, couples become so exhausted by stress that it depletes their emotional resources, making it hard to be the person in your partner’s corner.
According to research published in Psychological Science, stress can significantly impact prosocial behaviors such as empathy, making it more difficult for individuals to connect emotionally.
Their findings suggest that stress not only diminishes one’s ability to show empathy but also affects the overall quality of communication and connection in relationships.[15]
When partners feel emotionally drained, they may no longer feel open or able to express what’s truly on their minds.
To rebuild the bond, it’s crucial for couples to refocus their emotional energy on each other and address the stress together.
7. Feeling disconnected from your partner’s life
Stress can make you feel like you and your partner are living separate lives, even when you’re physically together.
Couples often become so exhausted by fighting stress that they stop sharing things with each other altogether. And couples who stop sharing daily experiences and thoughts are more likely to feel disconnected, leading to dissatisfaction.
If you’ve stopped asking questions or sharing your own thoughts and feelings, it’s time to address the external pressures tipping your relationship over the edge.
Conclusion
Understanding the signs your relationship is over means recognizing persistent issues like emotional distance, unresolved conflicts, or lack of support.
However, sometimes it’s not the relationship that’s the problem, but external stress.
It’s important to know the difference and address the real issue before deciding to move on. Prioritizing your happiness and well-being is key.
FAQs
How long do relationships last on average?
Relationships, on average, last about 3.54 years. This data is based on a study published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health self-reports from 1,345 participants, encompassing all of their past relationships, regardless of their age when those relationships began.
Who initiates breakups more?
Breakups are often initiated by women. In fact, according to a 2015 study by the American Sociological Association (ASA), around 70% of divorces are started by women. And among college-educated women, this number goes up to about 90%.
What’s the hardest year in a relationship?
The hardest years in a relationship fall at the beginning and the end. In the beginning, the relationship is new and fragile. When relationships end, partners often want different things, and extended fighting over these differences becomes exhausting.
When do you know a relationship is not right?
You know a relationship is not right when partners no longer feel comfortable being vulnerable and open, and they stop sharing things with each other. If partners sweep issues under the rug for extended periods, it’s a telltale sign the connection is breaking down.
References
1. Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. HarperCollins.
2. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work.
Crown Publishers.
3. Winch, G. (2017). Emotional first aid: Healing rejection, guilt, failure, and other everyday
hurts. Plume Publishing.
4. Lerner, H. (2005). The dance of anger: A woman’s guide to changing the patterns of
intimate relationships. HarperCollins.
5. Fisher, H. (2004). Why we love: The nature and chemistry of romantic love. Henry Holt
and Company.
6. Hawkins, D. N., & Booth, A. (2005). Unhappily ever after: Effects of long-term,
low-quality marriages on well-being. Social Forces, 84(1), 451–471.
https://doi.org/10.1353/sof.2005.0103
7. Van der Wal, R. C., Litzellachner, L. F., Maio, G. R., & others. (2023). Values in romantic relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 50(7), 1234–1256. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672231156975
8. Orbuch, T. L. (2012). 5 simple steps to take your marriage from good to great. Random House.
9. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62(3), 737–745. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2000.00737.x
10. Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee.
11. Strayed, C. (2012). Tiny beautiful things: Advice on love and life from Dear Sugar. Vintage Books.
12. Randall, A. K., & Bodenmann, G. (2009). The role of stress on close relationships and marital satisfaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26(5), 598–622. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509354286
13. Neff, L. A., & Karney, B. R. (2009). Stress and reactivity to daily relationship experiences: How stress hinders adaptive processes in marriage. Journal of Marriage and Family, 71(5), 1446–1459. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2009.00677.x
14. Jackson, J. B., Miller, R. B., Oka, M., & Henry, R. G. (2014). Gender differences in marital satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(1), 105–129. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12077
15. Poulin, M. J., Ministero, L. M., Gabriel, S., & Morrison, C. D. (2021). Minding your own business? Mindfulness decreases prosocial behavior for those with independent self-construals. Psychological Science, 32(12), 1699–1708. https://doi.org/10.1177/09567976211023907
