The 10 Commandments of Feedback

The Ten Commandments of Feedback

Source: Eli Gottlieb

This post is part 1 of a series.

Many of the executives I coach complain about their employees’ shortcomings. But when we dig into concrete examples, it often becomes clear that their frustration is self-inflicted. Specifically, it can be traced to their failure to give timely, effective feedback.

Giving feedback is a basic interpersonal skill and a key to holding colleagues and direct reports accountable. Yet, many otherwise smart and emotionally intelligent bosses unintentionally demotivate employees with their feedback-giving practices.

An organization can talk all it likes about accountability, smart goals and deliverables. But if the people working in it don’t give each other effective feedback when goals or standards aren’t met or express relevant appreciation to those responsible when they are, all that talk is just hot air.

I recently sat down to distill my experiences coaching executives to give better feedback into “The Ten Commandments of Feedback.” But the giving and receiving of feedback is a key interpersonal skill that applies way beyond the workplace. It’s essential, to name but a few examples, for healthy relationships between couples, between parents and children, and between friends and neighbors.

So here, serialized for Psychology Today readers, are my ten commandments for giving better feedback. In Part One, we’ll focus on Commandments 1 and 2.

Commandment 1: Praise in public; criticize in private

Many of us know this rule but don’t remember to follow it. Being called out for something in public is embarrassing. Even when the feedback is constructive and well-intentioned, it can feel to the receiver like shaming. Conversely, being celebrated publicly for a job well done makes us feel seen and appreciated. It also communicates to the rest of the organization that hard work and high-quality performance are valued.

Many bosses are better at remembering to criticize in private than they are at remembering to praise in public. Perhaps they’re concerned about inflaming rivalries or playing favorites. Or maybe they think that praising people makes them complacent. Either way, they’re wrong. Publicly celebrated wins help employees feel noticed and motivate them to keep improving.

Commandment 2: Don’t beat about the bush

Negative feedback isn’t fun, either for the giver or the receiver. Most people feel uncomfortable telling someone they haven’t met expectations. Even if you appreciate the value of constructive feedback, you rarely enjoy receiving it. It’s like being asked to look into a magnifying mirror and focus on your blemishes. You might know it’s for your own good but it still tends to feel more like taking bitter medicine than completing a satisfying workout.

Anticipating unpleasantness, feedback-givers often use small talk as a kind of preemptive social glue, to communicate to the receiver that all’s good and the relationship itself isn’t at risk. These motives for preambling are completely understandable. But the effect of small talk in situations like these is often the opposite of that intended. Instead of putting the receiver at their ease, you can end up making them more anxious and confused. At first, they’re busy figuring out what the conversation is about. Next, they’re disoriented, trying to reconcile the pleasantries with the sting of critique.

So, as I advise my clients: Lead with the bad news, especially if the feedback you’re giving is summative rather than formative. For example, if you’re telling an employee why they won’t be getting the bonus or promotion they wanted, give them a heads up at the start of the conversation. Open with statements like, “I’m afraid I have some news that you’ll find disappointing;” or “Thank you for coming in. You won’t be getting the promotion you asked for. The goal of our meeting today is for me to explain why not and identify what you can do differently to become eligible for one next year.”

Plato and Aristotle dialectics by Luca della Robbia-Museo dell’Opera del Duomo-Florence

Source: Yair Haklai / CC 4.0

It may seem counterintuitive but such introductions actually reduce anxiety and defensiveness. By aligning expectations at the outset, they prepare the receiver to attend carefully to the content of what’s coming next. Such openings can also relax the feedback-giver. Having gotten the hardest part out of the way, you can now focus on the task at hand and convey your message with greater confidence and clarity.

Stay tuned for Commandments 3 and 4.