Recognizing & Addressing Inappropriate Co-Parenting — Talkspace

Healthy co-parenting is a critical component of your child’s well-being — it offers stability and support, especially during the formative years. When done well, co-parenting can significantly help separated, divorced, or unmarried parents not living together. That doesn’t mean a co-parenting arrangement is always easy. It can be complex and challenging, especially if inappropriate behaviors are involved. When co-parenting becomes unhealthy, it impacts the child’s development and both parents’ emotional states. 

If you’ve ever felt concerned about your partner’s parenting decisions, behavior, or intentions, know that you’re not alone. Bad co-parenting relationships are more common than you might think. Understanding and dealing with inappropriate co-parenting while in a relationship or after you’ve separated can be challenging. Still, it’s important to explore the issue so you can learn how to co-parent successfully. 

Examples of Inappropriate Co-Parenting Behaviors

Research shows that co-parenting can work for children under a joint custody agreement. A healthy co-parenting relationship can lead to positive development, better adult relationships, and general well-being for the child. Yet even under the best circumstances, co-parenting can be challenging, especially if you suspect or know that inappropriate behaviors are present. 

Recognizing what inappropriate co-parenting behaviors can look like is the first step in changing things.

Badmouthing the other parent

It’s never OK for one parent to badmouth the other in front of a child. This type of behavior causes confusion, anxiety, and loyalty conflicts that can damage the child’s psyche. It can also undermine the child’s relationship with both parents. Even worse, it fosters an environment of hostility and mistrust.

“If children witness one parent bad mouthing the other parent, they have a significantly higher probability of participating in triangulation. Children start to mimic the bad mouthing of the parent, which can translate into how they treat their friends, peers, and other professionals.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Meaghan Rice, LPC

Using the child as the messenger

Using a child to relay messages between parents is completely inappropriate. It’s stressful and a responsibility children should not have. It causes emotional strain, since the child becomes a conduit for communication that’s most likely way too mature for them. Parents should always communicate directly with one another, and have their child’s best interest in mind.

Manipulating the child’s affection

Manipulating a child’s feelings toward another parent is emotional abuse that’s never appropriate. This behavior typically involves guilt-tripping, bribing, gaslighting, or influencing how the child perceives the other parent, which can eventually lead to parental alienation.  

Harassing the other parent

Harassment takes many forms and can include things like excessive calls, texts, aggressive confrontations, showing up when not invited or wanted, or anything else that disrupts a cooperative and peaceful co-parenting dynamic. Behavior like this creates a toxic environment that will negatively impact everyone.

Interfering with the other parent’s time

In most co-parenting situations, it’s common for children to have designated time with each parent. Interfering with the other’s scheduled parenting time, via a last-minute change or with intentional disruption, is harmful and confusing to the child. A consistent visitation schedule agreement is essential for the child to feel like they have stability and predictability in their environment.

Inconsistent parenting rules

Although it may be difficult, it is important to find a way to have consistent parenting rules in both households. Inconsistent parenting plans, rules, or expectations between homes can be upsetting to a child while undermining discipline in one home or the other. Parents should strive to match parenting styles and rules and should come to a private agreement so the child doesn’t struggle to understand boundaries and expectations.

Withholding information

Withholding information about a child’s well-being — including medical issues, school progress, social activities, or significant events — is unfair to the other parent. Being transparent and having open communication with each other about your child’s needs is crucial with this type of parenting plan.

“When one parent withholds information from another parent, and the children start to understand what is happening, they may adapt to a culture filled with omissions. And when children stop sharing about what is bothering them, you often see them act out behaviorally instead.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Meaghan Rice, LPC

How to Deal with Inappropriate Co-Parenting Behavior from Your Ex

Navigating co-parenting can be particularly difficult when dealing with an ex who’s exhibiting inappropriate behavior. It can create a toxic environment and make maintaining a healthy co-parenting relationship impossible.

That said, there are ways to deal with inappropriate co-parenting behavior to ensure that your child remains the priority.

Set boundaries and expectations

Establishing and communicating clear boundaries and expectations is critical to maintaining a respectful co-parenting relationship. Make sure you explain your limits and the behaviors you won’t tolerate – creating a list of co-parenting boundaries works well for this. You also must consistently enforce boundaries to reduce conflict in the future.

Communicate effectively and respectfully 

Healthy communication is the foundation of any successful co-parenting relationship. Communicate clearly and concisely, and if face-to-face communication is too difficult, use written communication via email or text. Keeping a record of your interactions can be helpful if you need to reference the history of inappropriate co-parenting.

Lead by example

Taking the high road can go a long way when dealing with a parent who shows inappropriate behavior. It’s a powerful way to help your child understand what healthy relationships should look like. Setting a positive tone might even encourage your ex to reciprocate the same kindness and respect.

Focus on the child’s best interests

Even if you have nothing else in common, keeping your child’s well-being at the forefront of all co-parenting decisions is generally something both people can agree on. Consider how your actions and responses will impact your child when conflicts arise. Reframing the situation in your mind to prioritize your child’s needs over your grievances might help you keep a healthy and stable mindset.

Opportunity for clinician insight – Share tips on how you can put your child first when dealing with inappropriate behavior from the co-parent.

Seek professional help

Sometimes, you can do all of this, and it just isn’t enough. If inappropriate behaviors persist and begin to affect your co-parenting relationship or your child, it might be time to seek professional help. Talking to a therapist allows you to air your grievances and learn how to navigate co-parenting with a difficult ex-partner.

Document incidents and behaviors

If your ex-partner has a pattern of inappropriate behavior and you’re concerned about the impact it will have on your child, document all incidents and behaviors. Keeping a detailed record of each incident might be helpful if you ever need to take things to mediation or pursue legal action. Documentation can serve as evidence that helps you demonstrate the unhealthy patterns your child is witnessing.

Find Support for the Challenges of Co-parenting

Parenting is hard, and co-parenting is no easier. Sometimes, it can be downright excruciating if your ex is exhibiting inappropriate co-parenting behavior. It’s vital to ensure your child’s emotional and psychological well-being is protected. 

Seek help from your network of friends, family, and support groups. You can also get help from professional resources, like a therapist, co-parenting counselor, or anyone qualified who can ensure your child’s emotional well-being. For convenient and accessible support, consider using Talkspace, where you can connect with licensed therapists online to navigate the complexities of co-parenting and maintain your child’s well-being.

Sources:

1. Campbell CG. Two Decades of Coparenting Research: A scoping review. Marriage & Family Review. 2022;59(6):379-411. doi:10.1080/01494929.2022.2152520. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01494929.2022.2152520. Accessed July 24, 2024.