By: Alex Brown
Dating while separated can be a minefield of potential pitfalls. In some states, it may not even be a legally sound idea. And where it is allowed, it’s important to go into it with a clear head and open eyes.
Key Takeaways
- It’s perfectly fine to date while separated, provided you and your ex are on the same page.
- Some of the potential risks of dating while separated are complicated rebound relationships, impact on court decisions, and lack of stability.
- It’s important to take time to heal from your separation and know your legal rights before starting a new relationship while separated.
- You can bounce back from your separation by learning from the mistakes of your marriage and ensuring you’re emotionally ready to start dating again.
Can You Date While Separated?
In short, yes, you can date while you are separated from your spouse. However, while dating during a separation is not a crime, of course, there are some legal implications of dating while separated. For example, it can jeopardize your divorce settlement depending on your state and its corresponding laws.
As a result, it’s important to familiarize yourself with the laws of your state and what they entail regarding dating while being separated before you rush back into the saddle. In some cases, it might be best to wait until your divorce is finalized.
Potential Risks of Dating Before Your Divorce Is Final
Before you fall into the warm embrace of your next main squeeze, it’s important to consider some potential risks and implications of dating during separation.
This kind of situation can be a bit messy, so it’s crucial to ensure there are no loose ends. This will help simplify your dating life.
Here are a few risks to consider when dating while separated:
- Relationship complications: Look, I know you want to have fun and escape the drama that comes with going through a divorce, but it’s essential to take the time to ensure you’re emotionally ready to date so you don’t fall into any rebounds. Rebounds are not conducive to a long-lasting, healthy relationship.
- Confusing your children: If your separation agreement and divorce proceedings are going to involve child custody arrangements, it’s a good idea to hold off on a new romance until the divorce is finalized, for the sake of the children.
- Impact on court decisions: It’s best to keep dating by the wayside until the courts have made the end of your marriage official. Dating before that can affect court decisions, including spousal support, alimony, and child support, because some jurisdictions may consider it adultery and allow your spouse to build a case against you.
- Security and stability: Separating from your partner can be expensive — the dollars add up quickly. As a result, you need to know where you are financially and then determine if it’s a stable place to start dating from. Money gives you security and stability, and it’s hard to enjoy a new relationship without those qualities as your bedrock.
- Stress: Stress is another variable to consider when dating while separated. How you handle your emotions (especially during this tumultuous time) will affect your dating life. So, it’s important that you make space for self-care in whatever capacity works for you before you try to share your life with a new person.
Dating is supposed to be fun and exciting; however, it can quickly lose that appeal if you’re being weighed down emotionally due to legal complications with your marriage ending.
For this reason, ensure you have a solid foundation underneath you before you resume playing the dating game again.
Types of Separation
Separation is not the be-all and end-all you may associate with it. Instead, it’s more of an umbrella concept that covers a number of scenarios. As a result, you’ll need to consult with a divorce attorney to see what does and does not apply to your specific situation.
While different US states have different laws about separation, here are a few types you should be familiar with.
Legal separation
Legal separations are like divorces, with all the paperwork. The court formally recognizes them, but neither spouse can remarry until the marriage is officially divorced. While you are legally separated, you negotiate the divorce settlement.
Permanent separation
If you and your ex live in separate accommodations (with neither of you willing or wanting to reconcile), it’s considered a permanent separation. Involving the law is unnecessary in this case; however, your property rights will be affected based on the laws in your area.
Temporary separation
A temporary separation occurs when you choose to leave or move out but not get divorced. It’s a grace period before deciding to either divorce or mend your relationship. Generally speaking, a situation like this is not an appropriate time to be dating.
8 Tips for Dating During Separation
If you’ve read the risks of dating while separated and decided it’s safe for you to move forward with it, consider these seven tips for getting back on the horse.
1. Don’t rush into it
A separation can take a toll on you emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. It’s a huge event that has lasting consequences. And when you’re in the middle of it, it’s hard to assess the damage. For this reason, take time for yourself to heal.
You shouldn’t feel a rush to jump into a new relationship. That’s unhealthy and won’t do you (or the next Mr. Right) any favors. So, before you start dating during your separation, reconnect with yourself first.
This can mean seeking therapy, investing in your platonic relationships, or scheduling regular self-care routines. The idea here is to facilitate activities that will help soften the emotional upheaval of the separation.
No one ever tells you how heavy a separation can be, emotionally speaking. You carry around so much shame, guilt, and self-doubt. This is normal; however, be watchful of the severity of your emotional baggage.
According to a study by scientists and health professors Ingrid S Følling and Anne-S Helvik, emotional baggage keeps you stuck in old ways of thinking. This can prevent you from moving forward in life.[1]
And if your goal is to get past the drama of your divorce, that will be difficult if you’re carrying the weight of a failed marriage. Let go of the emotional baggage that you may have associated with your separation before you take on anything new.
2. Consult a family law attorney
First of all, if you’re separated from your spouse and you don’t have a divorce lawyer yet, get one. I’ve seen too many women cheated out of what’s owed to them because they didn’t want to lawyer up.
Don’t be a martyr. Getting an attorney is not “getting ugly.” It’s just protecting yourself. You can both have lawyers and still have an amicable separation and divorce, if that’s what comes next.
Ok, now that’s out of the way, I wish I could tell you that dating during separation is as easy as reinstalling your old dating apps. However, depending on the laws in your area, you may need to officially get a divorce before you can start to mingle as a new single.
For this reason, it would be wise to check your local laws and speak with a legal expert who can guide you through the process. This will give you a clearer picture of the potential risks and help you make a better-informed decision. If you learn it’s best to wait until the divorce is finalized, don’t sweat it — the apps will still be there on the other side.
3. Assess your marriage
Before you thrust yourself back into the dating game, it’s worth it to consider why your marriage is struggling in the first place. This reflection period is a great opportunity to see where things have gone wrong and, more importantly, what can be done to prevent the same patterns from happening again.
If there’s any chance of reconciliation, playing the dating game probably isn’t a good idea. It’s important that you are certain you want to move on from the marriage before you begin dating.
This time of reflection will also help you to process and move past the pain of the separation — and potential resulting divorce — in a healthy way. In fact, research shows that gaining a better understanding of why a separation occurred — through this kind of introspection — can keep you from internalizing the symptoms and repeating the patterns. [2]
4. Communicate and establish boundaries
It’s important to communicate with the new man in your life clearly. Don’t try to hide the fact that you’re separated. On that same note, there’s no need to exclaim it on the first date, either.
Instead, just be honest and forthright if the topic happens to come up in conversation naturally. Your new man will appreciate your transparency. Clear communication is essential to create a foundation of trust in your new relationship.
In fact, according to a study published in the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, the two most common reasons relationships end are they grow apart (55%) or they have poor communication (53%).[3]
To that end, use these open and honest conversations to establish boundaries. Especially if you have children, it’s crucial that you set boundaries with both the new person in your life and your separated spouse. Without boundaries, conflict can become disruptive and people can get hurt.
5. Trust your instincts
As part of the divorce process, separation can be a vulnerable time. Your emotions are in flux and you can feel like the metaphorical rug has been swiped out underneath you. You may feel a little unshielded, in a sense. As a result, it’s important to trust your instincts.
If dating someone (or dating in general) doesn’t feel quite right in this season of life, honor that intuitive part of you. There’s nothing wrong with taking time for yourself to ensure your own cup is full first.
6. Prioritize your growth
We’re all a work in progress, but after a marriage gone south, you’re due for some major reconstruction.
Work on becoming a better, happier, and more confident version of yourself. Your ideal dude is out there, and one of the best ways to draw him into your world is to focus on making that world as irresistible as possible.
And you can do that by prioritizing your own growth and development. Here are a few simple ideas to consider:
- Join a fitness class: Gyms are a great place to prioritize your growth by building a healthy body. But also, you put yourself in the way of connecting with others in a safe environment — plus, hunks in muscle shirts!
- Set new goals: If you’ve always wanted to run a marathon or write a book, post-separation is as good a time as any! Setting new goals after your separation will keep you excited about your life.
- Seek therapy: Therapy isn’t a couch-surfing session where you tell a stranger how a situation “made you feel.” Instead, it’s an opportunity to clean out the closet and gain clarity on your life so that you can move forward in a positive direction.
- Try volunteering: Volunteering can be a great tool for your growth after a separation. It helps you contribute to something bigger than yourself in a meaningful way. Also, it’s a fantastic way to meet other people and, who knows, maybe even find Mr. Right.
7. Examine your intentions
Whether you just want to have fun and casually date or you’re looking for long-term stability, it’s important to get clear on your intentions. This will help you communicate your wants clearly to potential candidates.
Without managing expectations clearly, people can get hurt. For this reason, you need to know what you want and, equally important, clearly communicate it to your new partner.
This process ensures you’re both on the same page. I know it’s not sexy to think of a new relationship this way (it almost feels like a business transaction). But the truth is the sooner you have these candid discussions, the healthier the relationship will be.
In fact, according to mental and sexual health expert Rachel Needle, properly managing expectations through communication is the key to maintaining harmony and satisfaction in your relationship.[4]
And this can be a massive weight off your shoulders, especially in the midst of a separation.
8. Don’t introduce your new partner to your kids right away
Even if everything is hunky-dory, your spouse is cool with it, you really like the person, keep the kids out of it as long as possible.
According to an article in the Journal of the American Board of Family Medicine, “The loss children feel at divorce is similar to that experienced when a parent dies.” And yet still, author Bryner points out that “divorce might actually be harder on children [than death] because it lacks the concrete cause and finality of death.”[5]
This is not a situation you want to further complicate for your children by introducing them to a new adult they’re expected to make nice with. It doesn’t matter how much fun you think they’ll have with this person, how nice they are, if they were once a Los Angeles Laker. . . . It doesn’t matter if they’re a walking green flag.
What your children need now more than anything is stability. Give your kids the space they need to adjust to their new normal before you introduce a new element into the mix.
Conclusion
Dating while separated can be challenging but also signifies a new opportunity to start from scratch. As a result, it’s something you should look forward to and enjoy as you progress in this new phase of your life.
So, get out there, have fun, and write a new and better chapter.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it cheating if you date while separated?
It might be considered cheating if you date while separated based on jurisdiction. Some states view dating while separated as adultery. It’s important to consult an attorney and know your state’s laws before dating while separated.
What are the three types of adultery?
The three types of adultery include physical, sexual, and emotional. Physical touch includes hand-holding, petting, and other forms of physical affection. Sexual adultery consists of any form of sexual activity. And emotional adultery is when you seek emotional support from someone outside of your primary relationship.
What does it mean to be separated but still married?
Being separated but still married means that you are not legally divorced but your relationship may be in the process of negotiating a divorce. While there are different types of separation, in general it means that at least one person has withdrawn from the relationship and you are no longer living together.
