As a counseling psychologist, I’ve spent countless hours listening to adult children wrestling with complex emotions and challenges. Interestingly, many parents I also work with assume they know what their grown children are going through, but the truth is often surprising.
Below are three common themes adult children bring up in therapy sessions that might catch parents off guard. For each, I’ll offer practical tips on how parents can respond in ways that foster healing and understanding.
1. “I still feel like I’m not good enough for my parents.”
Despite their accomplishments or independence, many adult children harbor feelings of inadequacy. They recall childhood experiences where they felt they couldn’t meet their parents’ expectations. This lingering sense of “not being good enough” often resurfaces during pivotal life moments—whether it’s a career decision, relationship choice, or even the desire to be good parents themselves.
What parents can do:
- Shift from fixing to affirming: Instead of offering solutions or advice, try acknowledging their efforts and celebrating their strengths. A simple “I’m proud of the person you’ve become” can mean more than you realize.
- Emphasize progress over perfection: Share stories from your own life about mistakes you’ve made and how they’ve contributed to your growth. Modeling vulnerability can help your adult child understand that life is about evolving, not achieving perfection.
- Validate their feelings: If they express doubts or insecurities, don’t dismiss them with “Oh, you’re fine” or “You’re overthinking it.” Instead, validate their feelings by saying, “I can see why you’d feel that way,” before offering encouragement.
2. “I wish my parents would ask me how I’m doing—and listen.”
Many adult children express frustration that their conversations with their parents feel surface-level. They talk about work, kids, or day-to-day logistics, but there’s little room for a more profound emotional connection. These children long for their parents to ask about their mental health, personal struggles, or even just how they’re feeling emotionally without jumping to conclusions or trying to fix things.
What parents can do:
- Create space for honest conversations: Instead of just asking about their job or weekend plans, ask open-ended questions like, “How are you feeling about things lately?” or “What’s been on your mind recently?” These types of questions invite more meaningful dialogue.
- Listen without interrupting or offering solutions: Sometimes, your adult child wants to be heard. When they do open up, focus on listening actively. Resist the urge to give advice or solutions right away. Simply being there with empathy and support can be far more impactful.
- Check-in on their mental health: In today’s high-pressure world, many adult children are struggling with stress, anxiety, or depression but may not bring it up unless asked. Show that you care about their emotional well-being by asking, “I know you’ve been feeling pretty stressed; how is your mental health? Or even, “Are you feeling OK lately?” Asking these questions normalizes talking about mental health.
3. “I don’t feel like I’m allowed to have boundaries with my parents.”
Boundaries between parents and children can be blurry while growing up—parents naturally assume a leadership role in their children’s lives. However, when children become adults, maintaining healthy boundaries becomes crucial. Yet many adult children feel uncomfortable setting limits with their parents, fearing they will disappoint them or cause conflict. They struggle with how to assert their independence while maintaining a healthy relationship.
What parents can do:
- Respect their need for autonomy: Recognize that your adult child is now a person with separate needs, routines, and priorities. If they express a desire for more space—whether in how often they see you or the kind of involvement they want in their life decisions—respect that request without guilt-tripping or questioning their love for you.
- Have a conversation about boundaries: Initiate a dialogue about maintaining a healthy, mutually respectful relationship as adults. You could say, “I want to ensure I’m supportive and not overstepping. Is there anything I can do differently?” This opens the door for your adult child to express their needs nonconfrontationally.
- Avoid taking boundaries personally: When your adult child sets a boundary, such as wanting more privacy or saying no to an invitation, try not to take it as a personal rejection. Boundaries reflect not your worth as a parent but a healthy step toward your child’s independence.
The Takeaway
Struggling adult children often surprise their parents by revealing deep-seated emotional struggles that may have been simmering for years. The key for parents is to approach these revelations with compassion, curiosity, and openness. Whether addressing their inadequacy, engaging in more meaningful conversations, or respecting their boundaries, small changes in how you interact with your adult child can make a difference in their emotional well-being. By offering support in the right ways, you can help your adult child navigate life’s challenges with greater resilience and confidence.
