What constitutes a betrayal in a relationship? Surely, a sexual affair fits the bill. But betrayals are not always so cut and dry. Some betrayals are more obscure. For example, lying is a type of betrayal. Though it may seem like a small thing, being late to an agreed-upon time is a form of betrayal.
Definition of Betrayal in Relationships
Betrayal is simply any behavior that dishonors an agreement or commitment and fractures trust.
Betrayal of trust can appear in many forms. While some are more obvious than others, they all impact the trust and emotional safety within a relationship.
Importance of Recognizing Signs of Betrayal Early On
While undeniably painful, recognizing betrayal sooner rather than later can save you from even more hurt. It gives you the opportunity to come together to understand the cause of the betrayal and for your partner to work to move toward you instead of away. On the other hand, earlier discovery can allow you to walk away from the relationship, ridding you of future heartache.
A significant benefit of earlier detection can be the chance to save the relationship. Couples counseling can make all the difference, especially if paired with individual therapy. It may be hard to believe, but many couples not only repair their connection but improve their relationship after a betrayal. The numbers show us that more than 75% of US marriages survive infidelity.
Couples counseling after betrayal can:
- Help you learn skills to navigate the crisis
- Understand the context of the betrayal
- Rebuild trust and repair
Betrayal Blindness
Generally known as denial, “betrayal blindness” was coined by researcher Dr. Jennifer Freyd to describe the state of denial some people stay in after being betrayed. Betrayal blindness commonly occurs in intense, intimate relationships where a person obtains a sense of identity or belonging, such as a marriage or a partnership.
In close, romantic relationships, people may be more likely to ignore betrayal because they fear losing the relationship. With betrayal blindness, people fail to see betrayal even when there is evidence. Essentially, the person goes numb, ignoring the inner warning system that helps them pay attention to concerning behavior. Without that awareness, an individual persists in the relationship as if it were safe. They don’t confront the loved one nor do they withdraw from the relationship.
Forms of Betrayal
Some betrayals are generally agreed on while others can be subjective, depending on the boundaries of the individual and couple. No matter how big or small, a violation of trust is a violation of trust and can result in lifelong issues with trust.
Physical infidelity
The straightforward one is physical infidelity. Physical betrayal comes in the form of kissing, intimate touching, and sex.
Possible signs of a physical affair:
- Less interest in sex with one’s partner.
- Using the phone or computer a lot more, usually late at night.
- They smell differently
- They’re home less often
- They avoid questions/give suspicious answers
- They’re vague about where they’ve been or what they’re doing on technology. (Alternatively, they could over-explain as a coverup.
Casual vs romantic:
Physical affairs can be considered “casual” meaning they are primarily a sexual relationship, without the expectation of anything more (romance). One-night stands and hiring a sex worker are examples. Or a physical affair could be “romantic” meaning there is also an emotional connection.
Emotional infidelity
Emotional affairs are when a person feels closer to someone else than they do to their own partner. Emotional affairs are a type of infidelity that is absent of sex. They involve a close, intimate relationship with someone. The person invests a lot of time and energy into the relationship outside their marriage, more than they do with their spouse. Despite there not being a physical component, they can hurt just as much.
Emotional affairs can definitely be a gateway to physical infidelity. However, emotional affairs are not necessarily a precursor to a physical one. Many times they stay non-physical. There might not be sex involved but there’s often shared physical attraction. They may also feel love for that person.
Financial infidelity
Being shady with money can fall under infidelity because it is serious and can be devastating to the other person and the relationship.
Financial betrayal looks like Intentionally keeping financial information from your spouse (or lying about it). Not being upfront and honest about existing debt, failing to disclose big expenditures, or simply lying about spending are all examples of financial infidelity. All of which can destroy trust within a relationship.
Substance Abuse
If a partner has a problem with drugs or alcohol, the other partner may see it as a betrayal of the relationship. This is because it appears that they are prioritizing drugs or alcohol.
Trust and betrayal are central aspects that can be greatly affected in relationships where substance abuse exists. Substance abuse often leads to broken promises, lies, and deceit, which destroys the trust required for healthy relationships. The partner struggling with substance abuse may choose their addiction over honesty and reliability, causing their partner to feel betrayed and insecure.
Substance abuse on its own can be a type of betrayal but it can also lead to other forms. Prioritization of drugs or alcohol can cause financial dishonesty, infidelity, or general neglect. The other partner may frequently question the truthfulness of their significant other, leading to feelings of hurt, anger, and confusion. It is a cycle of mistrust that can create a toxic environment where both people feel emotionally distant and disconnected.
Emotional Betrayal
Emotional betrayal occurs when one partner feels neglected, dismissed, or emotionally distant. Ignoring a partner’s feelings, constant criticism, or withholding emotional support are all forms of emotional betrayal that can erode the foundation of a relationship
It is withdrawing emotion like failing to support your partner when they need it. Relationship expert John Gottman describes it as “turning away from your partner”.
Examples and Types of Emotional Betrayal
Not communicating
Communication is paramount for any healthy relationship. Without open and honest communication feelings of betrayal can grow. Keeping your partner in the dark by not communicating needs, keeping secrets, or avoiding difficult conversations can great distance.
Breaking promises
Little things like telling your partner you will be there at a certain time and failing to do so can add up and damage trust.
Unfairness
A partnership is about equality – no one is better than the other and things should be shared. That includes the less enjoyable parts of life – household responsibilities shoudn’t fall primarily on one person for example. Nor should one person enjoy an unfair amount of privileges ie. big spending, or the only one taking nights out without parental duties.
Neglecting individual growth
Healthy partnerships encourage individual growth. Partner’s should support each other’s goals (within reason). Couples should cheer on each other and back personal aspirations.
Not sticking up for your partner
“Not having your partner’s back” can take different forms. Examples include talking badly about them behind their back, not interfering if they are being disrespected by others, or ignoring them at a public event.
Disrespect
Acting as if your partner is beneath you, calling them names, disrespecting their time, are all examples of disrespect, and a breach of trust as this is not what your partner signed up for.
Shutting down or stonewalling
If you are unavailable to your partner, no matter the reason, their need for emotional connection is ignored. This can feel like a violation of trust since relationships are supposed to be about connection and engagement.
Opening up to other people instead of your partner
Confiding in friends or family instead or before your partner can leave them feeling left out of your life. It can be hurtful to know they you were more comfortable opening up to someone else.
Conditional Commitment
Notice that conditional love wasn’t listed. If a partner abuses you, for example, the love you had may justly go away. The abuse would be the betrayal. Conditional commitment on the other hand, is a betrayal because it’s saying that you are committed unless x, y, or z. For example, you may be committed to the current relationship while it is convenient or until something “better” comes along.
Forming a coalition against your partner
A common alliance, though not the only kind is when a husband sides with his mother instead of his partner. This type of emotional betrayal causes a competitive dynamic between partner and family of the other partner.
Selfishness
This is simply prioritizing personal needs or wants over the relationship. Sometimes doing this is necessary for one’s mental health. However, it becomes selfish when this is a regular pattern and the other person feels like they’ve taken the backseat.
Examples and Signs of Infidelity
They’re Being Secretive
When it comes to affairs of any kind, there’s often an element of secrecy. They may be leaving the house more often and giving you questionable reasons why they need to go out or come home late. They may be more possessive about their phone and seem to be hiding screens from you. Perhaps they’ve changed passwords or they’re usually technology late at night.
They’re Being Critical of You
This happens when they compare the other person to you and see “the other” in a more favorable light. They wear rose-colored glasses with them, which can make them complain about you. They might also be judgemental or mean for another reason: they feel guilty. As a defensive posture, they try to flip the script to make you seem “bad”. This can help them justify their own behavior.
There’s Change In Your Physical Relationship
They may be less affectionate towards you. You may notice a decline in the bedroom. Maybe they pull away or make excuses to avoid being intimate with you. Even if they’re not having a physical connection with someone else, it can still affect yours.
On the other hand, it is not uncommon for a marriage to experience more physical intimacy when one party is engaging in an affair. They may feel more confident. They could be more aroused, imagining sex with that other person.
They’re Distant or Distracted
They appear far away, unable or unwilling to give you attention. They seem less interested in what’s going on in your world. Similarly, they may be less willing to share what’s going on in theirs. This could be because their mind is somewhere else, preoccupied with thoughts of someone else.
They’ve Changed Their Appearance
Maybe you’ve noticed they’ve lost weight, changed their hair, or have become more attentive to their clothing. A newly founded interest in one’s appearance or a dramatic change can mean they’re trying to impress someone else.
Something Feels “Off.”
Sometimes your gut truly knows best. It may just be a feeling you’re picking up, without anything tangible to point to. Some describe it as a “quiet shift”. This can be enough to cause you to look more closely.
