Are you feeling uneasy about your relationship, but you can’t quite figure out why? Maybe you’re experiencing covert narcissistic abuse. It’s easy to be attracted to a narcissist. They’re often magnetic, confident, and exciting. Just by being around them, you feel special.
But narcissists are fundamentally incapable of real love. They cannot care about another person’s well-being. According to one study from the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, a narcissist’s love is very superficial and is driven by the narcissist’s need for control and validation. The essence of covert narcissistic abuse is control. How do they impose this control? By providing or withholding approval — although their methods are subtle.
Here are 5 signs of covert narcissistic abuse in your relationship, according to psychology:
1. You feel confused about the status of your relationship
This is the biggest warning sign that you’re involved with someone who has narcissistic, antisocial, or psychopathic traits or a full-blown personality disorder. You’re never quite sure of what they want or the status of your relationship.
2. You walk on eggshells
You don’t say what you want to say or do what you want to do, because you’re afraid that you’ll upset or provoke your partner. You never know when they will lash out. It’s easier to stay quiet.
3. You constantly apologizeÂ
It seems like you’re always apologizing, even when you didn’t do whatever you’re apologizing for. If you work up the nerve to question your partner’s bad or inconsiderate behavior, they react with anger or self-pity and you’re soon apologizing for raising the issue.
4. You always giving in
More and more, you’re the one who concedes, gives in, and goes along. There’s no discussion, only requests from your partner, which, you know, are demands. You’ve learned that if you don’t agree to the demand, you’re probably in for a period of the silent treatment. The silent treatment is a way for an abuser to avoid confrontation, and inflict pain on their partner, research says.Â
5. You’re hypervigilant
Vera Arsic / Pexels
You find yourself monitoring your partner and your environment, sensitive to every sidelong glance, change in tone, and cryptic text message. You try to anticipate what your partner wants — even as they keep moving the goalposts. Covert narcissistic abuse creates toxic relationships.
In a healthy relationship, you and your partner support each other, negotiate day-to-day decisions, and share both responsibilities and joys. If these red flags are familiar to you and you’re doing all the work of the relationship, maybe it’s not a relationship, but covert narcissistic abuse.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you’ve done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Donna Andersen is a writer and author who offers advice on escape and recovery from sociopaths, psychopaths, or narcissists. She has appeared on TV shows like ABC 20/20 and The Ricki Lake Show, as well as in digital and print media publications like Psychology Today, Marie Claire, Thought Catalog, and Daily Mail.
