Source: pch vector/Freepik
I’ve always believed that when it comes to managing your family-building journey, two things matter most:
- Calming your nervous system.
- Getting accurate information.
I list them in this order because, without a calm nervous system, it’s challenging to absorb information, make difficult choices (we may make choices that are easier but not necessarily better), stay in treatment, and have good relationships with our loved ones.
One of the most challenging emotions many people face is shame. Here are some examples:
Fertility Treatment
Shame can sneak in when you feel you’re not on par with friends who have had children while you’re still trying. It can make you believe you’re “too old” to start a family or that there’s something inherently “wrong” with you because treatment isn’t working.
Secondary Infertility
Some people are content with one child or choose to live child-free, but others dream of having more children. Those experiencing secondary infertility often hear they “should” be happy with the family they have. While they usually are, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t want more.
Donor Conception
For some, having a genetic connection to their child is essential. For others, becoming a parent matters more. Yet, donor conception is often frowned upon in various circles and within families. Parents-to-be may fear they won’t bond as closely with a child who isn’t genetically theirs. However, after working with thousands of donors and recipients, I’ve never seen this fear come true. Parents often gravitate towards the child whose personality meshes with theirs, regardless of genetics. The athlete parent may connect with the athletic child, or the rigid parent may bond with the flexible one. Ideally, parents will try to treat their children as equally as possible, but because of temperamental differences, it may be easier with some than others. Genetics don’t seem to play a significant role here, though it can be hard to imagine before having your child.
Despite decades of advancements in fertility treatments and their increasing presence in public discourse and in political arenas, the stigma and shame surrounding family building through assisted reproductive technology persists.
We must recognize shame for what it is and understand how it can trip us up, influence our decisions, and make us feel terrible about ourselves. One way to combat it is by seeing it as a monster within us and others, and then make a conscious effort to stay away from it. When you notice it in others, change the subject, find an excuse to end the conversation, or limit discussions about that topic with people whose shame monster attacks you. The same goes for the monster inside you. When it surfaces, ask yourself if the shame is helpful, or just the monster trying to drag you down. The shame monster doesn’t mean to be hurtful—it just doesn’t know any other way.
It may feel like dealing with shame is yet another overwhelming task on your family-building journey. But shame is toxic and can be incredibly destructive. By keeping that shame monster at bay, you can not only make better decisions in your journey but also improve your chances of staying in treatment, all while building boundaries that will serve you well for years to come.
