This is the second in a two-part series.
Parents are often reluctant to talk with their children about a death in the family. This is not without reason; it is a difficult thing to do. But telling your child about the death of their other parent– something sad, life-changing and potentially frightening– can be infinitely harder. Sometimes, telling your child they have lost a parent can be more upsetting to you than when you think about your own personal loss. We believe this can reflect a conflict parents can have, without being aware of it.
Parents ask us, “Does it help or hurt a child to hear about what is happening when someone has died?” Usually this question represents a parent’s wish to protect themself from having to experience this overwhelming loss a second time, through the experience of their child’s reaction. Although this wish is understandable, it cannot release you from the responsibility of the task ahead: letting your children know that their mother or father has died. Unfortunately, the immediacy of this task usually comes before you yourself are firmly settled, especially when the death is unexpected and occurs suddenly. This is often the harsh reality that confronts a bereaved parent and it may help if at least one close trusted friend or relative has been told and is available to you.
To begin the first conversation with your children, find a calm time, once you feel up to it, and as soon as you are able. If you need your close family friend or relative with you for support, that is a choice you can make, but sooner is better than later as children pick up on even unspoken things with some special childhood radar. It is far better to bring matters up yourself since facts are more manageable than what your child might use their imagination to conjure up as an explanation for what they are sensing.
Before you start, think through how your child most appreciates and opens to hearing things. Then, using clear, simple, gentle language, explain what has happened. “I am so so sorry, but I have some very sadnews to tell you. Mommy had a heart attack today, and even though the doctors worked very hard, they could not save her. She had a heart attack and she died.”
If you have several children, be prepared for different reactions from each. Children may seem confused, express disbelief or anger, confess guilty feelings for past misbehavior, flood you with questions or simply cry. Your child will have many questions and will ask them when ready; there is no value in rushing them. Often children ask, and then go off for a respite in play. There are no rules for this. Don’t judge your child’s responses. Be available to comfort and care for them as they experience it.
Our advice has always been to tell children the truth, not necessarily the whole truth and not all at once. If possible, tell all of your children together in this first conversation.You can address children of different ages separately in future talks. Sharing this painful truth and its details is never a one-shot deal. It needs to be an ongoing conversation, a truth unraveled a little at a time in response to each child’s questions and ability to understand. Recognize that as your child processes the information you share, more questions will arise and you can share additional information as you have further conversations over time.
Your capacity to accurately gauge where your child is can be compromised if you have not first examined some of your own feelings and are at least somewhat prepared to separate your feelings from those of your children. It is best to share all of the emotions expressed by your child with your child, but you do not want to share with your child all the emotions raised for you. Your loss and reaction will be different from theirs and could overwhelm or frighten them. You need to be emotionally present with your child as you share their feelings ,but, at the same time, cordon off some of your adult concerns and feelings to spare them. You want to be with your child, knowing that feeling the emotions now together is better for your child than having them arise anew when you might not be present to help. Absorbing your child’s feelings and helping them to find the words to articulate them and talk them through will lead to the best outcome.
In our experience we have found that children do want to know the facts. In their robust and repetitive questioning, we have seen children trying in very concrete ways, to understand the truth. This usually has nothing to do with you and doesn’t mean that they don’t trust you, but is simply their effort to make the real, real. They may press you for details you don’t feel comfortable telling them.Again, we advise you to tell them the truth, not necessarily the whole truth and not all at once. Answer questions in ways that satisfy but does not overwhelm them. You can use their questions about your answers as guidance as to what they may be thinking about and how much more to share. Ask them for clarification if you are not clear on what they are asking.
Quite often, facing the loss of one parent, will turn into a concern for other significant adults in their lives including you. Very concretely address their concerns directly and reassuringly. Share the inevitable silences that come as well. Do not feel compelled to fill in every quiet pause that can occur.
Through this process of repeated conversations you are nourishing your child’s capacity for handling all the sensations of upset, confusion and anxiety that left alone can cause overwhelming disturbance. Their capacity for managing this experience benefits from your help in understanding the facts and expressing their emotions. Resilience arises from being able to manage all of this. We believe that the abilities that can enable a person to “stay standing” come from living through these recovery experiences–knowing, absorbing, feeling, expressing. As difficult as this is for you, what could be more important for a parent than shepherding a child through this hardest of experiences? The key element is being in this together. This is the only antidote to loss that we know.
As your family absorbs loss and re-forms around memories rather than live moments, you will inevitably experience times of sadness together. It is the emotional form a loved one now appears in. At other times, they will appear in joyful memories and other lighter feelings. This is how survivors of loss can move forward with their loved ones, rather than move away or past them. Your children’s ongoing connection to their deceased parent, experienced over time in their thoughts, feelings, and memories, now endures in spite of death. Memories are the link that keep our lost loved ones alive for us.
