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It is hard to believe that such an important event in your life—your wedding—could be ignored, avoided, or not significant enough for your twin to attend. But missing your twin’s wedding happens more than you would imagine. Whether the wedding was not well planned or impossible to attend because of time, location, or emotional turmoil, many brides and grooms commit to a very serious relationship without their twin’s presence. I wonder, “Is the non-married twin jealous of their twin’s new spouse?”
In my own experiences consulting with twins or going to their weddings, a truly good spirit of hopefulness is the primary sensibility. The most typical emotion of a twin wedding is closeness and harmony among everyone invited: the twins themselves and all the families and friends. But as the use of fertility treatments has led to more twins being born, more data has come to light about the challenges of being a twin and twin estrangement (a deep schism between the pair).
In My Own Life
My twin sister could not attend my wedding because she was in Sweden with her new husband, who was studying sculpture. Practicality came first. We had just graduated from college, and the cost of the plane fare and hotels was way too much money to spend. And the thought that we could not be together did not concern us. We were very against creating a twin spectacle, so we were not disappointed that we would not be subjected to the seemingly harmless, but in fact intrusive, questions of family guests.
- “Why did your sister get married before you?”
- “Why did you wear your twin’s wedding dress?”
- “Do you get along with her husband?”
- “When is your sister coming home from Sweden?”
I don’t think twins have ever liked to be compared because once it starts, it is endless. I was ahead of my time, sociologically speaking, having a wedding without my twin.
Twins Create Anxiety and Confusion at Their Weddings
It is a little unfair to blame curious onlookers as the sole reason for twin wedding anxiety, as twins on their own can be very disruptive to the peace of a usually joyful event. For example, the twin who is not getting married can be mean to her twin by not being respectful. Wedding pictures can be ruined by oddly made faces, and the embarrassment of other rude behavior happens on a regular basis at twin weddings, in my experience.
Why Twins Have Different Attitudes Toward Weddings
The cultural fantasy that twins love each other no matter what fighting or jealousy goes on between them is promoted or promulgated by a long-standing stereotype of twinship as an ideal relationship. The reality is that not all twins are alike. Not all twins get along.
Making twins feel guilty because they can’t get along is unfair to the entire family. Twins really see the world differently and they really do have different attitudes toward attending their brother or sister’s wedding. What follows are several examples of why some twins do not attend each other’s weddings and why these weddings can be especially fraught.
1. Unresolved Anger
The most common scenario where a twin does not attend the wedding occurs with twins who are still harboring anger at one another for previous or ongoing misbehavior.
Fear of being compared is also a contributor to staying away from a twin’s wedding celebration. Getting to the ceremony can also create serious problems if there is distance involved or a conflict with the date.
2. Embarrassed Twins
When twins are ashamed of one another for reasons that might include looking different, differing views on social and political issues, different levels of interest and achievements in academics, their social and/or athletic skills, or even their different creative natures, the twins might not want to be seen together.
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3. Estranged Twins
Twins who are estranged might not want to resolve their differences. Both twins are right and both twins are wrong, depending on your perspective. it would take a Supreme Court justice to make a fair judgment.
4. Reconciled Twins
Making up is hard for twins, but some twins manage to forgive and move on. These twins want to be together in a mature way. The idealization of the twin relationship is not endorsed or supported at weddings where twins have forgiven one another. In other words, reconciled twins do not long for their childhood closeness when one of them is getting married.
5. Twin Loss
The lone twin often sees their new spouse as a twin replacement. While this is very comforting on some level, it is also sad to accept that your twin is no longer able to be there for you. So lone twin weddings can be very sad and yet very rejuvenating.
“Once a twin, always a twin” is what I think of when twin loss is involved. In a strange or maybe not-so-strange way, every twin lives on, by being remembered.
Marriage Is a Different Experience for Twins
The joy, anxiety, and confusion that is experienced at most weddings can be seen very clearly when twins tie the knot. But there is more that goes on when twins are involved. Conflicts of comparison, competition, and vying for center stage are sure to arise no matter how much the family prepares for harmony. When twins marry, their emotional reaction is intense. Metaphorically speaking, they are getting a twin replacement or they are being replaced, which is a life-changing experience for the twin pair. When the reality of life change is acknowledged, struggles will probably lessen between the twins and the new spouse.
Advice for Twins Dealing With a Wedding
1. Be as patient as you can be.
2. Think carefully about what you say to everyone involved.
3. Encourage harmony but do not expect it will be present at all moments.