In simple terms, a dysfunctional family discourages you from trusting your true self so you develop a false sense of self. What does that mean? It means you are entitled to be all you are but, unfortunately, many people have unconscious limitations due to coming from a family who subliminally asked the person to adjust to the needs of one or more family members. Does this sound familiar?
Here are 6 subtle signs you were raised in a dysfunctional family — and it’s affecting you now:
1. You spend too much time trying to please others
You feel guilty about doing things for yourself. You feel guilty getting angry at people you think you should not be. And you feel guilty when others are upset.
This is caused by your erroneous thinking you are responsible for other people’s feelings. You were trained, in essence, to do what is impossible to do to make others feel happy. This is an essential people-pleaser, as described in 2024 research.
2. You tend to pick people who have trouble reciprocating
You constantly feel the relationship is uneven, there is no balance or fairness. Of course, due to your false sense of responsibility and guilt, you stay in these uneven relationships for too long and damage your emotional well-being.
3. There is either too much or not enough conflict in your intimate relationship
If you are always bickering and arguing without any listening or resolution, you may have come from a family where people were very reactive and ineffective in soothing themselves. The tenseness of your environment growing up has conditioned you to always be ready and willing to argue.
If you never have conflict and things are always agreeable, you may have come from a family where emotions were “swept under the carpet” and not dealt with. Both “high conflict” and “too low conflict” intimate relationships can be unsatisfying and emotionally draining.
4. You’re hard on yourself and tend to be a perfectionist
Perfectionism typically means you were either overvalued or undervalued as a child, as explored in a 2019 study. If you were overvalued, one or both of your parents made too big a deal out of your accomplishments and seemed to feel even better than you about them.
Or you were undervalued and made to feel you could never be good enough. In both cases, you haven’t learned how to feel “valued” for who you are.
Ilona Kozhevnikova via Shutterstock
5. You have a hard time relaxing
If you ever do stop, you may notice how uptight you are. Research on the treatment of childhood abuse and neglect shows that people who often have this problem are in perpetual motion, always having more to do on their to-do list than time allows.
6. You’re extreme as a parent
You are either too laissez-faire, letting your kids run the household, or you run it like a boot camp, thereby squelching the spontaneity of your children. In this case, you probably came from a house of one extreme or the other.
Either that or each parent represented either extreme and did not develop a united stand. The good news is you can create a new legacy for yourself and your children.
Todd Creager is a marriage and intimacy therapist, author, and speaker. He has been seen on Dating Advice, Celebuzz!, Playboy Radio, and more.
