An employee got more than she bargained for after she extended kindness to her boss — whom she had no idea would become clingy and obsessed with her throughout the years.
Now, the employee is unsure how to establish boundaries with her boss and fears that her job could be on the line if she does.
The woman’s boss asked her to ‘adopt’ her into her family and bring her to their get-togethers.
Sharing her dilemma to the advice column, “Ask a Manager,” the 63-year-old employee revealed that she began working under the management of a director named Wanda a few years back.
“[She] is extremely good at what she does, is fiercely loyal to her staff, and possesses a wealth of knowledge and insight about our specific work unit and about government in general,” the woman said.
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While she described Wanda as a great boss, the woman revealed she has a rather problematic personality.
“She is also emotionally juvenile, totally self-focused, extremely needy, has never had any kind of a romantic relationship in her life, and her COMPLETELY PERFECT parents gave her a COMPLETELY PERFECT childhood that left her unable to trust any man outside her own family,” the woman wrote.
At the time the woman was hired, Wanda was going through family difficulties, as both of her elderly parents’ health was starting to decline.
“I had lost my parents some years previously, and I tend to be the empathetic and nurturing sort,” the woman shared.
The year Wanda lost her last living parent, the woman invited her to go to concerts with her, gave her books and loss advice, and even had her over for a family gathering around Christmas time. However, the woman would soon come to realize that her kind actions may have been a terrible mistake.
Since being invited to the Christmas gathering, Wanda has been constantly “dropping hints” that she would like to be invited to future family events. “I have worked very hard since then to ignore the hints, which, several years later, are still being dropped on a near-constant basis,” the woman wrote.
“I have extended no more invitations to family celebrations and have worked with other family members to shift hosting duties elsewhere (because if I am not hosting, then I’m not in charge of the guest list).”
While the woman tried to limit contact with Wanda, she worried about facing repercussions at work.
“A few weeks ago, she came to my cubicle in a flood of tears with the news that her adored sister is ‘selfishly’ moving across the country to live closer to her children,” the woman wrote.
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“She sobbed that she was being abandoned and that I needed to ‘adopt’ her because she wouldn’t have any family that she liked in the area anymore. She expects to be included in family gatherings, all concert and theater plans, and also made it clear that she’d like to go with us on vacations.”
The woman confessed that the last thing she wanted to do was adopt someone so needy into her family, especially when she would also have to see her at work. “Going to HR is out of the question because there is no such thing in my workplace as confidential reporting,” she explained.
“Firing people is nearly impossible due to the civil service system, so I am not concerned about that, but in her position as my boss, she could very easily make my work life intolerable.”
The woman asked if she should establish clear boundaries between work and personal life with Wanda or if it is too late and if she is stuck having to invite her to family events until one of them retires or passes away.
One manager responded to the woman’s dilemma, telling her how she should establish boundaries between her personal and professional life, even if it may be uncomfortable.
“Wanda’s situation sounds very sad, but she is violating all sorts of boundaries as your boss, and you’re right to want to reestablish more professional ones,” the manager shared.
They suggested that the woman respond to Wanda’s requests with sarcasm. For example, when she asked to tag along on the woman’s family vacations, she could say, “Ha ha, you’re funny! Imagine if I really did adopt you and start taking you on our vacations — Bob (husband’s name) would not be pleased!”
“If that doesn’t get the point across and Wanda continues to indicate she wants to be included in everything you do, you’ll need to move on to addressing it more seriously,” the manager suggested.
“To do that, I’d first express empathy for her situation, then clearly state you’re not able to help in the way she’s requesting while wrapping it all in a warm, friendly tone (since she’s your boss and you’re worried about staying on good terms with her).”
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While employees and their bosses can have a healthy relationship in the work environment, they should avoid mingling in social settings outside of the office.
Interacting with your boss or employees the way you would interact with those in your normal social circle can potentially lead to issues at work should you have a disagreement, even if it occurs outside of the workplace.
“It’s unlikely your boss is going to compartmentalize their frustration with you, so remember that your relationship outside the office is going to affect your relationship at work, too,” Amy Morin, a psychotherapist, disclosed to FOX Business. “It’s important to stop and think about what sort of boundaries you want to set beforehand.”
There is nothing wrong with establishing boundaries in order to preserve a healthy work-life balance. There should be a fine line between the people we see at family gatherings and social events and those with whom we have a professional relationship.
Even if our colleagues or bosses have no social life of their own, it is not up to us to ensure they get one by bringing them along to our own gatherings. You are under no obligation to ring in the New Year with a glass of champagne and your overbearing boss!
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.
