A mom shared the following: “I hate when my phone gives predictions of what it thinks I will write next. Not because they are wrong, but because they are usually right! I see I am spouting out cliches and boring repetitions. The same thing happens when I say the same old not-helpful things over and over to my children.”
This motivated me to create this list of “same-old, same-olds” parents say to children, along with some substitutions, which you can use until they become stale and you need something fresh.
1. Crying won’t solve anything.
It’s true that crying won’t fix a broken toy or reinstate a canceled visit to grandma’s house. But crying does release the pain of a loss, especially if the child is able to cry in your warm and loving arms.
Instead of dismissing the tears, try:
Tell me all about it.
That really made you sad.
You wish the toy didn’t break.
2. Stop that!
Commands to stop a problem behavior don’t usually work, or just work for an instant because the child is startled or afraid. Then, when the command fails, parents blame the child for “not listening.” But children are unable to listen when their fight-flight defenses are activated. In addition, “stop that” does not guide the child to a better course of action.
Instead, try:
Let’s find you something safe to bang on.
Sounds like you’ve got some shouting to do. What’s a better place for shouting?
If you do that one more time I am going to pour this water on my head! This one needs some explanation: One of my favorite ways to get children’s attention and get them reflecting about their behavior is to use a silly mock-threat (you don’t have to really do it). They laugh and this resets the situation without the unintended consequences of harsh commands.
3. Go to your room!
Being sent away activates children’s deepest attachment fears, which is not the road to better behavior. Children do not think during a time-out about how to be a better citizen. They think about how unfair you are, how not to get caught, or how to take revenge on their little sister for getting them into trouble. They are scared and alone, unable to comprehend that this exile is temporary. A better alternative is a time-in, where you put your energy into reconnecting. A break in connection is probably what led to the problem behavior in the first place. You can give yourself a time-out, like in basketball, where you can’t make the other team take a time-out.
Instead of exiling children, try one of these alternatives:
Let’s have a time-in on the couch.
I’m going to give myself a time-out to cool off, splash some cold water in my face and talk to myself in the mirror. I’ll be back in five minutes.
4. Calm down!
A demand to calm down never works. But an invitation to calm together is often very successful. Besides, you probably have as much need to calm down as your child, maybe more.
Instead of repeating your insistence that the child calm down, try:
Let’s take some deep breaths together.
We’re both pretty upset; do you have any ideas for how we can cool down?
5. Be a big boy/Be a big girl.
Development is slow; it has detours, switchbacks, and backtracks. No matter how fast you want your children to grow up, they will still act little sometimes.
Instead of blaming children for not being as mature as we would like them to be, remember what it was like to be a kid. Try saying:
This is hard.
I understand.
Source: Trần Long / pexels
6. Use your words.
If children could put feelings into words all the time, they would. So would adults! But they can’t. A friend told me that she demanded of her six-year-old daughter: “Tell me in words what happened so I can fix it.” The girl kept crying, and her twin sister said, “Mommy, tears are words.” So true.
Instead of requiring children to use words to express themselves, try one of these alternatives:
Thank you for showing me how you feel.
Your tears really let me know how sad you are.
May I hold you?
7. What’s the big deal?
Children are sensitive. Something that is tiny to us is big to them. One of my heroes, Janusz Korczak, wrote, “The child has the right to respect for his grief, even though it be for the loss of a pebble.”
Instead of dismissing a child’s concerns, try one of these alternatives:
I can understand why this is so upsetting to you.
That pebble was very special to you.
8. Don’t say that! Don’t speak to me that way!
Instead of meeting a child’s “unacceptable” language with anger, try: That’s a really strong way to say how angry you are.
9. You can’t have that/You can’t do that.
Children need to learn to accept such realities. But we can emotionally support them as they develop that resilience.
Instead of shutting down a child’s desire, try one of these alternatives:
You wish you could.
I wish you could.
Let’s pretend to buy every toy in the whole store!
10. Why can’t you wait your turn?!
We wish that children would have the self-restraint to wait patiently—for your attention, for their turn, for their birthday, for a snack. But they often don’t. Instead of trying to force maturity (always a losing battle), accept that waiting is still hard for them, and offer your emotional support.
Try saying instead, It’s hard to wait, I’ll help you wait.
I learned this phrase from Patty Wipfler, founder of Hand in Hand Parenting, and it is magical. Our “help” is simply to be with them and empathize with their urgency and disappointment.
