What took me over a decade and about 1,000 pints of ice cream to understand about love was that smart women could still be not-great daters. The kinds of things that matter in love aren’t necessarily the things that matter when it comes to having a great career or a busy social calendar.
Once I understood the things that did matter, I was able to find a great guy who still loves me to this day. If my story sounds annoyingly familiar, here’s some dating advice for women to help you find Mr. Right and ditch the heartburn once and for all.
Here are 5 cheat codes that give women an unfair advantage with men, according to psychology:
1. Don’t attempt to change them
I always treated men like projects — trying to fix, change, save, and domesticate them. The problem is that a man isn’t a roadblock at the office. A man is his person and only he can make the decision to commit, be accountable, treat you right, and work on keeping the passion in the connection.
As much as you’d love to have the power to steer him on the life road of your choosing, it’s not up to you. Attempting this is only going to cause you heartburn and snatch away a lot of your baby-making years.
With men, you have to stop looking for the challenge and go with the flow of the dating world. If it feels natural, easy, cozy, kind, sweet, tender, calm, and safe (heck, almost boring), then you’re in the position for love to blossom.
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2. Think of yourself as Queen Bee
As women, we’re biologically prone to defining our self-worth through our relationships. Men are not as likely to do this. Because of this truth, it’s important for women to feel appreciated, adored, and cherished. And men are happy to do these things for us because they define their sense of worth through their power to provide.
When you’re in your feminine energy, you’re the queen bee of the hive. You’re the center: still, calm, and receiving. The men in your life are the worker bees: giving, doing, nurturing, and offering. They’re buzzing around doing what they can to please you, and you’re appreciating them and building them up to go back out into the world.
Once you become the worker bee, the dynamic shifts. He’s the queen bee and men don’t want to be queens. He’ll get bored and resent you for not making him accountable to the relationship.
He’ll take you for granted and decide things on his clock, like if he’s going to call you back if he wants to see you if he wants your company. Sound familiar?
3. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable
When you can soften your edges and turn your rough, severe corners into cushiony, velvety textures, you will draw him closer. He wants to feel like you’re a safe place for him to reveal his underbelly. Your softer edges are the perfect place for him to rest his laurels.
To soften your edges, it’s important to get in touch with your feelings and senses. Forget about analyzing his behavior and nagging him about what he’s thinking and why he’s doing or not doing something. Start listening to your insides.
While listening to your feelings, also indulge your senses and let your body be more sensitive to stimuli. Focus on relieving tension and walking in your curves. Imagine that your body is a palm tree in the breeze, swaying and bending with flexibility as you move.
4. Let him know your care
My pug mix is adorable. He’s so sensitive to everything and it breaks my heart when the thunder comes because he panics so badly, I feel like he’s going to have a doggie heart attack. I got him this tiny jacket that holds him tight around his heart and tummy, and the pressure relieves his anxiety. It’s amazing how it works.
Well, I want you to be a man’s thunder jacket and make him feel safe and soothed in your presence. We all know that men aren’t usually comfortable with feelings, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have them. A smart woman knows how to hold a man’s feelings.
5. Be open about how you feel
A smart woman is a transparent woman: her inside and outside match. If you’re having a bad day, express it. If you’re upset with his behavior, tell him. If you’re nervous about being on a first date, say it. Studies show that partners who openly share their stress are more satisfied with their relationship.
Doing this makes you feel like a safe, no-drama, and no-mystery woman. See, men don’t like a mystery the way you’ve heard others’ advice. Only the commitment-phobes want to play those childish games.
Real men like our depth; that’s what’s mysterious for them. They’re captivated and intrigued by our ability to feel things on a deep level.
So many of us women are like most men: we’ve been taught to hide our feelings behind nurturing and giving and taking care of others.
However, all that mothering is smothering and controlling. You’re controlling a man when you try to mother him; you’re controlling him to control your scary inner world.
It’s time to stop hiding from your feelings and dive into a goddess world of soft, sensual, tender, tear-lined, laughter-filled edges. It’s time to be the center of the relationship and not move around working for a man.
Kristina Marchant is a writer and author with a BA in psychology from Barnard College at Columbia University. She is also a relationship coach who advises women on men and healthy relationship skills.
