Source: Priscilla Du Preez / Unsplash
Have you heard of the big bad ‘S’ word? I’m certain you have because it seems to be all we talk about. Stress is often painted as the enemy of a peaceful life and the antithesis of mental wellness.
It’s not hard to imagine why people want to avoid stress, especially with mental health struggles on the rise, particularly for young adults in the U.S. ages 18-30. In 2019, 71 percent of college students reported feeling very sad, 66 percent reported overwhelming anxiety, and 45 percent were so depressed they couldn’t function. Diagnoses of anxiety and depression have become increasingly commonplace, with both disorders increasing by 63 percent from 2005 to 2017. A troubling pattern is emerging in adolescents, with increasing rates of suicidal ideation and attempts among teens, particularly affecting female, Black, and LGBTQ+ youth.
The current mental health crisis is fueled by contextual stressors such as the COVID-19 pandemic, economic instability, and societal pressures. These factors have particularly affected young people, who are now experiencing anxiety and existential questions at unprecedented rates.
People seem to have an ambivalent relationship with stress. On one hand, it’s something that bonds us. How much stress we are under is a conversation starter, and we find solace and support in being able to grumble about our insurmountable stress levels with others. Some of us even wear our high levels of stress as a badge of honor—emblematic of our hustle culture.
Yet, when we are too stressed, we can’t function. Everything feels overwhelming; we snap at our loved ones, make bad decisions, and are filled with doom and dread as we wake up to face the day.
Many of us seek to avoid, downplay, or make excuses for how stress makes us feel rather than address the problem at its root. Sixty-seven percent of adults reported feeling their problems are not “bad enough” to be stressed about because others have it worse. A third of people said they feel completely stressed out no matter what they do, and yet another third said they have too much stress to think about the future. People with insecure attachment styles—which accounts for 70 percent or more of people in the U.S.—tend to have an unhealthier relationship with stress management, a topic I delve into during my TEDx talk (as well as how to fix it).
Whatever your relationship with stress, there is one thing that we can all agree on—stress is a universal human phenomenon that is ubiquitous to our existence. Stress is a natural physiological response to challenges and threats. It’s what has allowed our species to survive and thrive under the most arduous circumstances.
The idea that one can live a stress-free life is not only unrealistic but also unhealthy. Stress plays a crucial role in our development, pushing us to adapt and grow and to take part in meaningful activities and relationships.
Attempting to control anxiety leads to a paradoxical increase in stress. We give so much weight to every thought and worry, preparing for every possible catastrophe, that we forget to live our lives and embrace the good.
To illustrate this problem, researchers at Penn State University asked chronic worriers (those that met the criteria for Generalized Anxiety) to write down their worries for 10 days. They then reviewed their list of worries every evening for a month to see if any of them came true. The result? A whopping 91.4 percent of worries were false alarms—what they feared never materialized. This shows us just how much our need to control stress and anxiety can wreak havoc on our minds and our quality of life.
So, what should we be doing instead when faced with the stress that we all inevitably encounter as part of being human? The answer lies in radical acceptance and practical mindfulness. Here’s my three-step plan to reconfigure your relationship with stress in order to foster joy and connection and achieve your goals in all areas of life.
1. Notice your anxiety and call it by name.
When you find anxious thoughts bubbling up, give them a familiar name. Acknowledge this “friend” for what it’s trying to do without judgment or derision. Your anxious mind is trying to protect you from potential harm, but perhaps it’s so well-intentioned it goes overboard.
Gently let your anxious thoughts know that you’re OK and don’t need to switch into fight-or-flight mode. Example: “Hi there, Betty, thanks for that thought. But I got this.” Consider the learning opportunity or what stress is telling you—perhaps it’s shining a light on an unmet need or something that needs to be tended to. Try: “Hi, Betty; I see you’re trying to get my attention. What are you trying to tell me?”
2. Ground yourself and use practical mindfulness.
Anchor yourself to the present moment and disengage the stress response by taking a few deep breaths (I like box breathing where you inhale, hold, exhale, and hold each for four counts, then repeat). Then, do one simple activity mindfully by internally narrating your actions or your experience through the senses. Example: Make a cup of coffee by noting each step you’re taking and describing how the activity is affecting your senses (e.g., “I’m smelling the sweet aroma of the coffee and feeling its warm temperature on my hands as I hold the cup”).
3. Make a list, then throw half of it away.
On a piece of paper, write the thing you’re stressed about at the top. Then, create two columns: “What I can control” and “What I can’t control.” Write down what you can control and what you can’t. Review both lists, then tear out the “can’t control” list. Rip it up or throw it away as a physical and metaphorical goodbye to things you can’t change. Finally, consider the list you can control and commit to doing one thing at a time that can help move toward a solution.
Next time you find yourself overwhelmed with stress, don’t run away or try to control it. Instead, make it your new best friend. Give it a name, have a chat, and figure out what it’s trying to tell you. By embracing stress and finding some humor in it, we can then (paradoxically) find the very peace we are seeking.
