Being a parent doesn’t stop once your child becomes an adult, but the dynamic changes. It’s hard to navigate this new phase when your adult child seems to treat you like a doormat—constantly expecting help, demanding more than you can give, or disregarding your boundaries. In fairness, the majority of adult children who are emotionally reactive, manipulative, or emotionally abusive with their parents are themselves in emotional pain.
It is crucial that parents not simply blame themselves. At the same time, they should take inventory of what they did well and not so well as parents and how that impacted their now-grown children.
The good news is that you can foster a more balanced and respectful relationship with clear communication and firm boundaries. Here are three ways I work with my parent-coaching clients to stop their adult children from walking all over them.
1. Set Firm but Loving Boundaries
If you feel taken advantage of, it’s a sign that boundaries have been blurred. Many parents hesitate to enforce boundaries with their adult children because they fear pushing them away. But without clear limits, unhealthy patterns will continue. Take Sharon, whose 26-year-old son, Micah, frequently asked her for money without ever paying her back.
At first, she didn’t want to create tension, so she kept lending him cash. But over time, resentment built. After talking to a therapist, Sharon realized she needed to say, “I love you, but I can’t continue to help you financially. It’s time for you to take responsibility.” Setting a boundary doesn’t mean shutting your child out—it’s about loving them while respecting your needs.
Tip: Be clear and consistent with your boundaries. Practice saying “no” without guilt and reassure your child that the boundary is for your mutual well-being.
2. Stop Rescuing Them from Every Problem
It’s tempting to jump in and fix things when your child is struggling, but constantly rescuing them prevents them from learning to handle life independently. Take Marcus, whose 30-year-old daughter, Elisa, called him whenever she had a conflict at work or an issue with her friends. Even though it drained him emotionally, Marcus would drop everything to give advice.
Amid a coaching session with me, Marcus realized that stepping in was stunting Elisa’s growth. He learned to offer support without solving her problems by saying, “I believe you can handle this. Let me know how it goes.” This shift allowed Elisa to develop problem-solving skills while reducing the pressure on Marcus.
Tip: Offer support and encouragement, but please feel free to stop the urge to solve every problem. Let your adult child experience the consequences of their choices and learn resilience.
3. Communicate Assertively, Not Aggressively
Many parents feel they must choose between being passive, avoiding conflict, or being harsh to get their point across. Neither extreme works well. Instead, assertive communication strikes the right balance. Jenna lost patience with her 25-year-old son, Tanner, who frequently attended family dinners late without apologizing.
Rather than blowing up at him, Jenna calmly expressed her feelings: “When you show up late, it makes me feel disrespected. I’d like you to let me know beforehand if you’re running late so we can plan accordingly.” Jenna set new expectations by communicating her needs clearly and respectfully without damaging the relationship.
Tip: Express your feelings without blaming or shaming using “I” statements. Be calm but firm, and tell your child what behavior you expect moving forward.
Rebuilding your relationship with your adult child after setting boundaries and expectations might take time, but it leads to healthier interactions in the long run. Remember, you’re not just their parent—you’re also a person who deserves respect.
Final Thoughts
Remember that reclaiming your boundaries and shifting the dynamic with your adult child requires patience and consistency. You can foster a more respectful and balanced relationship by setting clear limits, encouraging personal responsibility, and communicating assertively. These steps benefit you and help your adult child grow and navigate life independently. Ultimately, healthy boundaries lead to healthier connections.
