Relationships are not rocket science, but they are like a foreign language. And like foreign languages, they need to be learnt.
Swedish children learn English from their first year of school. They continue studying it throughout secondary school. It’s compulsory. And guess what? They grow up speaking great English.
Kids in the UK and the US don’t speak Swedish. Because they weren’t taught. It’s that simple.
Surely we just learn about relationships at home?
Consider your own upbringing. You might have been one of the lucky ones whose parents stayed together and stayed in love. Maybe you saw them resolving conflict, expressing affection, and living in harmony. But many of us weren’t as fortunate.
In the UK and the US, 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. Many couples handle it with care and it’s the best outcome for them and their children. But many don’t.
And the couples who stay together often do so in unhappy, unsatisfying or dysfunctional relationships. Those of us who grew up in those environments know what it’s like to witness our parents’ dramas and get caught in the crossfire. Even when we grow up in seemingly functional families, we often learn behaviours or attitudes that turn out not to be helpful in our own relationships.
After all, most human behaviour is learned. More than any other species, we learn by observing and copying—the blessing and curse of a complex nervous system, higher cognitive abilities, and developed social structures. In simple terms, we learn what relationships are like from our parents.
Monkey see, monkey do
If you grew up seeing your parents handle disagreements with calm discussion, mutual respect, and a focus on finding a compromise, there’s a good chance you’ve learned to handle conflicts this way. But if your parents often handled conflicts through avoidance or aggressive arguments, you may well have adopted similar behaviour.
Even in the best of those scenarios, how many of us can honestly say that we also saw our parents supporting one another and sharing tender moments—the kind of things we aspire to in our relationships? Perhaps we saw them running the house effectively, but did we also see them making time for one another and having fun together, or enjoying one another’s company?
If so, lucky you. But we’re now down to the rare few. For many couples, fun and affection get lost in the hustle and bustle of family life. We might have seen our parents holding down jobs and working hard to make ends meet, but far fewer of us regularly saw them being sweet, affectionate, or complimentary. Recent data confirms that little more than half of married or cohabiting couples show physical affection every day.
Most likely, you saw a mix of good and bad—things to emulate and things you wish you could unsee. Take that seriously; it’s your inheritance, like it or not. And when you’re done feeling sad or bitter about it, the seven suggestions below might help, presuming you want to do better.
The 7 rules of relationship grammar
- Compliment your partner and express gratitude for the things they do for you, big and small. You’re trying to build a savings account. Aim for a ratio of five compliments to one bit of feedback or request; five deposits to one withdrawal.
- When you raise something, think about the best way to do so. Use diplomacy and tact. Speak in “I” statements: “I’d like it if…” vs “You never do this or that”). Say what you want, but don’t issue demands or ultimatums (“I’d appreciate it if…” vs “If you carry on like that, we’re done”). Convert complaints into requests: “I’d like it if you came home in time for us to go out for dinner this week” vs “All you do these days is work.”
- When you’re on the receiving end, listen. Avoid being defensive, shutting down, or zoning out. Try to see things from your partner’s point of view. If you bite your lip in client meetings or with your boss, you can do it at home. You don’t have to agree with, or respond to, every word. Aim to understand the gist and look for points of agreement: “You’re right, I have been preoccupied with work lately.”
- Take a break during heated discussions. “Never sleep on an argument” is terrible advice. Let cooler heads prevail. However bad a situation is, you can always make it worse. So call a truce. Take some rest. And set aside half an hour tomorrow to talk more.
- Speak to one another as adults. You are not the parent; your partner is not a child. No pouting or sulking; no teachable moments; no lectures. Keep it brief and specific and allow your partner to respond. Suggest ways to act differently in the future rather than complaining about the past.
- Retire the drama. Avoid ‘always’ and ‘never’. Avoid criticism, contempt, and character assassination. Stop catastrophising. It’s ok to agree to disagree. Good communication doesn’t mean you’ll see eye-to-eye on everything. Relationships are about give-and-take. Be realistic. Think ‘good enough’.
- Take responsibility and apologise when that’s the right thing to do. Don’t go into victim mode; don’t overexplain; don’t get into a lengthy postmortem. Reset and do the next right thing.
Relationships Essential Reads
Practice makes perfect(ish)
For many of us, learning and practising those 7 rules really is like learning to speak a new language. And just as languages are governed by rules which need to be mastered, so too are relationships. Getting relationships right isn’t rocket science: Understand the rules of grammar and then practise.
Improvements come about when small habits are consistently practised. You are not looking for perfection. Marginal gains, accrued over time, are the key to success in all aspects of life. They will allow you sufficient fluency to understand your partner and ask for what you want. Given time, you’ll be speaking the language of love.
