When it comes to connecting with others, does your nervous system tend to run “too hot” or “too cold”? Or are you able to live in the secure relating sweet spot of “just right,” even when your relationships become challenging?
“By discovering how to support your nervous system as it fluctuates between your connection circuit (when you feel secure and want to bond with others) and your protection circuit (when you feel insecure and threatened by others), you can build the self-awareness and skills you need to stay grounded and connected,” explained Sue Marriott, a clinical social worker and co-author of Secure Relating: Holding Your Own In An Insecure World, when we interviewed her recently.
We like to imagine we’re holding a safety dial that represents what’s happening in our nervous system to see if we’re in the:
The Red Zone (Too Hot)
Your attachment system feels threatened, causing your protection circuit to up-regulate and intensify your attention, emotions, and actions. This makes everything feel urgent, causing you to abandon yourself in favor of pleasing or pleading with others. Notice what’s triggered your fears in this zone and try to take a cool pause to slow down your responses by:
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Taking a Cool Pause: Bring the temperature of your mind and body down by drinking some water, immersing your body in water (the bath, a shower, the pool, or the sea), or taking a deep breath in and then letting it out with a loud audible sigh.
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Spotting the ANTS: You can see your ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) in the extreme language you’re using. For example: “People NEVER think about what I want,” “I’m ALWAYS being left out,” “NO ONE takes my side, or “EVERYONE leaves me.” Try calming down your ANTS by gently asking: “Is this story true?”
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Bulleting Your A-Has: Be mindful of the tendency to be verbose when you feel threatened. Rather than litigating why you’re worthy of being loved, skip to the end and share your a-has or the ask you want to make of the other person. Then, let them respond and really listen.
The Blue Zone (Too Cool)
Your attachment system feels vulnerable, causing your protection circuit to down-regulate and avoid emotional connections. This makes you scared that your relationships are demanding too much, so you protect yourself from honest conversations. Notice what’s triggered your desire for separation in this Zone and try to warm up your connections by:
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Finding a Bridge: If you’ve cut yourself off from others, find a bridge back by reaching out to someone you trust. Share what’s happened and ask for any support you may need. Let the other person know you are trying to be more open and vulnerable in your relationships.
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Repairing Your Relationships: Take accountability for any actions undermining trust in your relationships. Show that you understand how your actions have impacted the other person and apologize—without shifting blame or dodging responsibility. Genuinely work to mend the trust in your relationship and let them know what you will do better in the future.
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Walking Toward Love: If you need space alone to soothe your emotions, get out of your head and into your body by taking a walk. When you’ve walked what you’re feeling out of your nervous system, turn around and walk back toward the people who matter most to you and share what’s happened.
The Green Zone (Just Right)
Your attachment system feels safe, enabling your connection circuit to draw you towards exploration, bonding, and belonging. This makes it easier to embody trust and love, even when relationships become challenging. Notice what makes it possible for you to hang out in this Zone and spend as much time here as you can by:
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Recognizing: Which Zone are you in right now? Are your protection or connection circuits turned on? Is this serving you well? Helping your brain get curious slows down your rush to Red Zone and Blue Zone actions.
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Reflecting: What are you feeling? What triggered this feeling for you? Is this how you want to show up? As you reflect, imagine your wisest and kindest friend (real or fictional) sitting beside you, helping you to safely unpack what you’re experiencing to slow down your protection circuits further and foster new learning opportunities to encode safer experiences.
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Rewiring: How can you embody trust and love in this moment? For yourself? For others? It’s not enough to just think about feeling more trust and love; you need to feel it, do it, and share it so these experiences of secure relating settle into your body and mind.
A version of this post also appears on Substack. For more tips and tools on how to safely connect with others, listen to the full podcast.
