Why do we cancel in our relationships? First let’s go back to its origin.
The idea of cancelling someone for unacceptable behavior is long associated with human behavior. The slang term “cancel” was first introduced in a relational context from a song in the 1980s called “Your love is cancelled” by Nile Rodgers, according to a 2021 Washington post article. It continued to spread as a term used within political discourse. “Cancelling” is mainly associated with a check on power, particularly where organizations or systems have failed to hold individuals accountable for their actions. In the political world, it could mean taking a stand against injustices or punishing someone because of offensive behavior or transgressions. PEW Research Center reports that “cancelling” has served as social mobilization against political organizations or individual persons that needed to be held accountable as seen in the MeToo Movement. In an article by Business Insider, they reported on the history of “cancel culture” and it largely coinciding with internet use, namely social media platforms such as Twitter, now named, X.
Cancel culture consists of a group of people agreeing to overthrow a particular person, attitude, belief, or behavior that does not serve the majority group. Some of the fears with cancel culture is that it may censor free speech or minimize opinion. Others fear that individuals or groups will be attacked and ostracized because of their personal views which is the opposite of what America represents. However, the intention of cancelling is acknowledging harm that has been done and protecting the community from experiencing it again.
Cancelling in interpersonal relationships
In interpersonal relationships, cancelling occurs for several reasons. It could be due to toxic behaviors, betrayal of trust and safety, unresolved conflicts, violating boundaries or agreements and abuse or harassment or more.
As a licensed therapist, I occasionally observe clients engaging in flight- or-fight stress methods when overstimulated in relationships. Ever wonder why someone leaves the room after a heated argument? While it may seem to one that they are being immature, they also may be in flight mode. Flight is a survival mechanism that evolves into a physiological reaction that occurs in the presence of something mentally or physically frightening. The body goes into an alarm and resistance stage that wires up the body to prepare to flee. When people don’t know how to respond to their emotions, they may flee for long periods of times. Sometimes this can lead to cancelling the relationship overall. Because some people may not have the skills to emotionally regulate and engage in a crucial conversation, they may move to cancelling to protect the risk of being misunderstood again or worse, rejected and emotionally abandoned.
Cancelling can be a significantly complex and difficult for individuals involved. In the context of healthy relationships (commitment to work through conflict), I’d likely encourage one to consider what hasn’t been or what else needs to be communicated. I would encourage taking an agreed upon pause or break to regulate and re-mobilize the system in real time so productive conversation can occur when ready. I’d also highlight that when someone is seen as the offender that they are able to acknowledge what wrong they’ve done and seek forgiveness. Asking questions such as: did I do everything I could on my end? What has not been addressed? What can I do to help and improve the relationship? While the other person focuses on what they need and how they are communicating their needs/open to flexibility of various ways those needs may be met. From there, reconciliation may be an option. Reconciling happens when people can examine what is helpful and hurtful in the relationship and they can make an agreement to maintain what works.
When to cancel/alternatives to cancel
When it comes to when to cancel, I believe every situation is nuanced and each person must use their discretion. My first piece of advice would be to process it with someone who can give you guidance, support, and counsel. Therapy is an option because it gives the person an opportunity to actively process and reflect on issues with an additional perspective. If someone is violating your previously stated boundaries, you have a right to respond. I would highly encourage removing yourself from any harmful and violent actions or behaviors.
Alternatives to cancelling could be constructive criticism, restorative justice efforts and crucial conversations. Instead of outright cancellation, attempt to provide feedback that could be useful for education and ultimately allowing room for growth and mistakes. I personally understand not wanting to take the responsibility of educating someone or repeatedly communicating what’s offensive. If someone is unwilling to change, you should use discernment on your next steps. Pay attention to what your body needs and know when to take breaks, delegate responsibility or seek help. What else would you add as an alternative?
Conclusion
I hope you have a new perspective that there is more to “cancelling” than what meets the eye. I appreciate where we are in this generation because past generations have taught us to mobilize, speak up for our rights, and demand accountability. This has impacted interpersonal relationships in both favorable and adverse ways. My hope is that every individual would take more time to understand their triggers, why they feel offended and communicate what that is like in hopes of long-lasting healthy relationships.
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References:
‘Cancel Culture’ Origin: History of the Phrase and Public Cancellation – Business Insider
