We’ve thankfully moved into an era where most people know the definition of harassment and that it is absolutely off-limits to comment on people’s bodies — which is not to say it doesn’t still happen constantly, of course.
But it’s hard to argue that the same shift has happened when it comes to men’s bodies. Men are, of course, not subject to anywhere near the level of objectification women deal with. However, when it does happen, it’s often laughed off and considered complementary.
One male worker online is dealing with this situation at his workplace, and as he shared in a Reddit post, it underlines a problematic double standard.
The man feels harassed at work because of his female co-worker’s constant attention to his body.
Now before we go any further, lest this become a honey pot for a certain kind of man — this is not some “men’s rights activist” story seeking to denigrate and deny the constant harassment and bigotry women face by casting men as victims of women’s privilege. None of that is real.
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What is real, however, is the very inappropriate nature of what this man is facing at his job.
As a lead engineer for a small tech company, the 29-year-old works in an open office space where interaction with colleagues is constant.
“I am usually a friendly person and get along with everyone, and I am happy with that,” he wrote. But while the socialization and collaboration have been upsides for him, the open, casual camaraderie of his company has begun to rear its ugly head in a most uncomfortable way.
The man said female colleagues constantly touch him, hug him, and comment on his physique.
“My desk is close to the door, and people often walk past me to go out or come into the office, and I get plenty of chances to say hello to everyone,” the man explained. And oftentimes, those interactions take an awkward turn.
“Sometimes when these women from HR (mostly way older than me) walk past me, they just randomly touch me on my shoulders or run their fingers across my neck,” he said. They also make constant comments about his “strong arms” and often go in for hugs and other physical greetings.
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“The other day, I was leaving and saying goodbye and presented my hand for a handshake to one of them,” he wrote, “and she opened her arms to hug me, and I stood there for a second thinking ‘wtf.'”
When he uncomfortably obliged the hug, he noticed “one of the Senior Managers (some 60s guy) was standing behind her laughing with his hand on his mouth.” The interaction left him feeling humiliated, and even more so when the same sort of thing happened again later with another female superior.
He feels like he’s the victim of a double standard and that he can’t complain without repercussions.
The man added that he knows none of these women mean any harm, and all of them are “really nice” and pleasant to work with. Still, he can’t shake the feeling that “switching the genders in the given scenario makes the man a creep.” It has him asking, “How is this acceptable?!”
Worse still, he feels trapped by the politics of his particular office. “I could tell them to stop, but the company is small — people know each other,” he wrote. “I don’t really know how to not make it sound personal.”
But people on Reddit felt like there was no ambiguity here. “The hugs are hard to judge without more context,” one person wrote, “but touching you on the shoulders and neck and complimenting your physique absolutely constitute sexual harassment.”
They added that the fact the harassment is coming from women in HR — who certainly should know better — is “particularly troubling.” And it highlights how differently we tend to view these situations based on the gender of the person receiving the attention.
What he’s experiencing fits the definition of harassment, and it happens to far more men than most of us realize.
Many felt it was obvious that these women are basically “cougars hunting for prey,” as one put it, and the lady with the “hunky firemen” calendar in her cubicle who goes ga-ga for the hot guy in the office is a long-running trope. But should it be? Or should it be treated with the same disdain we would now have for a man with a girlie calendar in his office?
That’s certainly up for debate — and there is a lot of nuance to the topic, given how much more power men have in the world than women. What is absolutely unambiguous, however, is that this man’s experience seems to clearly and easily fit the definition of harassment.
The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission defines sexual harassment as, among other things, “unwelcome sexual advances … and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature.” It becomes illegal “when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment” or results in decisions that impact the victim’s employment.
To be clear, this happens to women far more often than men — 81% of women report experiencing harassment or assault. But perhaps surprisingly, so do 43% of men, and of those men, 18% have experienced unwanted contact like this man has.
People urged him to treat this like any other sexual harassment situation: document every instance, bring it up to HR, recap every conversation in writing and, if needed, contact an employment lawyer.
Nobody should have to just shrug off unwanted attention, even if they are the hunky office guy our culture says is supposed to be flattered by it.
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice, and human interest topics.
