A relationship has its ups and downs because your insecurities and past trauma resurface and make it challenging for you to be close. Finding ways to bypass this emotional block isn’t easy.
Relationship podcaster Jimmy Knowles dug deep into what closeness looks like in a relationship, and shares what is required to get there. If you feel like you are ready for something deeper, it might be worth shifting your focus to the following efforts.
What it takes to experience real emotional closeness with someone
1. You have to share
To truly love someone means to invite and encourage them to share their inner world,” says Knowles. However, if you’re like most, sharing your inner world might be hard to accomplish. Sharing your hurt, desires, fears, and concerns, isn’t easy. Truthfully, it’s downright terrifying to do so.
But as Knowles points out, “Don’t tell me you love someone and that you care deeply about them, but you don’t even care to know them on a deep intimate level.” Research on the impact of past trauma on relationships shows that, in order to truly care for someone, you have to get comfortable in the uncomfortable. And we have to be able to let go of our pride and insecurities to make our relationship work.
2. You have to be vulnerable
Moreover, “Don’t tell me you wanna be loved, but you refuse to share your inner world with someone. I get it you’re terrified of being vulnerable, me too. But this whole thing comes crashing down when we refuse to be vulnerable,” says Knowles.
When we refuse to confide in our partner, we make room for misunderstands. When we refuse to confide in our partner, we allow our emotions to be closed off. If you want your relationship to last, you need to choose your emotional block or your partner. You can’t be emotionally blocked and open to love, as supported by research on vulnerability and well-being.
Knowles continues, “Anyone can feel close and connected during the good times, but it’s actually possible to feel close and connected during the rough times as well.” This is only possible if you’ve created a safe space built of trust, understanding, and respect.
3. You have to build commitment
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Getting there won’t be easy. You’ll likely argue and cry a lot. You’ll feel frustrated or guilty at times.
“At the end of the day loving someone means building commitment and trust with them,” says Knowles. These aren’t exclusive to not cheating. You can be with someone and never cheat, but still break trust.
How do you build trust and commitment? Knowles explains, “Building trust means consistently showing up and following through.” The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology helps explain how communication of commitment means you can rely on each other and trust you’ll be there during those tough storms.
It means, “I won’t push them away when they’re trying to get close and I won’t punish their vulnerability,” says Knowles. Promising to be vulnerable is about committing to having difficult conversations and committing to working through those difficult emotions together.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.
