Even though we all want the same thing, to feel valued[1], we have moved far away from the simple approach of reminding a person of an opposite political persuasion of their value. I believe the current worldwide anger and anxiety is a result.
We don’t trust each other.
We restrict our trust to our in-group, our own tribe, at the exclusion of a multitude of out-groups. While there is a lot of evolutionary pressure to continue this behavior, we cannot afford to follow this strategy; it has become counterproductive and will destroy us.
My wife and I often reflect on how different the world was when we were growing up. For her, the most dramatic comparison is letting our kids go and play outside. She grew up in a town with beaches and forests. Her parents would open the door, and out she went with her brothers and sisters. At night they would come home. And there was never an expectation of anything else.
But today, with the fear of kidnappers, drugs, and malevolence—kids don’t just go out to play without some underlying anxiety. Many years ago, a close friend who I trust completely had bought a new red convertible. He offered to drive my then 12-year-old daughter and two of her friends up the hill to the little country store. It was closed when they got there, so my friend asked where else they would like to go. As they lingered in the parking lot, they were noticed by a policeman in his cruiser. And when they left the parking lot, the policeman followed them all the way back to our driveway down the hill. While grateful, on one hand, that the police are so vigilant, it is a sad example of how much we worry and how so very mistrustful we have become.
As a nation, our social domain has shifted to one of mistrust. The impact of this shift on our sense of self? We see the world as more dangerous than it was when we were growing up. My mantra is that respect leads to value and value leads to trust. But disrespect leads to feeling devalued, which results in mistrust. We live in a world where there is an enormous amount of disrespect. It is no surprise, then, that we have so much mistrust.
Global economic depression, a pandemic, and global anger and fear. For many, money is short, and the distribution of resources is often uneven. As a species we face climate change, the undercurrents of religious wars, political divisions bordering on civil war, countries afraid of each other, and citizens afraid of each other within their own countries. Anger toward one another between countries, and between the citizens of their own country.
Far… far from trust.
I do not believe that anyone really likes this, or believes it is a way to survive.
What do we need to do, one person at a time, to shift the mistrust between nations, between neighbors, between strangers?
Do we dare?
Perhaps in the face of so much anger and danger, being uninvolved and without influence, being a person with no agency and no power, being a person who does not matter, becoming invisible seems a lot safer.
But you do matter.
And even activating the choice of doing nothing, you still have an influence.
You control no one but influence everyone.
We shift this mindset of fear and mistrust to one of confidence and hope. Of doubting the motivations of the other, and thereby activating our own survival response.
How?
Let’s start by shifting the paradigm: Let’s wonder who that other person is and why they do what they do, with curiosity instead of suspicion. Let’s reflect on why they hold their perspective, instead of reflexively dismissing it and seeing it as a threat. If you see someone as a threat, do not be surprised if the other person, the other group, or the other country does the same.
You control no one but influence everyone.
But small changes can have big effects.
We often see others who disagree with us as not doing as well as they should, or less valuable because they do not share our values, or less trustworthy. Instead, shift the paradigm. Let’s respect that we are all doing the best we can, influenced by our home, our social world, our biology, and the way we see ourselves and think others see us (theory of mind). That we want the same thing: to survive.
We don’t need to do it at someone else’s expense.
Let’s wonder instead of worry.
Let’s be reflective instead of reflexive.
By adopting and applying the mindset that everyone is doing the best they can, you model being a more interested participant, wondering who the other person is and why they do what they do. That genuine interest is a message of respect and value. Using the brain tool theory of mind, wondering about that other person, without judgment but with true curiosity, can spark a conversation that may lead to a significantly deeper understanding of their perspective and likely their wondering about yours.
Respect leads to value and value leads to trust. And trust is the foundation of unlimited potential.
We can do this.
