If he’s the first thing on your mind in the morning and the last thought before bed, it might seem cutesy at first. But when you start losing sleep, nerves, and focus over her, it’s a sign that something deeper is going on. You might ask, “Why do I keep thinking about someone?”
Let’s explore 10 possible reasons behind this persistent thought pattern, and 5 ways to get someone off your mind.
Key Takeaways
- Sometimes persistent thoughts about someone come from unresolved emotions, attraction, or even just a habit.
- These thoughts might signal a deep connection, or they could be a result of brain chemistry.
- Understanding what’s driving these thoughts can help you manage them more effectively.
- If it’s impacting your well-being, there are steps you can take to help stop thinking about them.
Why Can’t I Stop Thinking About Someone?
Sometimes, our minds latch onto someone because they intrigue us — maybe it’s their charm, accomplishments, or the connection we feel with them.
It could be simple attraction or admiration, but when those thoughts start taking over, it might be more than just interest.
As Cobb, Leo’s character, says in Inception, “An idea is like a virus, resilient, highly contagious. The smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define or destroy you.”[1]
That’s how thoughts about someone can become all-consuming, especially if there’s unresolved tension, fascination, or even fear involved.
If these thoughts are more obsessive than casual, it’s important to recognize them. Strategies like avoiding triggers, challenging your thoughts, or even talking it out can help you regain your mental space.
But the key to stopping this mental loop is understanding why it started in the first place.
Reasons Why I Keep Thinking About Someone
1. Unfinished business
Ah, unfinished business — the ghost of relationships past that haunts your thoughts like the ending of La La Land.
When our minds get stuck on that un-had conversation, unsent text, or unexpressed feeling, we often find ourselves constantly thinking about someone who doesn’t always deserve our attention.
But why do these unresolved situations stick around? One explanation is something called the Zeigarnik Effect.
Named after psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik, this phenomenon explains why our brains latch onto incomplete tasks (or relationships).
Her research from the 1920s revealed that we remember unfinished or interrupted tasks far better than the ones we’ve neatly wrapped up. That’s because the mind is driven by the discomfort of cognitive tension, making unresolved issues more memorable and demanding of our attention.[2]
It’s the reason you can’t stop thinking about that ex who never texted back or the colleague who flirted just a little too much at the office party and never followed up.
So, if you find yourself replaying every interaction with that special someone like it’s the last season of Sex and the City, it’s probably because your brain is desperate to tie up those loose ends. Zeigarnik Effect, girl.
2. Unresolved feelings
Unresolved feelings are like that mental hamster wheel you just can’t seem to get off. You keep running in circles, chasing the same thoughts, but never actually getting anywhere.
This particular brand of overthinking is called rumination.
According to a 2008 study published in the journal Perspectives on Psychological Science, rumination is defined as a process where individuals “repetitively and passively focus on their symptoms of distress and the possible causes and consequences of these symptoms.”[3]
This focus on symptoms and causes, without moving toward problem-solving or solutions, is what makes rumination maladaptive.
When we can’t stop replaying those negative scenarios, we’re more likely to experience extended periods of sadness, anxiety, and even depression.[4]
So, like Seb and Mia in La La Land, it’s crucial to recognize when it’s time to let go of that alternate ending and move on to your next chapter.
3. Nostalgia
Nostalgia: the comforting half-truth we tell ourselves about the past.
It’s looking at your high school photos and thinking, “Wow, I was really rocking that asymmetric cut!” when, in reality, you looked like you got your hair styled by a lawnmower (true story).
According to research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, nostalgia serves as a psychological buffer, protecting us from current stress and anxiety by transporting us to a time when things felt simpler — or at least more controllable.[5]
Another study on nostalgia, featured in Current Directions in Psychological Science, notes that it “serves to maintain psychological continuity by connecting past experiences with present life, providing people with a sense of stability over time.”[6]
So, if you’re suddenly daydreaming about that long-ago romance with the barista who always got your name wrong, it might be your brain’s way of avoiding the fact that your current love life is more “swipe left” than “happily ever after.”
4. Attraction or infatuation
If you can’t get someone out of your head, it’s solid ground to suspect that you’re attracted to them, or maybe even infatuated.
These are some of the best feelings in the world. Drifting on a pink cloud made of romantic feelings, they give you that initial buzz, make everything seem more exciting, and then leave you distracted with a dreamy half-smile plastered on your face. Everything somehow relates to him, and every thought leads to him.
Research from Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, shows that when we’re attracted to someone, our brains serve us a cocktail of hormones, such as dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin.[7]
These chemicals create that heady mix of euphoria and anxiety, making you feel like you’re in the middle of a rom-com directed by Quentin Tarantino (wouldn’t that be a treat though?).
And while it’s cute and sweet and awesome, this kind of attraction can actually mess with your brain’s ability to function normally.
According to a study published in Frontiers in Psychology, people who are in the throes of infatuation often exhibit brain activity similar to those with drug addiction, specifically the dopamine-rich areas associated with reward, craving, and euphoria.[8]
Yup, you read that right — your brain is treating your crush like an addiction.
So, if you find yourself daydreaming about your crush while burning your toast for the third time this week, don’t worry — you’re not losing your mind. You’re just under his spell.
5. Emotional connection
When you feel a deep emotional connection with someone, every thought and every memory harmonizes with theirs, creating a profound bond.
Davidson and Begley explain in their book, The Emotional Life of Your Brain, that these emotional connections are deeply rooted in specific brain circuits.
This happens because of the brain’s neuroplasticity, which allows emotional experiences to reshape neural pathways, embedding these connections deep within our psyche.[9]
When we become close with someone, we form strong bonds. Our brains reinforce these connections, making thoughts of that person persist like a favorite song stuck in your head.
But emotional connections aren’t always sunshine and rainbows.
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that when you have a deep emotional bond with someone, your brain becomes highly attuned to that person. This connection makes it more likely for thoughts about them to pop into your mind, especially when there are unresolved issues or tension in the relationship.[10]
In simpler terms, the stronger the bond, the more your brain will obsess over it because it’s hardwired to care deeply about those important connections.
So, if you’re constantly thinking about someone you’re emotionally connected to, it’s not just your heart that’s involved — it’s your entire neurological system.
6. Limerence
Limerence, or as I like to call it, what would happen if we tried to live out love the way it’s portrayed in entertainment.
You might think you’re in love, but what you’re really experiencing is a psychological phenomenon that makes every Taylor Swift song sound like it was written just for you.
First coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, limerence is the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically accompanied by a strong desire for reciprocation.[11]
According to Tennov’s research, people in limerence experience a constant loop of intrusive thoughts, often idealizing the object of their obsession to an unrealistic degree.[12]
It’s not love — it’s an emotionally immature, romanticized caricature of love.
A study published in the journal Psychopharmacology found that limerence is often characterized by symptoms similar to those of addiction, including craving, withdrawal, and dependency.[13]
Pop culture is full of limerent characters — from Twilight’s Bella Swan, who literally can’t breathe without Edward, to Fatal Attraction’s Alex Forrest, who takes obsession to terrifying heights.
If your thoughts about someone are more like a thriller than a romance, you might be caught in the grip of limerence. And while it might feel intense, remember: This, too, shall pass. Eventually.
7. Psychic connection
Now, let’s get a little woo-woo with it: the idea of a psychic connection. Stay with me on this!
You know the feeling — you’re thinking about someone, and suddenly your phone buzzes with a text from them, or you both start humming the same song out of nowhere. Or maybe you get that gut feeling that something’s wrong, only to have a friend call with bad news.
I know how it sounds, but you can’t deny that you’ve experienced some unexplainable connection in your life before.
Coincidence? Maybe. But some people (41% to be exact, according to a recent Gallup survey[15]) believe it’s something more — a sign of a deeper, possibly even psychic, connection.
Psychic connections are the stuff of rom-coms and mystical folklore, but there’s some intriguing research that suggests our brains might actually have a way of picking up on the thoughts and feelings of others, especially those we’re close to.
Dr. Rupert Sheldrake, a biologist known for his controversial theories, has proposed the concept of “morphic resonance.”[14]
According to Sheldrake, emotionally connected people might be able to tune into each other’s thoughts and feelings, even across distances.
So, while you might not want to bet your life savings on the existence of psychic connections, it’s a fun and intriguing concept to explore — if nothing else, it adds a little magic to our understanding of human relationships.
8. Loneliness
If for you, the most relatable Taylor Swift song is “The Prophecy,” then at least one of two statements is true: 1. You have fantastic taste in music; 2. You might be feeling lonely.
When loneliness creeps in, your brain tends to fixate on people who once made you feel less alone, even if they’re no longer in your life. Your mind starts playing a highlight reel of past connections, trying to recapture that lost sense of belonging.
Research published in the Journal of Psychiatric Brain Science shows that loneliness can trigger a hyper-awareness of social connections, leading to increased rumination on relationships that are no longer active. This rumination can intensify feelings of isolation and emotional pain, making it harder to move on.[16]
That’s why you might find yourself thinking about that ex who made you feel like you belonged, even if the relationship ended ages ago and wasn’t good for you.
So, if you’re channeling Bridget Jones and singing “All by Myself” in your pajamas, don’t worry — we’ve all been there.
Loneliness is a part of life, but if it’s turning you into a sentimental mess, longing for that DJ from Amsterdam who couldn’t even do his laundry . . . Yeah, it’s time to switch up the playlist and find some new connections.
9. Unmet needs
When someone keeps popping into your head like a pop-up ad, it might be because they represent something you’re missing in your life.
Whether it’s companionship, validation, or just someone who knows your coffee order by heart, unmet needs have a way of hijacking your thoughts.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs tells us that we’re motivated by our unmet needs, from the basic (like food and safety) to the more complex (like love and self-actualization).[17]
When our needs go unmet, we might fixate on someone we believe can fulfill them, even if that person is no longer in our lives. It’s like shopping online when you’re hungry — suddenly, everything in the cart looks like a must-have.
Pop culture moment: Remember in Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise says, “You complete me”? That’s a prime example of unmet needs taking the wheel.
If your thoughts keep dragging you back to someone who made you “feel whole,” it might be time to ask yourself what you’re missing — and how you can meet that need on your own, without turning them into the human equivalent of a Band-Aid.
10. Avoidance of present issues
Sometimes thinking about someone is a fantastic way to avoid dealing with the here and now.
In psychological terms, this is known as emotional avoidance, and it can lead to a cycle of rumination where your brain keeps revisiting the past as a way to avoid the discomfort of the present.
If you’re constantly mulling over that one who got away, it could be because it’s easier than facing the pile of bills on your kitchen counter or the fact that your current relationship feels more like a tax audit than a love affair.
According to Dr. Susan David, a psychologist and author of Emotional Agility, avoidance is a common coping mechanism that allows us to sidestep uncomfortable emotions or situations.
She explains that when we focus on the past, especially on unresolved relationships, we can distract ourselves from the present. It’s like when you clean your entire house instead of tackling that big work project — you’re busy, but not productive.[18]
So, if you’re stuck in a loop of thoughts about someone from your past, it might be time to check in with your present self. What are you avoiding? And more importantly, how can you face it head-on instead of using your thoughts as an emotional escape hatch?
How to Get Someone Off Your Mind
1. Limit contact and reminders
Step one in the “Stop Thinking About Someone” handbook: out of sight, out of mind.
If you keep his number saved under “My Boo” or still have his playlist on repeat, you’re basically inviting those thoughts to stick around. It’s like trying to diet with a bowl of M&Ms on your desk. It’s an unnecessary temptation.
The trick to getting out of any addiction is to limit your exposure.
Psychologist Dr. Guy Winch, author of How to Fix a Broken Heart, suggests a “no contact” period as a way to detox from the emotional highs and lows of thinking about someone. He explains that every interaction, no matter how small, can trigger a flood of emotions.[19]
So, unfollow them, delete those old texts, and resist the urge to check if they’re still single.
2. Redirect your focus
Your brain is like a restless puppy — it needs something engaging to keep it occupied. If you don’t keep it entertained, it’ll keep returning to the same old thoughts. If those thoughts revolve around someone you can’t stop thinking about, it’s time to toss your brain a new toy.
Redirecting your focus isn’t just a distraction, it’s a way to retrain your brain to find joy and fulfillment elsewhere.
According to a study from the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science, engaging in meaningful activities significantly reduces rumination and intrusive thoughts.[20]
The key word here is “meaningful.”
Binge-watching Bridgerton might be fun, but it’s not going to help you stop obsessing over someone. Neither will three minutes of Wordle each day.
Instead, try picking up a new hobby, diving into a DIY project, or volunteering. Not only does this shift your focus, but it also boosts your self-esteem, which can take a hit when you’re stuck in a thought loop.
So, if you’ve always wanted to learn French or start a side hustle, now’s the time.
3. Challenge your thoughts
Sometimes, your thoughts need to be taken to court — are they fact or just a really convincing argument your brain cooked up at 2 a.m.?
Challenging your thoughts is all about playing devil’s advocate with yourself, questioning the validity of what you’re obsessing over.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a powerful tool for this.
Dr. David Burns, author of Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, suggests that we often fall into cognitive distortions — irrational thought patterns that convince us something is more important or meaningful than it really is.[21]
For instance, you might think, “I’ll never find someone like them again,” which is more melodrama than fact. CBT encourages you to challenge these thoughts by asking yourself, “Is this true?” or “What evidence do I have to support this?”
If you’re a pop culture buff, channel your inner Sherlock Holmes. Dedicate some brainpower to solving the mystery of why you’re stuck on these thoughts and then dismantle them with cold, hard logic.
4. Practice mindfulness
These days, mindful living isn’t just for yogis and monks — it’s a powerful tool to help you get those persistent thoughts under control. And I swear by it.
When you practice mindfulness, you’re training your brain to stay present, to focus on what’s happening right now rather than letting it wander down memory lane or into future fantasies.
Research published in the journal Mindfulness shows that mindfulness can reduce the frequency and intensity of intrusive thoughts. By focusing on your breath, your surroundings, or even the sensations in your body, you can ground yourself in the present moment, making it easier to distance yourself from your thoughts.[22]
Tibetan teacher Tsoknyi Rinpoche coined the phrase “Real but not true,” which perfectly captures how mindfulness helps you recognize your thoughts and emotions as real experiences but not necessarily as objective truths.[23]
This perspective lets you notice your thoughts without letting them run the show, giving you the mental space to handle life with more clarity and calm.
5. Seek closure
Closure is that elusive thing we all think we need but rarely know how to get.
It’s the final chapter in the book that is your relationship with someone, and without it, you’re stuck re-reading the same pages, wondering what could have been.
Seeking closure doesn’t necessarily mean you need to confront the person in question. Sometimes, it’s about finding peace within yourself.
Previously mentioned Dr. Guy Winch also discusses the concept of closure, explaining that closure is less about getting answers from the other person and more about making a personal decision to move on, accepting what has happened without seeking explanations or apologies that may never come.[24]
Think of Chasing Amy. Such a poignant ending, right?
Holden’s simple gesture of giving Alyssa the comic book is a quiet but powerful acknowledgment of his mistakes and an attempt to find peace. It’s a small act, yet deeply meaningful, as it signifies his growth and acceptance of the past, offering closure without the need for grand gestures.
Because seeking closure isn’t about getting the other person to understand. It’s about you deciding that your story doesn’t need them to write its next chapter.
Conclusion
By understanding why you’re stuck thinking of someone and taking actionable steps to move forward, you can reclaim your mental real estate and focus on what truly matters — your own happiness and well-being.
So, when you catch yourself wondering “Why do I keep thinking about someone?” remind yourself that moving on is a choice you can make to prioritize your peace and happiness.
Need tips on how to start off a relationship? We’ve got a whole page just for that—check out the link.
FAQs
Can someone feel when you are thinking about them?
There is no evidence that someone can feel it when you are thinking about them. The idea that a person is also thinking of you when you think of them is more of a romantic notion than a fact.
What does it mean if someone is constantly on your mind?
If someone is constantly on your mind, it may mean you feel a strong emotional connection or unrequited love. It could also be a sign that your attachment style makes you more prone to fixating on a romantic partner or someone new.
Why am I so attracted to someone I barely know?
If you are attracted to someone you barely know, it could stem from psychological factors, such as your attachment style or the release of oxytocin. When you meet someone and feel an instant connection, it might not be love but rather an initial attraction or excitement.
References
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- Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Wisco, B. E., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). Rethinking rumination. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 3(5), 400–424. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1745-6924.2008.00088.x
- Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Wisco, B. E., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). Rethinking rumination. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 3(5), 400–424. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1745-6924.2008.00088.x
- Wildschut, T., Sedikides, C., Arndt, J., & Routledge, C. (2006). Nostalgia: Content, triggers, functions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 975–993. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.91.5.975
- Sedikides, C., Wildschut, T., Arndt, J., & Routledge, C. (2008). Nostalgia: Past, present, and future. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 17(5), 304–307. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8721.2008.00595.x
- Fisher, H. E. (2004). Why we love: The nature and chemistry of romantic love. Henry Holt and Company.
- Fisher, H. E., Xu, X., Aron, A., & Brown, L. L. (2016). Intense, passionate, romantic love: A natural addiction? How the fields that investigate romance and substance abuse can inform each other. Frontiers in Psychology, 7, 687. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00687
- Davidson, R. J., & Begley, S. (2012). The emotional life of your brain: How its unique patterns affect the way you think, feel, and live—and how you can change them. Penguin Publishing.
- Davis, K. E., & Todd, M. J. (1985). Assessing friendship: Prototypes, paradigm cases, and relationship description. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2(2), 149–175. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407585022002
- Tennov, D. (1979). Love and limerence: The experience of being in love. Scarborough House.
- Tennov, D. (1979). Love and limerence: The experience of being in love. Scarborough House.
- Moore, D. W. (2005, June 16). Three in four Americans believe in paranormal: Little change from similar results in 2001. Gallup News Service. https://news.gallup.com/poll/16915/three-four-americans-believe-paranormal.aspx
- Burkett, J. P., & Young, L.J. (2012). The behavioral, anatomical and pharmacological parallels between social attachment, love and addiction. Psychopharmacology 224, 1–26. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00213-012-2794-x
- Sheldrake, R. (2003). The sense of being stared at: And other unexplained powers of the human mind. Crown Publishers.
- Finley, A. J., Schaefer, S. M. (2022). Affective neuroscience of loneliness: Potential mechanisms underlying the association between perceived social isolation, health, and well-being. Journal of Psychiatry and Brain Science, 7(6), e220011. https://doi.org/10.20900/jpbs.20220011
- Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370–396. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0054346
- David, S. (2016). Emotional agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. Avery.
- Winch, G. (2018). How to fix a broken heart. TED Books.
- Lyubomirsky, S., & Layous, K. (2013). How do simple positive activities increase well-being? Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22(1), 57–62. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721412469809
- Burns, D. D. (1980). Feeling good: The new mood therapy. William Morrow.
- Emerson, L. M., Heapy, C., & Garcia-Soriano, G. (2018). Which facets of mindfulness protect individuals from the negative experiences of obsessive intrusive thoughts? Mindfulness 9, 1170–1180 (2018). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-017-0854-3
- Tsoknyi, R., & Swanson, E. (2012). Open heart, open mind: Awaking the power of essence love. New York: Harmony Books.
Winch, G. (2018). How to fix a broken heart. TED Books.
