When it comes to love, our hearts can often close our eyes to the harsh realities of our relationships. Emotional abuse, unlike physical abuse, leaves no visible scars, making it easier to excuse, rationalize, and, ultimately, stay stuck in it. The excuses we make for our emotionally abusive partners are often deeply rooted in fear, insecurity, and a distorted sense of loyalty.
Here are the four most common excuses we tell ourselves and how they keep us locked in unhealthy relationships.
1. “They’ve had a tough life; I need to be more understanding.”
Take Selena, for instance. She’s been with Rocco for three years. From the outside, they seem like the perfect couple. But behind closed doors, Rocco’s constant criticism and belittling have eroded Selena’s self-esteem. Yet, Selena reminds herself of Rocco’s difficult childhood whenever he puts her down. His father was absent, his mother was harsh, and he’s never really learned how to express his emotions healthily.
Selena convinces herself that Rocco’s behavior results from his past and that if she’s just patient and understanding enough, he’ll change. But in reality, Selena is excusing behavior that’s not her responsibility to fix. While compassion is essential in any relationship, it should never be an excuse to accept abuse. By staying, Selena reinforces that Rocco’s past justifies his present behavior, trapping them in a destructive cycle.
2. “They’re just stressed; it’s not who they are.”
Trey has been dating Shandra for a little over a year. At first, Shandra was sweet and supportive, but as time passed, she became increasingly volatile. Any minor inconvenience would make her rage, with Trey always on the receiving end of her verbal attacks.
Shandra’s job is high-pressure, and Trey convinces himself that her outbursts result from stress. “She’s not like this when things are calm,” Trey tells himself, clinging to the memory of the woman he fell in love with.
But the truth is, everyone deals with stress, and how someone handles it says a lot about their character. By excusing Shandra’s behavior as stress-induced, Trey is ignoring a pattern of emotional abuse that’s becoming normalized in their relationship. Stress can explain someone’s behavior, but it should never excuse it.
3. “They apologize afterward, so they must feel bad.”
Jessica’s relationship with Aaron has always been a rollercoaster. They fight often, and Aaron is known for saying the most hurtful things during their arguments. But the next day, Aaron always apologizes, sometimes with flowers or a handwritten note, promising he’ll never speak to her that way again.
Jessica clings to these apologies, believing they’re a sign that Aaron truly loves her and is trying to change. However, Aaron’s apologies are another way to manipulate Jessica into staying. An apology without genuine change is empty. It’s a band-aid over a wound that keeps reopening. By accepting these apologies without seeing any real effort to change, Jessica is allowing the cycle of emotional abuse to continue.
4. “They’re just going through a rough patch; it’ll get better.”
David and Monica have been married for five years. Recently, Monica has become distant, cold, and increasingly critical of everything David does. When David tries to talk to her about it, Monica brushes him off, saying she’s just going through a rough patch at work and needs space.
David, not wanting to pressure Monica, gives Monica the space she asks for, even as her behavior becomes more hurtful. He tells himself their relationship will return to normal once things settle down at her job. But weeks turn into months, and nothing changes. By convincing himself that this is just a phase, David is denying the reality that Monica’s behavior is becoming a pattern of emotional abuse.
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The Takeaway
The excuses we make for emotionally abusive partners are often rooted in love, fear, and hope. We believe we can help our partners change by staying understanding and forgiving. But the harsh truth is that emotional abuse is not a phase, a product of stress, or something that can be fixed with time and patience alone. It requires both partners to recognize the toxic dynamics and commit to change.
If you make these excuses, you must look hard at your relationship. Love should never be an excuse for abuse, and you deserve to be in a relationship where you are valued, respected, and emotionally safe. Recognizing these excuses for what they are is the first step toward breaking free and reclaiming your life.
