Hello Friends,
As the summer months unfold, I find myself reflecting on the beauty and freedom this season brings. There’s a special joy in watching my grandchildren celebrate the end of the school year, their laughter and excitement filling the air with a sense of unbridled possibility. This sense of freedom, the ability to simply ‘be,’ is something I long for each of us to experience in our walk with God. I pray that amidst the busyness and challenges of life, you feel His care enveloping you, allowing your soul to rest in His love and grace.
Today’s Question:
After many years of relationship struggles, I’m challenged to recognize whether I am being discerning or indifferent. I believe it’s more indifference. Even when a bit of transformation seems to be happening in him, I am unsure how to process this as I want to honor God with my thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. Ugh!!! What’s happening in my heart just “feels” exhausting. Thank you.
LeAnne’s Response:
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your heart with us. Your struggles and questions resonate deeply, and many women in our community share similar experiences. It’s clear that you are seeking God’s guidance in a very challenging situation. Let’s explore your feelings together and find ways to define, and navigate them with grace, dignity, and wisdom.
Understanding Indifference, Detachment, and Discernment
Oftentimes we can get overwhelmed trying to understand relationship dynamics. It’s perfectly understandable that we would. Many of us did not have healthy role models to learn from. That doesn’t mean that we cannot learn. I am honored by your vulnerability and your questions. Your desire to gain clarity and ask for help is brave and courageous. Let’s take a moment and define some terms together.
Indifference:
Indifference means not caring about the other person. It involves a lack of investment or concern for their needs, feelings, or well-being. Indifference is emotionally detaching to the point where you feel nothing towards the other person. Since God calls us to love, indifference is not okay. 1 John 4:7-8 reminds us, “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”
Detachment:
Detachment, however, can be a necessary and healthy step. It’s not about not caring; it’s about not needing the other person to validate you in order to feel okay. Detachment allows you to maintain your emotional health and well-being without relying on the other person’s approval or affirmation. It’s a healthy boundary that helps you love and care without becoming dependent. Proverbs 4:23 advises, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Discernment:
Discernment involves actively seeking God’s wisdom to determine whether a person is trustworthy or safe. Proverbs 3:5-6 encourages us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Discernment is about making wise decisions based on God’s guidance, ensuring that your relationships are healthy, and honoring to Him.
Processing Transformation and Your Feelings
Even if my partner is showing signs of transformation, why do I still feel indifferent?
True transformation takes time, and rebuilding trust is a gradual process. Galatians 6:9 reminds us, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” It’s natural to feel skeptical after being hurt, even when you see positive changes.
What’s Really Going On:
- Past Hurts and Betrayals: Emotional wounds from past experiences can create protective barriers, making it difficult to trust again.
- Emotional Exhaustion: Ongoing relationship struggles can lead to emotional fatigue, making it hard to feel invested.
Practical Step to Navigate Your Emotions
Reflect and Pray: Take time each day to reflect on your feelings and pray for clarity. Seek God’s guidance to understand your emotions and discern whether they stem from indifference or necessary emotional boundaries.
Your desire to honor God in every aspect of your life is contagious. Philippians 4:6-7 offers comfort: “Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Feeling exhausted from relationship struggles is a common experience. Matthew 11:28 reminds us, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” It’s essential to take care of your emotional and spiritual well-being.
What’s Really Going On:
- Constant Vigilance: Trying to discern your partner’s intentions can be mentally and emotionally exhausting.
- Internal Conflict: The struggle between hope for change and fear of being hurt again can drain your energy.
Self-Care Practices: Establish a routine that includes activities that rejuvenate you—exercise, healthy eating, and sufficient rest. Engage in activities that nourish your spirit, such as worship, reading inspiring Christian books, or spending time in nature.
Remember, you are not alone. Many of us walk this path, and together, we can support and encourage each other to seek God’s will and find peace in His presence. That is where the joy is. Take heart in knowing that God is with you, guiding you, and providing the strength you need. Praying for discernment for all of us!
Fellow travelers, what activities do you engage in that nourish your mind and spirit?
