Morning friend,
Thanks so much for your prayers. The trip to Korea with my daughter couldn’t have gone better. We were greeted with lots of love, and it was wonderful for her to meet her birth parents, siblings, nephew and niece, aunts and uncles and her 90-year-old grandfather. I also got to spend quality time with one of our CONQUER sisters who lives in Korea. I came home with a bad cold, but everything else was wonderful.
This week we celebrate Easter, celebrating there is life after death. Resurrection after crucifixion. Remembering that light overtakes dark. So, while you may be in a season of dark, or feel like death, remember friend, this too is a season. Have hope. Life is coming again. Light will dawn, love always wins.
Today’s question: I got out of an abusive relationship about 6 months ago. This person still tries to have a relationship with me, flirt, get in my space, etc… I’ve tried being distant, indifferent, kind, firm, sad, anything to make him leave me alone. But he doesn’t. We live in the same town and share friends. These incidents happen whenever he is around me. I’ve considered a restraining order. Family members and close friends suggest it also, and actually requested it a few months back. But I’m scared.
I’ve forgiven him for the abuse and there isn’t a single thing he has done that seems or looks wrong, but when you look at the whole scenario it paints a different picture. Plus, he is manipulative enough to know what he can do to me and get away with. He’s someone who can talk his way out of anything. So again, I’m scared to get a restraining order. I don’t want to incite or provoke him. But I’m scared of not having a restraining order too. I don’t know what to do.
And how do you continually forgive but assert boundaries? Every time I’ve tried it makes things worse for me. He always seems to win. I want this whole situation to be over. I’ve dealt with abusive people my whole life and I grew up with abuse but now that I’m an adult I’m determined to not allow that cycle to continue but I’m feeling a lot scared and a little lost. I know God hasn’t given a spirit of fear and that He is in control. I’m just hoping for some advice and guidance from people with more experience in dealing with this kind of stuff than I have. Thank you.
Answer: I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced and are continuing to experience. Abusive individuals will not hear your no or respect your boundaries. They believe they are entitled to do as they please. You stated you have tried to change your behaviors to no avail. You’ve tried distancing, being indifferent, kind, firm, as well as stating your boundaries, and he still manages to get in your space and under your skin.
You haven’t mentioned what kind of abuse happened, but I suspect since you’re considering a restraining order, it was some sort of physical abuse or threat of harm. This is not to be taken lightly. You also said that his continued access to you is because he lives in the same town, and you share mutual friends. Is his access something you can change? I know it feels drastic and unfair, but as long as he has access, his behavior won’t change.
But what might change if you choose not to hang with those same mutual friends? What would change if your routine changed, and he didn’t know where to find you? You said your closest friends advised you to get a restraining order. It doesn’t sound like these friends would mind you distancing yourself from him even if you had to give up other friends that are more mutual.
Your specific question was how to continue to forgive while asserting your boundaries. Forgiveness isn’t about letting him off the hook or letting him have access to you to repeat his offense. Forgiveness is letting go of your right to retaliate. It’s about letting go of the pent-up anger or bitterness when someone repeatedly harms you. It’s leaving justice to God. It’s learning how to love your enemy, and have compassion for the damaged human being he’s become while holding on to the hard truth that he is your enemy. When you make yourself accessible to be a target of repeat offenses, it’s hard to keep forgiving. Friend, God does not ask you to have a personal or close relationship with your enemy. It’s not possible.
Remember, enemies don’t respect your boundaries unless they know serious consequences will result if they violate them. You can assert your boundaries as you’ve valiantly already tried, but the only boundaries that are effective are the ones you have 100% control over or ones that have serious consequences. Let me give you a few examples of what I mean:
Boundary #1. If he shows up at the same social event, I won’t talk to him, and he can’t talk to me.
Boundary #2. If he shows up at an event where I am, I will immediately leave.
Which boundary do you have control over? Which might be more effective at keeping you safe?
Boundary # 1. If he tries to flirt with me, I will ignore him.
Boundary # 2. If I see him anywhere near where I am, I will pull out my phone and start moving toward safety (other people, my car, calling 911, leaving the room). No access, period.
Which boundary will keep you safe from his repeated seemingly benign behaviors?
Boundary #1. Telling him clearly and firmly, “Please, leave me alone.”
Boundary #2. “I’ve repeatedly asked you to leave me alone. If you choose not to honor my request, (here’s the consequence), I will be forced to file for a restraining order.”
You don’t have control over him, only you.
This last example, stating a consequence if he violates your boundary is scarier in that it may provoke him to escalate. Or he may realize you mean business and not want that trouble on his record. Before you go that route, please consult with your local domestic violence shelter to see what your county requires to issue restraining orders. The last thing you want is to request one and be denied. That will only fuel his entitlement.
Consulting with your local DV shelter may help you in other ways. They may be able to give you additional ways to avoid contact with him than I had time to get into in this response and support you in getting a restraining order if you chose that route. Your very presence and energy give him a narcissistic supply. He feeds off upsetting you. Your best option is to go no contact, even if it disrupts your social life with certain individuals. Please block him from your phone, e-mail, and other social media sites. Do not respond to any of his invitations whether pleasant or unpleasant. The term is “grey rock” and you must become as boring and unresponsive to him as a grey rock.
Please take this seriously. Your safety and mental health are at stake and are more important than anything else.
Friend, when you’ve been in this kind of dilemma, what has worked best for you to get and stay safe?
