My client Mike believes most men will view intimacy early on as a casual fling. In his opinion, if a man is truly interested in a relationship with someone, he’ll be in no rush unless he thinks she has multiple options for dates. I agree with Mike. Unfortunately, several factors may cause women to behave differently.
Here are the scientific reasons so many women believe men are in love with them — when they’re not:
1. Men and women come from differing perspectives
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Women often struggle with intimacy and dating because the way people date is evolving and changing. This is also exacerbated because of the way that popular culture views how men and women think.
When a woman sees men and women as equals, she may assume men experience life from the same perspective as women. Most men know that’s not true.
Most women tend to associate sexual intimacy with emotional intimacy. While part of this may stem from cultural beliefs, I believe a large part of how women react to intimacy stems from the effects of a combination of female instincts and neurochemicals.
A woman’s instincts, which come from a more primitive, subconscious part of her brain (which has different imperatives than a man’s subconscious) react to each act of intimacy as if it’s the precursor of a possible pregnancy, which would cause her to bond with her partner.
When a woman experiences pleasure, her body receives a surge of oxytocin, the powerful “hug chemical”, which is designed to bond babies to their mothers…and women to their lovers.
According to oxytocin researcher and author of The Chemistry of Connection, Susan Kuchinskas, “When oxytocin floods the brain’s trust and connective circuits, we feel a range of emotions from trust to deep love.” A woman who experiences great intimacy is likely to become more attached to the man who provides it.
2. Men and women approach love & dating differently
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To add another layer of complication to signs he wants a relationship, women are generally unaware of how most men approach intimate pursuit because it’s so different from how women generally see it.
Duke University professor of psychology and behavioral economics, Dan Ariely’s study of the influence of arousal (published in his 2008 book, Predictably Irrational) made me realize how strategic men are in the way they approach seduction.
About half of the men he surveyed would buy a woman an expensive meal or encourage her to drink more alcohol to increase his chances of being intimate with her. About a third would tell a woman he loves her to do so. And, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Most men are aware if they want to be intimate with a woman, they can’t just walk up to her and say, “Let’s find a place.” They know they need to spend time romancing her, possibly buy her food or drinks, and possibly imply more than just that in the offing. They may feel compelled to insinuate they are moving towards a possible relationship.
When a woman is successfully seduced in this manner, it’s often easy for her to believe the man she’s attracted to is sincere.
She’s likely to become so enchanted when she feels strong chemistry, as detailed in a 2018 American Psychological Association study, that she may long to believe his romantic words. She will then fill in the blanks with her assumptions (and those associations may feel obvious and natural to many women).
3. Her brain may be enhanced by oxytocin
She’s likely to feel there is something so special as she becomes involved that a relationship feels inevitable. Research demonstrates how bonding chemicals like oxytocin enhance this effect.
She may mistakenly fear rejecting a man’s advances and causing him to potentially lose interest in pursuing a possible relationship.
I agree with Mike’s advice to women, and I try to lead up to it in a way my women clients can hear it. Some of those women in my classes get it.
Believe it or not, it’s hard for women to hear. Some believe it doesn’t make sense and it sounds somewhat old-fashioned, especially if they believe men think like women. Some women mistakenly feel it doesn’t apply to their particular situation.
If you’re a woman who wants a relationship and has had the experience of becoming overly involved after sleeping with a man, start taking extra time to get to know the next man before becoming intimate.
Annie Gleason is a dating coach whose strategic dating advice has provided lasting love to hundreds of women.
