This post provides some tools for managing negative, dominant power dynamics in both professional and personal relationships. The effectiveness of these strategies may vary depending on the context and the closeness of the relationship, particularly in personal settings where emotional and physical intimacy play a larger role. The focus is on recognizing and responding to power limitation or abuse, with the understanding that the impact of such dynamics depends on various factors, including the nature of the power display, the situation, and the personalities involved. The tips offered are general in nature.
Power operates in patterns. For example, aggression may be followed by a conciliatory drink or the bedroom. Start questioning the patterns in which your aggressive, power-hungry partner or boss operates, as you will need to recognize the patterns to disrupt them. This means that if no sex follows a fight, you should also not signal a readiness to forgive. Aggressions should not be forgiven or excused.
Confronting Aggression
Power tolerates no contradiction. If you do not respond to power, or do not respond adequately, it signals to your counterpart that they can extend their power even further. This means that not responding or only half-heartedly responding to aggressions can be grossly negligent. You need to prepare a repertoire of phrases to have at the ready in case of an attack. Power often renders its targets speechless. You need to find your specific language—the right sentence at the right time—as wisdom and accuracy will help with parrying. For example, “You can’t talk to me like that. I expect and deserve a different tone.”
Confident Handling of Mistakes
Power seeks points of attack, exploits weaknesses and fears—and looks for mistakes. Mistakes, of course, are not always avoidable. But some bosses (notably in my home country of Germany) may have no culture of error. They will look for mistakes when they want to get rid of you. Still, it would be bad advice to say one should urgently avoid mistakes; mistakes are human. Strive for good work quality and confidently admit to mistakes when they happen. Sovereignty makes people strong, not weak. In case of a mistake, you could say, “Unfortunately, I made a mistake, because…” or, “I have learned from this episode and will take the insight into account next time.”
Give the Other Person the Feeling That You Can Leave at Any Time
Power strives to possess people. It is all the more important to give the other person the feeling that you can leave at any time. You are not dependent on them, either financially nor emotionally. Here you need to work on your attitude—and your financial cushion. A silent mantra in this regard could be: “I can manage well on my own—you, boss or man, are not worth me staying.”
