Singer-songwriter Paul Simon released the song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” in 1975, and it became a smash hit almost immediately. He reportedly wrote it after his divorce from his first wife and intended it as more of a humorous take on the dissolution of their marriage. The memorable title suggests 50 ways to engage in a breakup, but the song actually describes five ways in a catchy, lighthearted tune.
Thinking about and moving forward with the breaking up with a partner or even with a good friend often is actually not so lighthearted nor easy, but there are actually five primary categories that often need to be taken into account when someone is considering such a move.
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You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Committed relationships are indicative of an investment in a bond and can be a wonderful part of life, but not all relationships last, and choosing to shift if needed is permissible. Making the decision itself is often quite heart-wrenching, and there are naturally significant differences in whether someone has been in a relationship for three months or 30 years; however, standing firm and confident once a clear decision has been made is critical. One of the difficulties for many breakups involves the tendency for individuals to make the decision but then waver back and forth for many months or even years due to insecurity, fear, or doubt. Sometimes the vacillating is due to the partner begging, threatening, or promising; other times the wavering relates to unjustified guilt, assumptions, and insecurities. Knowing more about our own blocks and hesitations can be helpful, especially to determine if this indicates reasonable doubt about the decision or what-if worry about how the decision will unfold.
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Make a new plan, Stan
When it has become clear that a relationship has generally more negative than positive impact and is not reparable, making a plan to disengage makes sense. Impulsive approaches to this decision or this action are not generally recommended, but focusing thoughtfully, calmly, and compassionately allows individuals to set themselves up for success in the next steps. The longer and more complex the union, the more planful individuals must be in general. The more shared elements that a couple has (including possibly a home, children, pets, future planned vacations, shared material items, and intermingled friend groups), the more preparation and processing is needed. This is difficult and hard, but it is possible, one painful step at a time.
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Hop on the bus, Gus
One of the missteps that many couples make right after a breakup is the striving, at least initially, to “just be friends.” This idealized vision of being able to reverse the hands of time actually ends up being much more difficult than people ever imagine, sometimes more for one person than the other but often for both in different ways. Having an intimate, romantic relationship with someone and then pretending that that portion of the relationship never existed is quite unrealistic. We can’t just unknow or simply forget momentous moments. There are times when reconnecting on a more platonic level can be possible, but this is often much further down the road once more healing has been able to happen. Putting more distance between the individuals, literally and figuratively, is essential, including resisting the urge to continually check social media in order to find out what your ex is doing or with whom they are socializing. This latter type of tracking often lengthens the time needed for healing and actually can cause more distress on top of an already challenging phase.
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Just drop off the key, Lee
Sometimes there is work needed by the individual before they can make the final break or disengagement. Dropping off a key, returning their blender, or leaving clothing on a doorstep can be tough, but the process of admitting to one’s own contribution to the difficulties, apologizing if needed, and ending things compassionately despite the anger or hurt is often much more challenging. Although this is not always possible or appropriate, there can be benefits in engaging some level of closure and wrapping up that particular relational chapter. There is not a need for both parties to agree or to feel fully at peace with the plan, but most individuals who engage in more civilized, mature, adult-like disengagements seem to move along the grieving path a bit more steadily and solidly. And if engaging in this process directly is not possible for whatever reason, writing out some dialogue about what you wish could have been said and what you could have heard back from them can be therapeutic as well.
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Just slip out the back, Jack
There is one exception to the aforementioned steps of thoughtful consideration and planning: If someone is in a dangerous or abusive situation, the most important step is to get out as quickly as possible. There may be many things left behind and details left unattended, but sometimes a situation calls for expediency for the sake of safety. There is no need to overexplain, to give in to false promises, or to sacrifice oneself for the sake of another person’s pathological patterns. Individuals often belabor their guilt and confusion about why they hadn’t seen these patterns sooner, but hindsight is always clearer. We may be more enamored or eager in the beginning, and we are seeing things through a different lens; as Wanda Pierce is quoted as saying, “When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” Once it becomes clear that the connection is corrupted, get out and get gone.
Bottom line conclusion: If a breakup is needed, just get yourself free.
