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Most people think they want a “nice” romantic partner. Being nice suggests that a person is considerate and agreeable—what’s not to like? Niceness in a partner can be appealing at first, preventing friction and making them easy to be around.
But some behavior comes at the cost of more desirable attributes, such as genuine kindness or authenticity—both of which will sometimes clash with playing nice.
Beware of these behaviors in a current or potential partner.
1. Trying to Cheer Your Up
It’s one thing to care about your well-being, and another to monitor your moods constantly trying to make sure you’re OK. It can be exhausting and stifling to feel like your partner always has their finger on the pulse of your emotions—and isn’t comfortable with your sadness, anger, guilt, or disappointment. Their discomfort often turns into an unspoken demand that you have to cheer up in order to put them at ease.
2. Avoiding Conflict
Disagreements and arguments are difficult parts of a relationship, so you’ll probably appreciate it (at least at first) if your partner avoids conflict with you. They may seem super low-maintenance and won’t bring up difficult topics that are likely to trigger tension.
However, constructive conflict is essential for a healthy relationship, just as crops need both sunshine and rain. Otherwise the inevitable disagreements and misunderstandings never get addressed, causing them to fester in the form of alienation and resentment. Healthy disagreement is like cleaning a wound, which allows for proper healing.
3. Deferring to You
A partner who’s being nice will ask what you want to do when you’re deciding on a restaurant, making weekend plans, or trying to pick something to watch. It’s not a bad thing to make sure your voice is heard, but do they have a voice of their own?
Do they look into possible restaurant options and discuss them with you, or just say, “I’m fine with whatever”?
Do they offer their own ideas, or leave it all to you?
True collaboration is much kinder than deference. Rather than a partner who rubber stamps your decisions, you’ll probably want one who brings initiative, can take the helm when you’re tired of steering the ship, and will share the burden of decision making.
4. Telling You What You Want to Hear
It feels good when someone validates your point of view—for example, when they automatically take your side if you have an argument with someone. Or if you bought a new shirt and really want to like it, they’re quick to get on board.
But even if you want a partner who always agrees with you, sometimes what you need is someone to tell you the painful truth. If the shirt you bought is a bad cut for you or makes you look sallow, those are good things to know. If you’re being unfair in a fight with your sister, it’s helpful to hear that from your partner … eventually, even if at first it makes you mad.
At some point you’ll likely realize that there’s something lazy about always telling you what you want to hear, like a casual acquaintance who can’t be bothered to be frank with you and risk rocking the boat.
The best partnerships lead to mutual growth, which is possible only when your partner is willing to own their opinions and do the hard work of being forthright with you.
5. Making You the Center of Their World
What could be better than having a partner whose entire world revolves around you? As nice at it might sound, there are serious downsides to being the most important part of their life.
First, it’s a lot of pressure to be their number one. Research shows that the greatest meaning in life comes through finding a “grand framework” that puts one’s experiences in the perspective of a “greater entity” (Dai et al., 2022).
Typical candidates for these larger-than life, awe-inspiring entities include spirituality or the natural world; they tend to evoke awe by being “physically or conceptually vast” and unable to “be fully comprehended” in a way that “leads people to feel that they are small and insignificant.” That’s a lot for you to live up to—and not so great for your partner if they wind up seeing themselves as “small and insignificant” in comparison to you.
Additionally, you’re going to want your partner to bring as much to the relationship as you do. If you’re the pinnacle of all they know, how are they going to expand your world?
Instead of being with someone who makes you their everything, you’ll do better with a whole human being who has passions that aren’t centered on you. They may love you fiercely, and they also find deep meaning in something that has nothing to do with you.
The fundamental problem with a too-nice partner is that the niceties come at the expense of honesty. An honest partner is a good bet for the long haul. They won’t shade the truth in ways that make today easy at tomorrow’s expense. They’re willing to be fully themselves and want you to be exactly who you are.
If you see a lot of these behaviors in your partner, it might be time for an honest conversation. On the other side of nice there could be a richer, fuller, and more textured relationship—and one that’s built to last.
