How to Free Yourself From a Toxic Narcissistic Upbringing

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This is Part 1 of a two-part series. This post covers five of the nine key tasks of moving on from a narcissistic family system. Part 2, to be posted shortly, will explore the remaining four tasks.

Relationships with narcissists can be among the most destructive relationships in our lives.

If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, letting go and moving on from the legacy of a narcissistic upbringing can be life-changing.

By “narcissist,” I mean individuals who meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder or who display numerous narcissistic personality traits.

In my clinical work with hundreds of people raised by narcissistic parents, I have found nine key elements in healing. Focusing on these elements can be freeing no matter what your age, and whether or not a narcissistic parent is still in your life.

1. Look behind the curtain

Narcissists often lack a fully formed sense of self. Lacking a healthy sense of self, many narcissistic parents can feel easily threatened, especially by events that make them feel humiliated, flawed, or inferior.

To protect themselves, narcissists distract in numerous ways. They disguise their manipulations, diminish others, and obfuscate inconvenient truths which, if identified, would lessen their power over others.

These powerful tactics can predispose children of narcissistic parents to struggle with self-esteem, mood, outlook, and relationships well into adulthood.

To heal an unhealthy upbringing, it can be essential to see your parent’s distortions and distractions for what they were.

One place to start is by getting in touch with your deepest values. Narcissists tend to be dismissive of others’ values because people aware of their values are harder to manipulate.

Our values are a key part of our identity. It matters little who dismisses or ridicules your deep values. The more you embrace your deepest values, the closer you are to a healthier state of self. This allows you to deal with narcissistic tactics more effectively.

2. Feed the right wolf

There’s a story believed to have originated among American indigenous people. A tribal elder tells children that we carry within us a bad wolf, which focuses on hate, vengeance, and greed, and a good wolf, which focuses on values such as love, compassion, and reciprocal relationships.

When a child asks which wolf wins, the elder answers, “The wolf you feed.”

Which wolf do you feed when relating to a narcissistic parent? If your top priority in a relationship with a narcissist is emotionally surviving their manipulation, you’ll be focused on survival. If your top priority is not being controlled, you’ll focus on control.

Survival and control can be protective in dysfunctional, toxic, or abusive relationships. However, it is also important to hold priorities such as growth, learning, or being true to yourself. Such priorities help you focus on what you want to achieve rather than what you want to avoid.

When a narcissist attempts to demean you, ask yourself, “How can I use this to grow?” or “What can I learn here?”

Remind yourself that you are on a healing path. View whatever a narcissist dishes up not as a threat, but as an opportunity to grow. You can adopt this perspective with present-day interactions with a narcissistic parent, as well as in processing and healing past interactions.

3. Honor and have compassion for your suffering

If you’ve had a narcissistic parent, you may have received messages such as:

• I don’t see you.
• I don’t hear you.
• I don’t accept you.
• I don’t love you for who you are.

In seeking love and safety, you may have offered your heart and soul to your parent. But the sobering truth is that the person you hoped would cherish you, help you grow, and emotionally support you, did not care enough or was unable to put aside their needs. Instead, they took advantage of you.

Allowing yourself to recognize and grieve with self-compassion the painful legacy of a narcissistic upbringing can help you move forward.

4. Recognize if you struck a “bargain” with a narcissistic parent

To many children, a narcissistic parent may seem all-powerful and sure of themselves. If you felt anxious, frightened, socially awkward, or lacking in self-confidence as a child, allying with a seemingly larger-than-life parent may have made you feel better, as if you could absorb their confidence by osmosis. Or you may have hoped that your parent would run interference for you against life’s risks and dangers.

These were most likely not conscious choices, but instinctive ways to emotionally survive. However, when we place our worth or well-being with a narcissist, we are set up to fail. We learn to live for another, not to live within ourselves.

To move on, cultivate awareness of and gradually let go of any “bargains” you may have struck with a parent. This is not just a thought exercise. Feel it in your body.

Envision cutting psychological ties with your parent. Doing so allows you to more readily take on the responsibilities, risks, and opportunities that come with being captain of your soul.

5. Recognize the pervasiveness of shame

Narcissists are often steeped in shame. Their attempts to avoid shame drive many of their dysfunctional actions, including projecting their shame on others.

It is imperative to see that their actions are about them, not about you or any lack of goodness within you.

It’s also important to look at any shame you may carry. By facing and owning our shame, we do what narcissists cannot. We avoid becoming slaves to our shame.

Therapist Charley Lang offers a provocative question for self-reflection if you survived a traumatic upbringing: “What has shame tried to steal from you that you used to like about yourself?”

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.