Source: Tung Lam/Pixabay
A man jumped into my swim lane unannounced as I lapped. I don’t love sharing lanes, but I try to be friendly and welcoming. Most “co-swimmers” are considerate and stay in their (half of the) lane. But not this guy. My hands and feet kept bumping into him as he veered over and over into the middle, even as I scraped the lane line to avoid him.
I nevertheless congratulated myself: This would have ruined my swim and perhaps even my day, years ago. “Inconsiderate ass!” I could hear my younger self. But I’m wise now, right? Don’t sweat the small stuff! I let things go, know I don’t control anyone but myself, even think good thoughts (maybe some neurological disorder interfered with this man’s knowing where he was in the water?). Blah blah blah.
Turns out, I may be emotionally evolved, but so is (almost) everyone else my age, at 60 or better. It’s called “adaptive aging,” and to live this long, we’ve probably accumulated the life experience to be resilient. Or at least enjoy the luxury of control over our own lives. We generally score high in life satisfaction and emotional well-being.
What’s different, and better, as we emotionally age?
Studies demonstrate lots of emotional benefits to aging. We’re less emotionally labile, better at self-regulating, tend toward positive emotions, and experience less negative ones—including anger, anxiety, and depression. How do we do this?
- Through positive social relationships: Healthy relationships help prevent cognitive decline, improve stroke recovery, and decrease morbidity and mortality. Relationships cover the gamut from friends, family, and spouse, to folks you see at the gym and care about. These connections tend to be more positive with age. And even if we don’t call on those who could support us, just believing support from others is available improves our health. Perhaps equally important as maintaining healthy relationships, we’ve learned to let go of less-healthy ones.
- Through our perceptions: We maintain more positive feelings as we age, and it’s all (or a lot) in our perspective. We prioritize well-being and seek out pleasurable social and emotional experiences. We hold kind beliefs about the goodness of the world and the people in it (perhaps because we’ve had positive encounters to support this belief).
- Through memory: We remember events—even negative events—more optimistically than we once did. Studies show our language about past events has more positive and less negative words than younger people’s. We hold fewer regrets (perhaps we’ve learned self-compassion), and even ruminate less.
- Through conflict skills: Getting along with others—or “social harmony”—is important to us. We’re more forgiving in relationships, and avoid people with unhealthy relationship traits. We know how to keep our mouths shut—to disengage when it’s better to do so—and how to pepper conflicts with positive comments and react less. We have closer friendships and better relationships with children as we age than when they (and we) were younger, perhaps because we have time. And/or because of these healthy relationship skills.
What’s the bad news?
- Not all of us have the privilege of chasing positive experience as we age. Some are caregiving for chronically ill (or cognitively impaired) spouses, or have disabled children or other relatives to care for. Some are disabled themselves. Others suffer loneliness and social isolation, a known risk factor for physical and emotional decline. Economic or other concerns can chronically impair one’s ability to “seek the good.” Consistently unavoidable, negative life events decrease both mental and physical well-being.
- Time is double-edged. We may forgive easier and prioritize healthy relationships because we now have the time. But we also know time is waning. This leads some to make the most of each day, moment, friend, and relationship. For a minority, though, it can increase worry or regret.
- Those who score high in “neuroticism” (emotional instability), don’t experience many of these age-related emotional benefits. Personalities generally stay stable as we age, so for those high in neuroticism, negative feelings and reactivity don’t seem to decrease (nor does life satisfaction increase), as we grow older. But even for these folks, there is always hope: Therapy is quite effective—perhaps even more effective—in older adulthood.
Source: Steve Buissinne / Pixabay
Finishing laps in the pool that day, I was glad to be done. I even got a chance to speak to my lane-mate. “I’m happy to share,” I smiled. “Just please try to keep to your side. You never know when someone is coming up behind you!” I quipped lightly. He nodded in agreement, smiling back. I thanked him for listening.
I was using my 60-something conflict skills, and, surely, you have them, too. I’d slipped in some upbeat positives and prioritized social harmony. Admittedly, I didn’t keep my mouth shut like I could have (I know how to do so with my adult children… at least sometimes!). But maybe, just maybe, with age, I will get there.
