Falling in love can come from two different inner states. When you fall in love with the wounded self — the ego self — you are in love with how the other person loves you. What is the wounded self? Psychology tells us the wounded self is a concept that describes a person who has experienced early unresolved emotional injuries or self-wounds.
You are handing over to the other person the responsibility for your self-worth and well-being, and if he or she does a good job of attending to you in the way you want to be attended to, then you may say you are “in love.” However, it is not so much the person you love, but how he or she loves you and connects with you.
When it feels as if you can’t live without the other person, it’s not love, it’s emotional dependency.
The part of you that is “in love” is a child or adolescent who is needy for love because you are not giving love to yourself or others. There is an emptiness inside that you expect someone else to fill because you are not taking responsibility for your feelings of aliveness, joy, passion, and self-worth. You are attaching your worth to another’s love, so you can’t live without that person.
When you fall in love with your loving adult self, instead of as a wounded, needy child or adolescent, your need for a relationship is different.
As a loving adult, you have learned to fill yourself with love and define your worth. You have learned how to live a joyful and passionate life. Instead of needing someone to fill you and make you feel alive, lovable, and worthy, you already feel alive, deserving, and full of love.
You experience this inner fullness because you have learned how to take full responsibility for your feelings and needs, and you have learned to fill yourself with love from a spiritual source.
This fullness overflows and you want to share this love with another person, another loving adult who is also filled with love and joy. You desire to share love rather than to get love.
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The kind of person you will pick will be very different when a loving adult is choosing than when your wounded self is choosing.
The people we pick have a similar level of woundedness and a similar level of emotional health. The more you have done your inner work to connect with Divine Love and bring that love within to take loving care of yourself, the more you will be attracted to someone who also does this.
When you pick with your wounded self, you will pick someone whom you believe wants the job of filling you up. The problem is that the other person may be attempting to fill you up in the hopes that you will also fill up him or her.
What are some of the best ways to heal your inner wounded child? Research from the University of Texas shows that simply being kind to yourself is a great way to start on your journey of healing. Two people who each want to get love, rather than share love, will eventually find themselves very disappointed with each other. They will each blame the other for not loving them in the way they want to be loved.
When relationships break up, it is often because one or both partners are not taking responsibility for their feelings and self-worth, and are blaming the other for their resulting unhappiness. If you are so attached to someone that you feel you can’t live without that person, try learning to give to yourself and others what it is you want from this person.
Your responsibility is to become the alive, passionate, joyful, and loving person that you want the other person to be, and then you will be able to be ‘in love’ rather than ‘in need.’
You will be able to love another person for who he or she is rather than for what this person can do for you. Instead of needing to get love, you can give love from the heart for the joy of it and feel filled in the giving.
Dr. Margaret Paul is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, and educator.
