I’ll be the first to admit my relationship past hasn’t been the happiest. I’ve had my share of bad dates and bad relationships. I’ve dated the selfish guy, the troublemaker, and the emotionally unavailable man.
I’ve gone back and forth with the guy who looked great for me on paper, even though we were miserable. It was all so difficult. So painful. I had so many stories that I wrote a book about it. But one relationship put things in a whole new perspective for me.
Here are the painful ways I finally got over an ex I missed like crazy:
1. I sought to understand my thought patterns
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The first time Tim and I argued, he acted like a stereotypical brat. He became dramatic and said, “I don’t feel like talking tonight. I’ll feel better tomorrow.”
Then tomorrow came, and he was still upset. I called to see if he wanted to talk, but I was on my way to pick up a friend at the airport and couldn’t talk for long. “OK… OK… OK…” is all I said as he voiced his feelings and ended things.
That’s when it hit me. I realized how odd it would have been for him to call me back and say, “Let’s talk,” or “I miss you.” Yet, these were things I had previously told other guys after I had broken up with them.
2. I questioned my judgment and found desperation
Yes, it certainly would have been odd for Tim to call me back. Almost emotionally unstable, if one day he’s breaking up with me, and the next he’s calling me to say he misses me and wants to talk. Something would be wrong with his judgment.
Perhaps it would mean he was desperate for love, desperate to hold on to something, even though he knew it didn’t feel good to him, as explained by the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. He didn’t call back. Well, not at first.
After my friend’s visit, I finally emailed Tim to respond to his feelings. I didn’t want to call and hear him repeat himself (I certainly didn’t need to hear the breakup again), but I did want to acknowledge his feelings. He responded to my email and wanted to talk.
3. I stopped myself from repeating the loop
Before we knew it, we were dating again, and it was good. The misunderstanding that had originally upset him was behind us. It was the best, healthiest relationship I had ever been in. For months, I was finally getting back what I put into a relationship. I remember thinking, “This is what a relationship is supposed to be like.”
But the happier I became, the more scared he became. Tim broke up with me again. As much as I wanted it to work, I thought, “He broke up with me twice now. I could never get back with him.”
Again, it hit me. I had gone back and forth with other guys in the past. They had gone back and forth with me. I had ended past relationships because of how I was treated, then went back because I missed everything else, as though I was a participant in a study of on-again/off-again relationships.
How odd that must have seemed to those guys. How confused I must have appeared. How confused they must have been, too.
4. I gave myself regular reality checkups
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Looking back, I find it difficult to defend my actions. The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships helps describe how I find it difficult to explain what I thought I would gain by going back to a guy I had just broken up with. I find it difficult to understand why Tim got back together with me.
Since then, I’ve realized the best way to get over a breakup is to constantly give myself reality checks. Instead of keeping my mind on all the things I miss and all the things I wish were different, I focus on the reality of the situation.
I remind myself of the real reasons it didn’t work out, and I move forward. Though it felt impossible at one point that I’d ever get over him, I’m still quite surprised at the amount of perspective I was given by one short relationship, and still quite grateful.
Rebecca A. Marquis is a dating coach and the author of How to Be a Good Boyfriend: 34 Ways To Keep Her From Getting Annoying, Jealous, or Crazy.
