Getting to know someone takes time and patience, yet oftentimes, people let you know exactly who they are through what they say.
For women, in particular, there are very specific phrases they may use that indicate they aren’t as great of an individual as you may have thought.
If a woman uses these 10 phrases, she’s likely not a very good person
1. ‘I’m not trying to mean, but…’
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Women usually say this phrase right after they’ve said something mean about someone else. By saying, “I’m not trying to be mean” before being mean, they hope that whatever insult they’ve thrown out will land gently or slip by unnoticed. Really, the phrase calls even more attention to the fact that they’re acting like a bully.
A study on the social psychology of insults found that all insults involve a perpetrator, a target, and, sometimes, an audience. The study noted that there are different types of insults, including stereotyping and scapegoating, excluding people, and belittling someone’s identity. Not all insults are purposeful, yet the corresponding feelings of shame, anger, and guilt are universal.
The study concluded that insults are a powerful way to establish one’s status or power over other people, either on an individual or organizational level. When a woman says, “I’m not trying to mean,” chances are the next thing she says is going to mean.
2. ‘I’m low-maintenance’
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Women who say that they’re low-maintenance are waving a giant red flag that says that, actually, the opposite is true.
Women often proclaim to be low-maintenance in response to overt societal pressures to not seem needy. Men tend to call women needy even when they express valid emotional or practical needs. It’s a way to devalue women’s feelings and make them feel like they’re being “too much.” It’s not surprising that women would take a stance in the opposite direction and say that they don’t need any extra support.
The truth is, having needs is an essential part of being human, no matter what side of the gender spectrum you identify with. All people need help at some point in their life, and asking for it doesn’t make you a bad person.
The more a woman says they’re low-maintenance, the more likely it is that they’ll expect you to meet their needs, even when they don’t express those needs outright, which means that they’re passive-aggressive.
3. ‘They’re just jealous’
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A woman who responds to critique or criticism by exclaiming that the other person is jealous of them is probably more insecure than she lets on. Being insecure doesn’t necessarily make someone a bad person, but if they put others down to boost their own confidence, they might not be a very good person.
Comparing ourselves to other people is a natural part of being human, but it’s what we do with comparison that makes a difference.
YourTango’s poll on Comparison Culture found that measuring ourselves against other people is entirely normal, even though it can be harmful to our senses of self-worth. Of the participants, 75% said comparing themselves to others motivated them to change in healthy ways, while 62% said the act of comparison was problematic in their lives.
Dr. Cortney Warren explained that “The goal is not necessarily to stop comparing… but to ensure that the way you compare yourself to others is accurate and helpful (as opposed to distorted or harmful).”
A woman who thinks everyone else is jealous of her probably has a distorted and inflated perception of herself, which is why she thinks everyone wants to be like her.
4. ‘I’m not like other girls’
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If a woman tells you that she’s not like other girls, watch out: It’s a warning sign that she’s likely not a very good person. She wants men to see her value and think she’s not only cool, but better than other women.
A woman who uses this phrase is actively putting other women down in order to gain social capital and approval from men. By nature of living in a world where men hold more power than women do, it’s not surprising that a woman might try to distance herself from negative stereotypes of women, yet saying this actually reinforces that same negative stereotyping.
Internalized misogyny isn’t any individual woman’s fault, but she has to notice it and work to break the cycle in order to heal and become the best version of herself.
5. ‘I’m not here to make friends’
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The saying, “I’m not here to make friends,” is often used in social situations where competitiveness thrives. A woman who uses this phrase is usually a cutthroat person. She’ll step over other people to find success at any cost.
Being competitive is a normal facet of being human. Both men and women can be competitive, yet it tends to show itself in different ways. One study on the development of female competition posited that girls and women compete by using “strategies that minimize the risk of retaliation and reduce the strength of other girls.” The study established that women compete on an overt level only when they hold high status in their community.
When a woman says that she’s not here to make friends, it shows that she has an individualistic mindset, as opposed to being more community-oriented. She doesn’t care much about other people’s feelings and centers herself in every situation.
Women who say this tend to have low levels of emotional intelligence. This phrase emphasizes a lack of empathy and compassion, which means that whoever uses it is probably not a very good person.
We gain more power by working together than maintaining strict divisions, yet women who say this tend to believe the opposite is true.
6. ‘He knows the rules’
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A woman who says this phrase is showing that her true colors aren’t very kind or equality-minded.
We all have expectations around how our partners should treat us, but this phrase is a condescending way of trying to exert control over another person. Relationships should be based on mutual respect and equitability, yet this saying emphasizes the mistaken belief that partnerships are a power play.
A person who weaponizes their role in a relationship isn’t a very good person.
7. ‘I’m never wrong’
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A big part of being human is making mistakes. The way a person reacts after being called out for their wrongdoing is a clear sign of whether or not they’re a good person.
Being wrong doesn’t make someone a bad person, but if they refuse to own their mistakes, it can indicate that they’re rigid and not particularly kind or compassionate.
Psychologist Guy Winch Ph.D. explained that a person who never admits they’re wrong has a fragile ego. “They need to warp their very perception of reality and challenge obvious facts in order to defend their not being wrong in the first place,” he said. “Psychological rigidity is not a sign of strength, it is an indication of weakness.”
Women who say they’re never wrong have little compassion for themselves or others, and they feel a need to always be perfect, which creates an immense amount of internal pressure. Being unwilling to change their narrative shows that they might not be a good person.
8. ‘Sorry, not sorry’
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This false apology is often said by women who don’t want to be held responsible for behaving poorly or saying something hurtful.
It’s a way of brushing off the need to take accountability. It also downplays other people’s feelings and minimizes any emotional responses they have.
“Sorry, not sorry” is mean-girl code, essentially declaring that they’re not at fault for how anyone else reacts to them, especially when they’re putting other people down.
9. ‘It’s whatever’
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A woman who says this phrase often does so when something is wrong, but she doesn’t want to admit it. Maybe her friend flaked on dinner plans or her boyfriend didn’t listen closely to the story she was telling. By saying, “It’s whatever,” she’s signaling that she’s hurt, but can’t express her feelings in a direct way.
This passive-aggressive form of communication is often followed up by giving someone the cold shoulder, which is an emotionally manipulative reaction.
A woman who declares that “It’s whatever” instead of saying, “My feelings are hurt” is showing that her communication skills need a lot of work. That in itself doesn’t make her a bad person, but if she’s unwilling to change, then she might not be a very good person, after all.
10. ‘Good vibes only’
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Declaring that good vibes are the only acceptable vibes to send out shows that someone isn’t a very good person, as they refuse to recognize that a wide range of emotions exists.
A woman who relies on toxic positivity to motivate people probably has a hard time facing life’s challenges. Not everything is sunshine and roses all the time, and being able to see the gray parts of reality makes people more resilient.
If a woman demands that people avoid expressing their darker emotions, she’s likely not a very good person or, at least, she’s a one-dimensional person who doesn’t understand emotional nuance.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango’s news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
