Shame is one of the basic emotions, and it is normal and necessary for all of us to survive in the world. Other emotions — joy, distress, fear, and anger all have survival value, but fear, anger, and shame are the most common emotional actors in life-and-death situations, and therefore, the most powerful, as explored in a study of negative legacy emotions.
Fear and anger energize us, and although they can also cause problems in our lives, they are familiar and easy to understand. Shame? Not so much. We don’t like to talk about it, so we don’t understand it or how to handle it. Remember this: Shame is a feeling, not a fact. It will pass. Try these four tricks to help move it along and grow in the process.
Four psychological tips for turning shame into strength
1. Recognize shame when it strikes
What feelings can you notice in your body when you’re in the throes of shame? Maybe it’s a hot face, burning neck, tight throat or chest. Maybe it’s anger at someone who didn’t actually cause the problem, anger that ultimately might make you feel like crying. Everyone is different, so you’ll need to notice it in your own body and name it.
Once you know how it feels in its early stages, recognize that shame may make it harder to make thoughtful choices. Do not make decisions or take action while in the grip of shame or the anger that follows it. Stop, take a breath, and step back from the powerful feelings of shame and anger. Prepare yourself to make the best decisions you can about the situation.
2. Reach out to a friend you can trust
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The shame feels rotten. Shame can best be understood as the posture of surrender. When an animal has to choose between fighting to the death or throwing in the towel, shame is the emotion that kicks in to save it by signaling surrender.
The winner gets the message and unless he is hungry or angry, they save time and energy by accepting the surrender.
Like the loser in a dog fight, we humans hang our heads, avert our eyes, and slink away to lick our wounds when we are deeply or publicly humiliated either by our actions or the actions of others. We slink away in shame feeling rotten, but we’re still alive.
This is tricky. Shame is contagious and you may find some friends won’t be there for you. Others who may seem supportive may take advantage of your temporary weakness. So choose your friend well, but don’t try to go it alone.
3. Change your posture to change your emotion
Because nobody can survive as a constant loser, we’re naturally hardwired to bounce back from defeat and shame with a healthy surge of anger or aggression. We may exercise our anger by lashing out and defeating someone else, thus raising our position in the social pecking order.
Unfortunately, we humans are also capable of directing our anger inward and brutally criticizing or physically punishing ourselves. It feels better to exercise rage against the self, rather than remaining in a state of hopeless shame — making this paradoxical solution all the more (dangerously) tempting.
Research on the impact of emotions on decision-making helps show it’s easy to fall into patterns of rumination about shame, anger, hopelessness, and revenge because paying attention to pain and danger is one of the many purposes of the brain.
When you put on some high-energy music strut, and make some noise, it is the opposite of shame-based behavior and your emotions sync with your physical behavior. When you feel down and out, lift your head and shout: “I’m down and out, dang it.”
4. Speak up
When we try to make sense out of powerful feelings, we sometimes think too much. We try to explain the reason for these feelings and in the process create distorted and damaging theories.
In the case of shame, whether triggered by ruthless bullying or an embarrassing mistake at the worst possible time, we can conclude that “I feel shame because I am a hopeless loser.” This conclusion is not accurate, but it’s consistent with the emotion behind shame, therefore it feels true. It gets our attention because it’s painful and we repeat it until we believe it, as explained in The Self as Self-Fulfilling Prophecy.
If you’re friends with someone who has experienced bullying or humiliation, reach out to them and let them know they are not alone — let them know that you will stand with them. This is important. Brene Brown says empathy is the antidote to shame. Be the hero and maybe even save a life.
Brock Hansen, LCSW, author of Shame and Anger: The Criticism Connection, is a clinical social worker and personal effectiveness coach with over thirty years of experience in counseling individuals with a variety of problems related to shame and anger.
