The benefits of a poker face are widely extolled in poker but also in life. Poker faces help in cards, of course, but also in negotiations and dealings around the conference room table when the stakes are high. And poker faces are widely supposed to come in handy when asking for something from the boss—like a raise, for instance.
But a recent study (Kavanagh et al., 2024) looked hard at poker faces and compared them with more expressive ones, and found—wait for it—that we trust expressive faces more than less expressive ones. As I’ve been saying for a long time, don’t let your face go blank when you are speaking, even if adrenaline pushes you in that direction, because you’re trying to make a connection. A more expressive face has an easier time of helping to build a relationship. Relationships depend on trust, and trust depends on understanding what the other human being is feeling or intending. To build a relationship, you need to ditch the poker face and instead show us what you are feeling.
What we care about most when we are getting to know someone for the first time, or any time, for that matter, is whether or not we can trust them. Do they intend good things or are they hiding something? A poker face leaves the other party wondering, unable to read the intent of their interlocutor, and thus slow to build trust. We can’t bond if we don’t have a sense of what you’re thinking and feeling.
Moreover, the study found that the more expressive people were more likable and higher on the personal trait of agreeableness. So, if you want to make an impact, “tell your face.”
But let’s go a little deeper. What else besides expressiveness is useful in connecting with people? The answer is consistent with this recent research: two things, trust and credibility. We want to know that we can trust people, and we want to find them credible. Give us those two attributes and we’re happy campers.
They have both verbal and non-verbal components. You demonstrate trust in terms of content by showing you understand any problems or concerns. You establish credibility by showing you know how to solve those problems.
In body language terms, you establish trust with open behavior and gestures, and credibility with authoritative behavior and gestures. The voice is especially important in this regard—to establish authority, speak at the low end, but not the bottom, of your vocal range. we often overcompensate instinctively, pushing our voices too low, thus achieving a vocal quality something like the sound of squirrels playing in gravel—not very authoritative. And a voice pitched too high can sound stressed out or frantic, so don’t go there, either. Pitch your voice in your natural conversational range and have a real, comfortable chat.
You’re not playing poker; you are connecting.
