Why Do Women Tolerate So Much Pain and Suffering in Relationships?

Hello friends! September brings a shift in schedules and expectations for many. Because I always close out August with my birthday, Labor Day weekend becomes a time of reflection and the start of a new year of life for me. I had the opportunity to spend some time by the lakeside contemplating changes that stemmed from leaving a long-term destructive relationship a few years ago. I understand, all too well, this reader’s question. Perhaps you have been pondering this same thing. Let’s start a discussion.

Today’s Question: Why is it that we as women will tolerate so much pain and suffering while in a marriage relationship and will do everything we can to try to work things out and stay in the relationship? And by this I mean, not counting the obvious reasons why so many women stay because of financial issues and the kids. Are we so weak, broken, needy, or codependent to tolerate any type of treatment rather than the very best that we deserve as God’s daughters? This is a question that I ask myself continually after reading the questions and stories from all the women who write to you for advice. Women in very destructive situations still want to work hard to save their relationships. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we want to stay and live this way? Can you explain?

Susan’s Response: This is something I get asked quite often and I think we could spend a lot of time on this question. There are many reasons why a woman might stay in a relationship, especially a covenant marital relationship, even though there is a pattern of harm being done. The obvious reasons you listed are not to be minimized as they can be significantly important to a woman. Let’s briefly look at some of the other reasons a woman might try to tolerate a destructive relationship.

From what I have experienced and what I hear from others, no woman wants to live with destructive relationship patterns. For many, the desire is not to stay but leaving is difficult for a multitude of reasons. Destructive relationships are complex and there has not been adequate support or teaching about how to navigate them. Many don’t fully recognize the destructive patterns and don’t know their options. Covert abuse is very difficult to describe and therefore difficult to communicate to others about what is happening. 

If you are concerned that you may be tolerating unnecessary pain and suffering in your relationship and are wondering what options you have, visit https://leslievernick.com/free-resources/ to learn more. 

In the Christian community particularly, a lack of support and poor teaching have been harmful to women in destructive relationships, compounding pain and suffering. Manipulation, exploitation of power, and misuse of scripture contribute to a woman’s desire to keep the relationship intact. Thoughts and feelings of guilt convince them to analyze situations from the abuser’s perspective and blame themselves. They are encouraged to cling to the hope that with God’s help, they can cause the abuser to change. However, love and loyalty can only help a person change when they are internally motivated to undergo a heart change. This misassignment of responsibility can increase the harm being done.

Creating further challenges, the effects of the destructive partner’s behaviors start to be identified as the reason for the relationship problems. Here are some examples. A wife’s anxious comments, stemming from a loss of safety, start to take the blame for the husband’s distance or staying out all night. Her depressive symptom of not cleaning like she once did becomes the reason he yells and berates her. Those who are not trained in power and control dynamics equalize the harm being done. When women are blamed, they are often too embarrassed, ashamed, and confused to expose what is actually going on in the relationship.

Poor spiritual teaching can actually aid in harmful trauma bonding. Trauma bonding in a significant relationship occurs when the one being controlled feels a sense of obligation to the one who is abusing power. In many cases, the woman feels a duty to her husband and a commitment to his happiness at all costs. In these destructive relationships, there is a presence of negative reinforcement mixed with sporadic positive reinforcement that creates confusion and difficulty with breaking away. The cycle of abuse contains periods of false repair or love bombing and periods of calm. These behaviors are covertly manipulative and cause disorientation. If destructiveness was the only phase, many would likely not tolerate the constant pain and suffering.  

Tradition, patriarchy, and cultural norms have historically kept women inordinately weaker and in need of male support. It took a long time for women to have the right to vote, open a credit card, get a loan, or establish an independent bank account. Women have danced to the song, Stand By Your Man, for many years. We have been told, strong women make men weaker. These attitudes have limited women and this type of thinking is harmful.

The mind is powerful. The thoughts a woman allows in her mind impact her behavior. Fear of failure, harsh judgments, limiting beliefs, distorted thoughts, and distorted sense of self-worth can all keep a woman stuck in a harmful situation. When lies are believed, the truth of God is dampened and a woman’s purpose becomes thwarted.

Many women risk losing family, friends, and church community when they leave destructive relationships. Intense loss and loneliness are the result; this can keep some women stuck. After all, having a supportive community is a necessity to healthy living. It can be difficult to find a community that understands the intricacies of relational power and control dynamics.

Not to be missed, leaving could be very dangerous. When you are in a destructive relationship, using the acronym DANGEROUS can help to identify warning signs to pay attention to. D- Divorce: if you have mentioned leaving, whether by separation or divorce, your danger increases. A- Alcohol: your degree of danger increases when the destructive person in your life abuses drugs or alcohol. N- Narcissistic tendencies: pay careful attention if the person you are in relationship with is highly self-centered, lacks empathy, and has little regard for you as a person. G- Guns: When there is possession of guns or weapons, the danger increases. E- Emotional instability: Be alert to mental illness. R- Rebellious toward authority: Lack of respect for authority and resistance to accountability are warning signs. O- Other violent behaviors: A history of violence or abuse toward self, others, or pets, is a great predictor of future danger. U- Unpredictable: When someone displays different personalities in public than in private or has a secret life of some sort, that is a warning sign. S- Suicidal: suicidal and homicidal threats should be taken seriously and are warning signs of danger. Being in a destructive relationship can be dangerous, but leaving one can be even more so.

It is not just women; the truth is, all human beings are weak, broken, and needy. The prophet Job, in verses 1-4 of chapter 14, states that we are all born weak and helpless. All lead the same short, troubled lives. We grow and wither as quickly as flowers; we disappear like shadows. Nothing clean can ever come from anything as unclean as human beings. We are told in Romans 3:10 that there is no one righteous, not even one, and in 3:23 that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. 

We all search for things outside of God’s will to manage our weakness, hide our brokenness, and comfort our neediness. Often we depend on things of this world more than we depend on God. How weakness, brokenness, and neediness play out in each of our lives may look different, but these qualities are similarities we all share.

What is keeping you in a place of unnecessary suffering and pain? What would it take to surrender it to God? How could you rely on Him to show His strength even in your weakness? In what ways could you trust Him to fulfill your needs even when your future is uncertain?  

Leslie Vernick & Company has an amazing education and support group, called Conquer, which can provide you with healthy tools to make a difference in your wellbeing as well as a community of women who understand your hardship. The Conquer membership opens in a few weeks; click the link to be added to the waiting list. 

Be Well!

Beloved reader, what has kept you tolerating destructive patterns in your relationship? Share your #whyIstayed