Wait, Am I the Black Cat in My Relationship?

As I write this article, I see my husband outside gardening. But every few minutes, he stops to talk to our neighbors, strangers walking their dogs, and the postal worker.

I’m the type who would hide if I saw someone I know in public; however, he would intentionally go and say hi. And if he didn’t get a chance, he’d text them later to tell them he saw them at that specific place and time. He enjoys having lots of friends whereas I prefer a few close ones. According to TikTok, he’s the golden retriever trope to my black cat persona. 

I wanted to learn more about this dynamic so I reached out to some experts and dug in deeper.

What is the “black cat girlfriend” theory?

The “black cat girlfriend” theory is a concept that originated on TikTok as a way to describe a particular type of girlfriend (or partner) who embodies the personality traits often associated with a stereotypical black cat. 

For instance, they’re independent, mysterious, slightly aloof, and perhaps a bit intimidating — much like how black cats are often perceived. However, once they earn your trust, they are loyal, protective, and affectionate, much like a black cat with its chosen person.

Understanding the Black Cat and Golden Retriever Metaphor

The trend grew as TikTok users made videos identifying themselves or their partners as “black cat girlfriends”. They would highlight the contrast between this persona and the more outgoing and affectionate “golden retriever boyfriend.” 

Liz Hughes, MEd, LPCC, founder and therapist of Mind Body Therapy explains that the black cat and golden retriever metaphor describes a type of relationship where the person in the relationship is each other’s opposite.

“Think yin and yang. These opposites can be complementary and bring out the best in each other. Black cats are typically known as more introverted and mysterious while golden retriever partners are known as extroverted and friendly,” said Hughes. 

This can describe both romantic relationships and platonic friendships. For instance, the golden retriever friend is the one who is constantly messaging the group to meet up. The black cat friend is the one who won’t even respond until you show up at their door.

Black Cat Personality Traits 

So how did I figure out I was the black cat in my relationship? I self-reflected on how I behave and compared my personality traits to his.

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, clinical psychologist, professor, and writer in New York City explained that the black cat in a relationship tends to:

• Be more introverted
• Be more guarded
• Have a harder exterior shell
• Be slower to trust and warm up to their partner 
• Be quieter and more mysterious
• Have a calm demeanor
• Be more intentional and a good listener
• Be perceived as intimidating to others
• Appear elegant or graceful

“Once [black cat girlfriends] get to know their partner, they are able to be more open, talkative, and feel more connected,” explained Dr. Romanoff

Golden Retriever Personality Traits

The characteristics of golden retrievers are the opposite of black cats:

• Extroverted
• Warm
• Outgoing
• Friendly and social
• Ready to commit
• Talkative
• Eager to please
• Trusting

Potential Benefits and Challenges of This Dynamic

Dr. Romanoff explained that the person who identifies with the black cat personality tends to find themself in relationships with the golden retriever personality as the polarity of this dyad can allow each partner to lean into their strengths and balance each other out.

“The distinct opposite nature of these two personality styles creates tension in the relationship. This tension fosters excitement through the constant push-and-pull for both connection and retreat that tends to occur in this dynamic,” says Dr. Romanoff.

There are benefits and challenges to this dynamic.

Benefits

Hughes explained that we can benefit from our partners who have strengths different from ours. For instance, the golden retriever may show the black cat the benefits of being more social and the black cat may teach the golden retriever how to hold space for others. This can lead to a strong connection and mutual respect for valuing each other’s differences. 

“It can also be nice to be in a relationship with someone who has different traits [from] your own, leading to novelty and satisfaction in the relationship,” explained Hughes.

Challenges

Hughes explained that this dynamic can be challenging if partners cannot compromise well or communicate their needs. Conflict could arise when different levels of socialization are required to feel fueled or differing energy levels to engage with each other.

A recurring theme of our fights is how different my husband and I communicate. He naturally thinks out loud, exploring ideas along the way; I take my time to think through what I want to say. Then I say what I mean and mean what I say. Extroverts tend to speak abstractly whereas introverts talk concretely.

This contrast in our relationship means he will say things he hasn’t fully fleshed out which sometimes doesn’t make sense. But the most challenging aspect is that he’s not mindful of who is around when he’s talking. 

I’m responsible for the overwhelming task of planning the kid’s extracurriculars. Every season, I have to get up super early, compete with thousands of other parents to register for the activities, consider everyone’s needs and make it work for our family’s busy schedule. This fall, I was fortunate to lock in two options for our daughter’s skating lessons that worked for him. 

I asked him which day he preferred. He debated out loud, complaining about horrible traffic during both times. This upset me because I perceived that he was ungrateful for my efforts. He had the audacity to complain when I do more of the drop-offs and pick-ups than him plus I have to travel across town during rush hour for most of them. Why couldn’t he keep those thoughts in his head or consider who he is speaking to? 

How To Navigate the Black Cat Girlfriend and Golden Retriever Relationship 

We got into an argument about this and I explained why I was angry. We’ve been together for so long that we immediately recognized the issue. He knew it was about his communication style and how it impacted my emotional needs. I was reminded of why I couldn’t expect him to be like me and that he wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me with his words.

Hughes explained that in any relationship it is important to respect each other’s boundaries but this is especially true in the black cat and golden retriever relationship. 

“It’s ok to challenge your partner to try a new approach or think about something in a new way but it is also very important to listen to them when they express moving out of their comfort zone. With that being said, it is also important to communicate your needs clearly in any relationship but especially when partnered with someone who is your opposite,” advised Hughes.

Critiques and Controversies

Dr. Romanoff shared that this relationship dynamic could justify toxic relationship patterns where one partner is dismissive, cold, and rejecting — and the other partner is constantly seeking reassurance, validation, and connection. This dynamic tends to be criticized by people who view it as a hierarchy — where the black cat is the ‘top dog’ and the golden retriever is in the lower position in the relationship.

As with any trend and stereotype, labels never paint the full picture of how relationships work. There are days when my husband prefers to stay home and I want to go out to a party. In certain social situations, I’m more trusting and friendly whereas he’s more guarded and closed up. 

Our dynamic is constantly evolving over the 10-plus years we’ve been together. We’ve moved a couple of times, switched careers and had a couple of kids. It’s not healthy to generalize your relationship where each partner’s roles stay static. People change depending on different life experiences; couples that last know how to adapt to each other through thick and thin. 

Keep in Mind

The important thing is to keep communication channels open, never assume they know what you are thinking (and what they’re thinking), respect each other’s needs and work on your differences as a team. Oh, and you probably shouldn’t take relationship advice from a 15-second TikTok video.