Thinking back on the most pivotal moments in my life makes me realize how profoundly different the outcomes were when I paused to really consider the decisions in front of me. Hard won wisdom has reinforced that a gut instinct (which can be helpful, and ought to be factored into any decision-making process) is decisively not the same thing as wish fulfillment (which, if rashly followed, often leads to negative outcomes).
So often we go through life oblivious to the feelings, thoughts, emotions, and sensations that are driving our actions. Clearly, for big decisions, this oversight can have significant effects, but it is also true for seemingly small ones. During the day, we make hundreds of decisions—from when to get out of bed, to what to eat, how to organize our time or engage with others, and what behavior is right and wrong. The truth is that all these decisions shape our reality, identity, and story.
Making the best, most meaningful, constructive, and ethical decisions—because, yes, following your system of “right and wrong” matters—requires a mindful approach, one that will help you to distinguish between competing options and to balance reason and prudence with emotion, gut, and desire.
Steps for making more mindful decisions
Consider the following steps to help you make better, more mindful decisions—ones that you can feel good about and live with without regret.
- Make time and clear your mind. You can’t be rash when trying to “do right.” Slow down. Get grounded. Make sure you’re in your “window of tolerance.” Find a productive environment in which to think—this doesn’t mean the often-heralded “neutral” space. Instead, attune your mind to something that inspires you or makes you feel comfortable yet alive. Then, take a deep breath and get to work.
- Identify the challenge before you. Know what you want to achieve. Make sure you have a clear understanding of what you are considering. Ask yourself, “Is ‘this’ the best, most accurate way of presenting the issue? What am I missing or overlooking?” Don’t assume the obvious way is the only way. Consider at least two alternatives, and then choose the one that pairs your gut and grounded reason.
- Determine goals, both short- and long-term. Ask yourself, “What do I need, want, and desire to get out of this decision?” (need is a survival must; “want” is a nice-to-have; and “desire” is what you long for, based in meaning and purpose). Then prioritize around which of these are most important. Challenge yourself to see the bigger picture. Look at the situation from 30,000 feet. Check in with yourself about what emotions, feelings, beliefs, etc. are driving your conclusions. Try not to get lost in the weeds of immediate gratification.
- Get smart. Know the relevant facts—not what you think is true; rather, what can be determined through reliable sources (reliable being the operative word). Ask yourself if the people/group providing the information are credible. If a person says they heard, saw, or know something to be “true,” gauge their honesty, intention, and memory. If a source presents data, question how it was aggregated. Beware of belief perseverance, that is clinging to a belief despite discovering new information that soundly contradicts it. Be prepared to seek out more information and verify assumptions.
- Acknowledge your biases. We all have them. Consider what you’re vulnerable to that could influence or cloud your thinking. As you do, check in with yourself about what’s bubbling beneath the surface. Perhaps it’s an emotion, sensation, or thought, or an inclination, assumption, opinion, or trend (e.g., Tik-Tok). Bring them all to the foreground and get curious about what messages they’re sending. As you deliberate, keep an eye on any voices that get in the way.
- Take stock of your values. Sometimes the values we actually have look different from the ones we think we do. When considering your values, ask yourself, “What do I stand up for and stand against?” “What would I never do?” “What do I dream about doing?” “What would I hate myself for doing or not doing?” “What (or who) can’t I live without?” “What would I never sell or give away?” “What most stimulates my empathy and brings out my compassion?” “What am I outraged by?” “Who do I look up to and why?” “What are one or two values I want to pass on to my children or someone else in my life?” “What would be something worth making huge sacrifices for in order to preserve?” The point here is to get a real sense of what matters most to you—what takes priority and precedence in your life—so that you can then factor them into your decision.
- Explore options. Determine what you can do to address the issue at hand and accomplish your goals. Come up with at least three ideas. Any less and you’re not thinking hard enough. Having said this, don’t go off on flights of fancy. Keep the options realistic in both quantity and substance. Eliminate any that are wants and wish fulfillment gone amuck.
- Consider the consequences of each action. Look at each option next to your stated core values. Note which ones align with these values and which ones don’t. Eliminate all that violate them. Next, consider what you will gain and lose with each option, then consider the stakeholders—that is, who will be affected by these options and how they will be affected. Finally, determine what if any sacrifices will have to be made—either by your or someone else. Similarly, determine who, if anyone, will be hurt or diminished because of pursuing each option.
- Make your decision and commit to taking action. Choose the option that you deem is “right,” both in feeling and thought, and the one you believe you can live with going forward—even if that requires courage. If you are still struggling to determine the “right” decision, consider talking to a professional or to someone you trust—specifically, someone whose character and judgment you respect. Also, ask yourself, “How would I feel if this decision was made public?” or “How would I feel if I heard that someone else made the same decision?” Lastly, check the final decision against your gut—that is, the inner tug working for your highest good and happiness.
- Check in over time, if appropriate. Down the road, ask yourself, “Did the decision I made have the results I intended?” And “Did it cause any unintended or adverse consequences?” If so, consider reevaluating the situation and readjusting your strategy.
Making the “right” decision isn’t always easy; in fact, it’s often quite hard, especially in the face of competing or conflicting options. Fear, apprehension, and pressure can weigh heavy upon us, in no small part because regret is one of the most difficult life experiences to process.
When making a meaningful life decision, ultimately, what is most important is to be honest with yourself at each stage of the process. It’s the healthiest way to strike the “right” balance between the head and the heart.
