The conventional wisdom holds that extra-marital affairs are as toxic as cobra venom. When affairs become known, the lives of betrayed partners turn upside down. Marriages often collapse. If relationships survive, their foundations are shaken like earthquakes. Mutual trust is destroyed, often for years. Intimacy collapses. And cheating spouses almost invariably express deep sorrow and remorse.
However, much of the research on affairs is inherently biased. It often involves surveys of people coming out of affairs who are in therapy in hopes of saving their relationships. In post-affair therapy, almost invariably, the cheaters express deep regret. They may actually feel the remorse they invoke, but even if not, to mollify the spouses they’ve wronged, they beat their breasts, act sorry, and swear “never again.” But what people say in therapy may not reflect how they actually feel.
Recently, Johns Hopkins researchers endeavored to remedy that by surveying users of the website Ashley Madison, whose motto is: “Life is short. Have an affair.” The experiences of Ashley Madison users provide unique insights into infidelity and show that the conventional wisdom is incomplete. Many cheaters say they have legitimate reasons for stepping out, and no regrets about doing so.
The Study
The researchers arranged with Ashley Madison staff to ask members to complete an online survey dealing with their feelings about infidelity. A total of 1,678 people completed the survey—1,464 men 190 women, 24 gender-unspecified, average age 53. (Many more men than women are members of Ashley Madison.) The findings:
• Only 10 percent said they were in mutually consensual open relationships, so 90 percent were, in fact, cheating or hoping to.
• Most respondents described themselves as very much in love with their partners.
• But they felt driven crazy by “too little” sex and/or sexual satisfaction in their relationships.
• Half (49 percent) said they were not currently sexually active with their partners.
• One-quarter (23 percent) had sought professional counseling to improve their relationships and restore lovemaking within their relationships.
• 80 percent said their affairs were sexually satisfying.
• 75 percent said their affairs were emotionally satisfying.
.• Only 20 percent expressed any regret or remorse for having affairs.
Sometimes, It’s the Sex
Affairs may result from many relationship dissatisfactions: boredom, poor communication, differing values, falling out of love, too much time apart, job/family stress, and substance abuse, among others. But in this study, overall relationship quality did not predict affairs, nor did it predict regret over infidelity. Among Ashley Madison users, the main driver for stepping out was sexual dissatisfaction. The large majority of the cheaters in this study said their affairs compensated for feelings of not being sexually valued, desired, or satisfied, and that their extra-marital liaisons compensated by being both sexually and emotionally satisfying.
Meanwhile, the large majority of participants in this survey were men (85 percent). This may explain why sexual dissatisfaction ranked as affairs’ leading cause. While many women feel more libidinous than their partners, the typical man wants sex more than the typical woman. Hence the adage: Men have relationships to have sex. Women have sex to have relationships.
Even if this study’s results are an artifact of the preponderance of men in the sample, the researchers discovered something important about how many men feel about affairs. They are motivated by feelings of chronic partner-sex deprivation.
This may help explain the paradox at the heart of affairs. In many surveys, respondents overwhelmingly condemn infidelity as morally wrong and relationship-threatening, yet, depending on the study, at least one married individual in five (20 percent) and a larger proportion of those in dating relationships (30 to 50 percent) admit cheating. (Actual proportions are undoubtedly greater. Infidelity is stigmatized. Many don’t admit it.) Something drives people to do things they condemn. Emotional stress, time apart, values disagreements, and substance abuse may all contribute to affairs, but chronic sexual complaints can push people—especially men—to step out, even when, apart from sex, they feel reasonably happy with their relationships.
Desire Differences
Chronic desire differences rank as one of the leading, if not the #1 reason why couples consult sex therapists. No studies have explored what proportion of those in sex therapy for desire differences have also considered or experienced affairs because of them. But I’m guessing it’s not trivial.
If you’d like to prevent affairs and your relationship is plagued by chronic desire differences, you might begin by reading the chapter in my recent book on resolving desire differences. If that information doesn’t provide sufficient help, I urge you to consult a sex therapist.
If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, rest assured that sex therapists do not have sex with you and do not watch you have sex. They’re psychotherapists with extra training in sexuality. They rely on face-to-face conversations, and may assign erotic “homework.” Sex therapy typically lasts four to 12 months, depending on the issues involved. Costs vary, but expect $200-300/hour, with discounts possibly available for those who can’t afford standard rates. For a realistic look at sex therapy in the context of a sweet romantic comedy, see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones.
Many mental health professionals who are not sex therapists specialize in repairing relationships torn apart by affairs. Their skills may well help. But if sexual dissatisfaction is the main complaint that tempts you to stray, I suggest consulting a sex therapist.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
