When you’ve done something you regret or that has caused you misfortune, it’s natural to blame yourself and wish for a different outcome. As much as you may tell yourself that things happen “for a reason,” an unpleasant experience remains hard to accept.
Perhaps you made an inadvertently rude comment to your romantic partner’s best friend. As soon as the words left your mouth, you wish you could have pushed them right back in. The damage is done, and now you are faced with disappointment and anger from both of these important people in your life.
Thinking back on why you did this, several possible reasons pop into your mind. You’re tired, stressed, and preoccupied with problems at work. You just weren’t thinking. Or maybe this romantic relationship was already doomed, and this was just the final straw (i.e. this was “the reason”). In either case, you still find it hard to forgive yourself.
Self-Compassion and Romantic Relationships
According to Martin-Luther-University of Halle-Wittenberg’s Robert Körner and colleagues (2024), the quality of self-compassion is defined as dealing with unfortunate events in your life “in a friendly manner by showing understanding and cordiality” (p. 334). This ability, they go on to note, is related to feelings of well-being but could also benefit the way people experience their closest relationship. Presumably, if you can forgive yourself, you can also forgive your partner for the ordinary foibles that permeate life.
Self-compassion itself is comprised of three qualities: self-kindness (vs. self-criticism), common humanity (everyone makes mistakes), and mindfulness (nonjudgmentally noticing a mistake). There are a host of positive qualities associated with self-compassion, as shown in prior research, ranging from optimism and cheerfulness to lower levels of cortisol, the stress hormone.
Perhaps reflecting these favorable mental health qualities, people high in self-compassion have partners who view them more positively. They express acceptance, are less verbally attacking, and are more engaged with their partners. People high in self-compassion also express less jealousy. All in all, it seems better for you and your relationship if you can forgive rather than blame yourself when you mess up.
The Dyadic Approach to Self-Compassion in Relationships
All of these previous findings are based on reports from one member of a couple, but not from both. Körner et al. maintain that the only proper way to assess self-compassion’s benefits to relationships is by using the framework known as the Actor-Partner Interdependence Model (APIM) where both partners provide data on themselves (as actors) and their partners. APIM statistics can tease out actor-partner #1’s contribution to the relationship from actor-partner #2’s.
Using a sample of 209 other-sex couples ages 18 to 69 (with average ages in the late 20s), the German research team collected APIM data on self-compassion and relationship satisfaction, including a measure of relationship-specific self-compassion. New to this study, this scale consisted of the following 6 items. See how you would rate yourself (and your partner) on each, using a 1 (almost never) to 5 (almost always) scale:
In my relationship with my partner, I:
treat myself kindly when I experience sorrow and suffering.
accept my faults and weaknesses.
try to see my mistakes as part of human nature.
see difficulties as part of every relationship that everyone goes through once.
try to get a balanced view of the situation when something unpleasant happens.
try to keep my feelings in balance when something upsets me.
The average score was 3.6 for women and 3.7 for men, with most people ranging between 3 and just over 4.
The relationship satisfaction questionnaire included scales measuring the qualities of fascination, engagement, sexuality, mistrust, predicted future of the relationship, and feelings of constraint (being stuck). Scores on all these scales were relatively favorable, but still showed enough variability to detect statistical significance with self-compassion in the APIM.
Relationships Essential Reads
The findings showed that both overall self-compassion and relationship self-compassion were related to an individual’s own relationship satisfaction. Relationship-specific self-compassion, consistent with the study’s predictions, was related to the partner’s relationship satisfaction. One of the key findings from all the analyses based on the APIM was that an individual’s self-perception of relationship self-compassion was linked to the partner’s perception that they would have a future together.
Other results suggested the importance of self-compassion in general as a way to promote acceptance of the partner’s strengths and weaknesses. Based on one of the observed findings, the authors concluded that “It is likely that accepting one’s partner’s flaws is a mechanism that might hinder self-compassionate individuals from (unrealistically) admiring their partners but instead helps them accept their partners” (p. 348). Recognizing that you’re not perfect helps you keep a perspective on whatever imperfections your partner might have as well.
Promoting Relationship Satisfaction through Self-Compassion
The Körner et al. findings are consistent with the literature on self-compassion and the quality of romantic relationships but show, furthermore, that people can perceive each other’s willingness to accept themselves and, in turn, feel better about their future together. In their final words, the authors observe that “two people benefit when individuals are able to care for themselves in terms of experienced inadequacies, suffering, and pain” (p. 352).
In the best of all possible worlds, you wouldn’t make the kind of mistakes that you fear can be relationship-ending. However, when you do, these findings suggest that maybe your partner will be more forgiving than you realize. Similarly, when it’s your partner who does something potentially egregious, communicating your willingness to accept that mistake can help pave the way for both of you to heal.
To sum up, the general quality of self-compassion seems to be one that can benefit your own happiness. Putting that self-compassion in terms that help you understand your partner, imperfections and all, is what will lead your relationship to build and grow.
