A mom in the r/Parenting subReddit confessed to feeling conflicted after her husband admitted to harboring negative feelings toward their young child.
The mom was crushed after hearing her husband say that he ‘hates’ their 18-month-old son.
In her since-deleted Reddit post, she explained that she is at a “complete loss” for how to handle the situation moving forward.
She shared that she and her husband are parents to a “high-needs” toddler. During a recent incident, her son woke up in the middle of the night with a tantrum.
She instructed her husband to get up and soothe their son back to sleep but was shocked to hear that he didn’t want to because of the “intense hate” that he felt toward their child. When asked if he actually hated their son, he confirmed, saying he “hates him like the plague.”
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“My husband does have a few diagnoses. He definitely has mental health issues,” she added. “We have a psychiatrist. He is not making an effort anymore to look for a therapist.”
“Usually, he loves our son a lot and is so loving with him,” she continued. “But he can’t handle the tantrums.”
The mom shared that her husband’s feelings toward their son have caused her to be at her lowest mental point. She questioned how she was meant to pick herself back up and be there for both her son and husband after hearing his admission. She even pointed out that her husband has yet to apologize, but at this moment, an apology likely won’t make anything better.
It’s not uncommon for parents to sometimes have negative feelings about parenthood, but it becomes a problem when those feelings aren’t properly addressed.
This dad should seek professional help, as there are likely underlying mental health issues present. That being said, his frustration is not uncommon.
Tantrums are difficult. Pediatrician and child and adolescent psychiatrist, Steven Dickstein, MD, explained to Child Mind Institute that how parents respond to tantrums and behavioral issues in young children is paramount to curbing the problem. It’s all about modeling. Dr. Dickstein said, “Parents should take time outs, too. When you get really angry, you need to just take yourself out of the situation. You can’t problem solve when you’re upset — your IQ drops about 30 percent when you are angry.”
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The mom should prioritize her child’s needs over her husband’s, especially since their son is so young. He cannot protect himself, so it is her duty to protect him, even from his own father when necessary.
That being said, chances are this father spoke out of desperation and fear. That doesn’t mean, however, that he can ignore the issue and avoid seeking help. It does mean that his struggles are valid, however, and there are many parents who would empathize with moments of weakness similar to his own.
Commenters offered suggestions for the best way to maneuver through such a difficult situation.
“That’s a serious issue, and it sounds like a huge red flag,” one Reddit user wrote. “Your child’s well-being should be a top priority, and if your husband can’t respect that, it might be time to reconsider the relationship. Your child deserves to be in a loving and supportive environment.”
“When your husband is not loving your child, and you let your child grow up in such an environment, you are letting your son down,” another user commented. “Please only think about your son now and see if you can go to a place with some support.”
“A parent who cannot be bothered to comfort their own child because they ‘hate’ them does not need to be in that child’s life,” a third commenter bluntly wrote. “I’m so sorry you are in this position, and I pray you find the strength to pull yourself out of it.”
At the end of the day, everyone can agree her son’s safety and happiness should be the main priority, but writing off her husband isn’t a solution either. This couple needs to communicate and come up with a plan for the health of everyone in the family. In taking a step back and looking at it objectively, her husband’s behavior is not so different from her son’s. They are both at a stage of life where they are struggling to express big feelings. The difference is that Dad has the capacity and the opportunity to reason through it.
Nia Tipton is a Chicago-based entertainment, news, and lifestyle writer whose work delves into modern-day issues and experiences.
